A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My bf and I have been dating for about 7 months now. We broke up once few months back when he said that he wasn't attracted to me physically anymore. He went on to date this girl for 2 weeks, obviously she does have a great body. After this, he came to me and said how much he misses me and how important I am as I provided him with order and stability in his life. I want to be with him again, so I accepted him. Few weeks ago, he cheated on me with her and he admit that he likes her a little more than he does for me. Even though I told him his problem of not being able to be alone, cos he is jumping from one relationship to another without ending the other one first. This is a recurring cycle. He will always have to go through the motions of his own heart of not know which person he really wants to be with. He agreed that I am spot on. I told him I can let him go if he wants me to, but of cos it will still hurt me. He simply said that I know what is best for him always. I told him that he should be alone and decide if he should take another step. I want to help him and I told him he needs help. He agrees that he need help. He says no more lies and he will tell her that he is bad person and to stay away from him. But now, I feel that he is procrastinating about telling her what is going on. It is really tough when you still know that your bf is two-timing and you can't do anything because he is too scared to do it, and I don't want to be pressuring him to do it. It will only make me look intimidating. What should I do, I'm going crazy. I am an impatient person, everyday makes me feel more anxious and I can't concentrate on my work anymore with every second thinking if she doesn't want to go what would happen, if he can't bear to do it what will happen.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): Thanks to all who have answered my question.
To add on to my story, after I wrote this the other day I went over to his place and told him it's better we remain as friends. I told him my worries and my impatience to wait. He was in shock that I made a choice like that. Finally he made a choice and says he will tell her the next day (but it didn't happen as work was busy and he couldn't go over to her workplace that day). Eventually, we made up and he say he loves me so much, when I said all those things he had this feeling that he have not felt in a long time, it hurts him so much. I told him I am a possessive person, I need attention from him. So we had a deal that he is to text me when he gets home and goes to work. It worked for a few days now (except that I haven't hear from him today yet).
After that, we spend a few days together (as it's a long weekend over where I lived in). Everything was great again, we spend time together, watch tv, punk each other.
But the deal here is that my mom still doesn't know about him yet, after 7 months of dating (well, my last break-up with an ex ended badly and it hurt my mom so I am waiting to tell her at a better time). So I asked him if he mind that I tell her, he says it's ok to tell her. How does this work? Is he ready to be on a full-blown relationship with me? His parents already knew about me, and they are coming to visit in 2 weeks time. I am very nervous about it, I kept asking him their likes and dislikes. And of course, he says that he is going to pay for my ticket to the states when we go there for thanksgiving. I have mixed feelings, before we broke up, we also talked about this. I think I'm confused with where my heart lies too.
Yes, I am a "giver". I like to make people happy, I am unhappy when the person I love doesn't feel happy. However, I need his affection more than anything else. He hasn't contacted her for more than a week now (via facebook of course, not sure about his phone thought), I am still worried that he might have 2nd thoughts, I am still scared that he can't bear to do what he should be doing.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): I can understand how you must be feeling. All the uncertainty must be going round in your head, and it becomes hard to think about anything else. But you don't have to live like this any longer. You can take some power back over this situation.
I think it is nice of you to want to "help" him, but at what cost? What about you? Yes, I can understand if he is confused about what he wants, it must be difficult for him. But this is difficult and painful for you too, maybe even more so.
I think you are right in suggesting that he be alone until he has figured things out. But he obviously has a hard time with that. My suggestion is that you tell him firmly that it is over. Refuse to stay in this state of anxiety and uncertainty any longer. Let go of this situation, and leave him to figure out for himself what he wants to do. And try and concentrate on your own life and continue to move forward. If at some point he comes back to you and wants to try again, okay. It will be your decision whether to give him that chance or not. But if he starts to mess around with other girls again, I think that will give you your answer. That would indicate he is not going to be capable of staying faithful to you.
I very much agree with what CindyCares said...I personally think you deserve someone who will want you totally, body and soul. Someone who is attracted to you and also wants to be with you. Someone who accepts and wants you completely for who you are. Not someone who only likes the stability you provide. But that is a decision for you to consider. In the meantime, I really suggest cutting yourself free from this situation, for the sake of your own well-being. He is a grown man, he should take responsibility for himself and decide what he wants. Hurting you in the process is not right, and it is unfair on you. You don't have to accept this any longer.
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A
male
reader, Bobito  +, writes (8 September 2010):
 Honey. You're too good to him. A relationship should be built upon mutual trust. It is obvious that you can't trust him. Just let him go. It'll hurt for a while but you'll get over him eventually.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 September 2010):
 You sound a nice, giving person and you do not realize that your boyfrend, being more the taker " type", will procrastinate forever and will keep his feet in two shoes until you let him.
Why should he choose, if he is not forced to do it. Right now, he has all he wants - you for affection and stability, and her for hot sex and an ego boost.
I think you should stop putting forward what is best for him and start thinking long and hard what's best for you.
I realize it's a bitter choice ; you can either accept that he'll never be yours only, yet keep him for the sake of stability , your history together, the sense of belonging and companionship you get from him. Or, you can
kick him out of your life and wait for someone who will love you totally ,for your soul and your body too.
In both case, you'll need courage, ( and in the first, nerves of steel too ). Some times circumstances force us to be brave , and courage is the only choice.
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