A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What do I do?? My step-son, he is coming to stay with us for a month as his mother is going away. I have 2 children one from my previous marriage and one with my husband and our son has special needs. My step son is out of control teenager who has in the past stolen his dad's car and wrote it off, got into drugs, stealing from me and my husband and his mother, lost his job due to stealing and lost his home due to stealing. So now he wants to come and stay with us! I feel very anxious about it and I know its my husbands son but I really don't want him in our home. He was once a nice person but he has got in with the wrong crowd. He is 17 and has no respect for anything. My husband is just saying I should be supportive as he has no where else to go but I can't forget what has happened. Please help someone...
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female
reader, LauraE +, writes (18 July 2007):
Very good answers from the previous 2 posters. I would tell your husband that you will support him in this, if he will support you in return. This means, as the others said, that you agree in advance what the ground rules will be, and he enforces them. Your stepson must not be able to say that it’s you that are being the mean one. My friend’s brother was like this 10 years ago, and he was incredibly clever at finding hiding places where valuables had been stashed. Hopefully you can lock the really precious things away securely. Then you can have some peace of mind whilst he is there. Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, Thanks for your responses. I have talked to my husband on how I feel about his step son staying and he understands how I feel about being anxious etc. Looks like I will have to grit my teeth and carry on. I'm thinking of putting a lock on our bedroom door as he has in the past stolen jewellery and mobile phones from me, my husband actually suggested this idea. And we are also going to talk about some more ground rules as when he stayed before he didn't take any notice of any of them! I'm looking forward to the summer hols with my daughter (7yrs old) and son (2yrs old) but I will still feel really anxious and sick when I'm out and he is on his own in the house. My husband did suggest that maybe he moves out of the family home to live with his son for a month but then I will be seen as the wicked step mum who hates his step son! Can't win!!
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A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (17 July 2007):
 Well, you can't really forbid your husband to accept his son at this point. And if you and your husband can't provide a united front (you and he on the same page) then you will have some serious problems. You have some very real fears that need to be addressed, and your husband shouldn't sweep them under the rug.
Talk to your husband about some ground rules. Your husband has to be willing to be firm with your son about what you are allowed to do, otherwise you're the wicked step-mother and he'll just ignore you.
I recommend very strongly seeing a counselor a few times (you and your husband) to negotiate the ground rules, and then a few more times (with the step-son included) to make sure the ground rules are communicated.
The ground rules should have a very clear (1) this is the house rule (2) this is what happens if the house rule is broken (3) this is who enforces #2 (with backup from the other parent).
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (17 July 2007):
I think your just going to have to go along with this one and trust your husband to deal with his son. Try to establish a few rules before he gets there and tell your husband you expect him will deal with any problems that arise, so it doesn't upset the family home and the other kids.
Discreetly hide all your valuables away so he won't be tempted. Grit your teeth and welcome him with a clean slate. It may be very good for him to be within a stable family home for a while. If you face the situation with irritation, it won't stand a chance...and if things do go wrong, leave the scolding and punishment to your husband. Try to stay calm, it could end up being a positive experience for you all.
Good Luck
Aunty Em x
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