A
male
age
30-35,
*aydenMutch
writes:I've been dating my gf for almost four years now.Last night we all went out to a pub and got drunk afterwards we came back to my apartment. Everyone was having a good time so I'm not sure who things turned so bad. Apparently my gf and I went I tot he kitchen for more drinks and got into an argument. My friend said all the heard was a huge thump and came in to me having my gf pinned against the wall screaming at her to grow the fuck up. I punched the wall beside her my friend said he has no idea how I didn't hot her I was close to her head where I hit and was raising my fist like I was going to hit her when he pulled me away. He took me outside to cool off and to find out what happened but I passed out. I don't remember any if it. I remember coming home from the pub and that's it . My gf came over this afternoon ad showed me the bruise I left on her from holding her against the wall. My hand print is literally a bruise in her that how tight I was holding her. Even she said she never saw me get that angry before. I do have a temper and yell when I get angry and I have punched walls before but I have never ever in my worst mood even thought about hurting her. I told her I was sorry but she is worried it will happen again. How can I show her that I would never hurt her.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (27 August 2014):
 Hayden, I'm very glad to hear it. This is something you can conquer and while it may be a bumpy road now and then, I'm confident you'll be successful and happier for it.
A couple of things to remember:
1. This is a lifestyle change, a process, so pace yourself and take on only what's yours. There is a big difference between owning your thoughts and actions and self flagellation. Guilt and shame are healthy in doses sufficient to bring about positive change, but anything more than that is toxic.
2. You don't get to take breaks. By that I mean you don't get a free pass to lapse into old habits once in a while just because you've made a lot of progress and you've been 'good'.
3. It isn't just a case of overcoming drink/anger issues, but learning to express anger or irritation (or any other feeling) effectively, long before you're ready to explode. And learn to find a balance between your needs and those of others. Put yourself in other folks shoes now and then.
Thank you for the follow up and best of luck.
A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (26 August 2014):
 You sir, are an inspiration! Well done and good luck on your journey of recovery! :)
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A
male
reader, HaydenMutch +, writes (26 August 2014):
HaydenMutch is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Thanks for everyone that point blank told me I had a drinking problem. I have been getting help and taking the advice that I would have to give up friends that encouraged my drinking habits. The last few weeks I realized that my problem was more then I could handle, i leave in a few hours for a rehab program. I hate who I have become but I know that I can fix this
As bad as it sounds But im glad that terrible night happened. I hate that I scared my gf in any way but it as the wake up call that I needed.
I asked my gf to ,arry me and she said yes. That was when I realized that I needed to prove to her that I can give her everything she deserves .
Thanks again
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (13 August 2014):
 You will also need to accept that you will need to change some of the people in your life and avoid situations where drink is available. No good going to AA and trying hard to change if your mates are encouraging you to drink.
A huge part of the issue in a lot of young males with drink problems is one of culture. Its a sad fact that many men feel the need to "prove" they are a "man" by drinking or feel they have to compete with others in their drinking. The irony being that many of those men end up out of shape, impotent and fat due to the habit at best and alcoholics at worse.
Blacking out from drink can damage the brain cells permanently. Blacking out regularly is a bad sign and can lead to permanent health issues, especially as you get older. I did notice some of the words in your posts are jumbled and out of sync which COULD be a sign that you are struggling to concentrate due to the drink issue you have.
Another issue is that you are disassociate yourself from your behaviours that happen when drunk. As if someone other than you was responsible. Just because you cant remember, or couldn't control, what was happening doesn't mean you can keep on living in denial.
At best your GF is rapidly becoming your carer. She is having to take charge when you are unable to function, ensure you have your keys, wallet, don't choke on your own vomit...! At worst she is in a relationship with an aggressive man who, when drunk, terrifies her and makes her feel scared and edgy.
Mark
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A
male
reader, HaydenMutch +, writes (13 August 2014):
HaydenMutch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand I have a problem Saturday night was the night that made it clear to me that I need. I've talked to my friend and parents nd I'm getting the help I need. My gf is being amazing like keys nd instead if running she is he,ling em get the help I need.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2014): You have a drinking problem. You are blacking out, and not remembering. You have to 100% cut out alcohol. Go to an AA meeting. It is now a problem. You must end it now, it is only going to get worse. You said you decided not to drink too much last Saturday night, but still did. You have lost control. If your gf is smart she will run away from you and not look back. You have a tough road ahead, and you must start fixing it now, before you loose your gf, your friends, your job, your life as you know it. Blacking out and not remembering, is a very bad sign. Get help, you can't do it on your own.
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A
male
reader, HaydenMutch +, writes (11 August 2014):
HaydenMutch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt should say I became edgy not he did
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A
male
reader, HaydenMutch +, writes (10 August 2014):
HaydenMutch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo last night we all went to a bar, I told myself I wouldn't get drunk, after a few beers I turned down some shots. My friendJace ( the same guy that stepped in that night with my gf) noticed I looked uncomfortable so we headed back to my house. He became aggregated and edgy so I ended up having a few more drinks at home. I woke up on my bathroom floor with Jace standing in the door saying we needed to talk. We have been friends since high school and he said he didn't notice my behaviour until last night. He said he couldn't remember the last time I had a few beers and stopped with out getting drunk. After talking for a while we realized my going out on a Saturday to get drunk has turned out to be me going out Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays and getting drunk to the point of either passin out or throwing up. I spent the whole day thinking and I guess I have some issues with drinking, something I never realized until Jace pointed it out . I'm not sure what my next step is but I do know I can't drink any mote
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (10 August 2014):
I think you think that except for this one incident, everything is fine. As long as you don't actually hit someone, or don't do it often, and claim to not enjoy doing it and apologize afterward, you're okay. These are classic excuses bullies and their brainwashed victims offer to mitigate problem behaviour.
Even if you never laid a hand on her or anyone else, your explosive and out of proportion rage, the yelling and screaming, the swearing, the punching holes in walls, pounding on tables and throwing things has a profound negative effect on others.
You're a bully and your bully boy behaviour is a very serious problem. You've crossed a line, Hayden, and unless your girlfriend is prepared to either cut you loose or get tough with you, it will be that much easier to do it again.
I'm not interested in helping you smooth things over...until the next time. You've got very serious anger issues, you're emotionally unstable and you need to get this sorted and behave like a rational, civilized person all of the time, not just when things are going your way.
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (10 August 2014):
 You don't have to be an asshole every day. You only have to he an asshole one time for it to absolutely unacceptable.
You said your anger isn't always directed at your gf. You missed everything I said about your anger not having to be directed at her to scare the living shit out of her. Just seeing a guy get pissed and punch things is frightening. It's alarming. And feeling relief from punching things (other than at the gym) is NOT healthy. Join a boxing league if you like to punch things so much.
Stop acting out. Towards her or not - you are scaring her! You talk a whole of concern for your gf, but everything is focused around you. Start recognizing HER feelings. You frighten her. Your outbursts of anger, even directed away from her, are scaring her. Stop it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 August 2014):
 Ah good . You are only an asshole on weekends, then. And there are only 52 weekends in a year. So you only have 52 chances in a year to hurt or maim your gf.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2014): What you don't see is that you shouldn't WANT to punch something to relieve stress. If you do, join a gym and punch a punching bag.
This should NEVER happen. No angry outbursts that result in potential violence. Whether you want to or not, you keep saying "I would never hurt her" and "it killed ME to see those bruises on her", etc. It's not about how you felt. You are ignoring our advice to stop drinking because you like to party on weekends. Well, great, but don't drink because you're not an arse when drunk, you're a bully.
The most worrying thing is your denial.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (10 August 2014):
I don't think your an asshole, but its interesting you said punching things provide a release.
You do know you could start to turn things around even if you just looked up on different ways to turn your anger around. There are books on it, youtube videos on it, and many things on the web about ways to control anger and use different techniques to provide a release when you wanna lash out, not every method will work for you but there are so many different ones out there it wouldn't hurt to just give them a try. Maybe making a small change like that will help. x
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (9 August 2014):
HaydenMutch, booze and anger are a deadly combination and since you apparently can't be trusted to handle yours, I'd say one place to start is to stop drinking. At least until you quit having these emotional meltdowns.
I don't know if your girlfriend properly explained this but it's important you know that she is not just stressed when you're drunk or angry. Her stress is CONSTANT, even on a good day, because she knows how easily you'll fly off the handle. I wouldn't be surprised if, after almost 4 years, she isn't fully aware herself of just how negative an effect your attitude and behaviour is having on her. Not just psychologically and spiritually, but physically. I'm willing to wager she gets a fair amount of backaches and headaches. If she doesn't now, she will.
I've had more than a lifetime of violent, emotional men who can't handle their liquor and I've seen the profound and lasting damage they cause those around them so I'm sure you can understand that I don't have a whole lot of patience or sympathy for any of you. If she were my friend, I would strongly advise your girlfriend to consider cutting you loose. Life is just too short to put up with this nonsense.
As for what YOU should do...stop drinking. And stop reassuring her that it will never happen again. Talk is cheap and she's heard all this crap before. Consider speaking to a counsellor or someone so you can figure out why you're so angry.
You're feeling guilty now and no doubt that will pass, as is often the case in these scenarios, so just to give you a little extra motivation...remember it's not too late for your girlfriend to contact the police. Maybe a wee visit from two (or three or four) big burly officers might give you the added incentive you need to sort yourself out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2014): Like I said, you didn't set out to hurt her, but you DID hurt her! Also, she doesn't need cracks and holes in walls to remember what you did. You scared the crap out of her and it's engrained in her memory.
Get some anger management and DO NOT DRINK MORE THAN ONE PINT of anything! Never get drunk or tipsy again.
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A
male
reader, HaydenMutch +, writes (9 August 2014):
HaydenMutch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe don't fight a lot I get angry over stupid stuff too. One hole was from me getting passed while watching a playoff game. Not all my out burst are directed at her. She's the best thing that has ever happened to me so I do get angry when we fight but I also get frustrated some time and it's just a stress releaser to punch something. I understand she was scared and if I could change that I would. When I say i would never hurt her I mean when we argue , when I sober.we have had blow out fights and never once thought if hurting her . I know I hurt her, seeing that bruise killed me inside.Being an ass when I drink , I understand that and I did apologize to her and my friends for my outburst. I don't drink everyday , yeah I like To go out on the weekends and party but im not an asshole everyday
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (9 August 2014):
You do realize it's not normal to punch and break things just cause you're mad? You said you went through the apartment fixing all the holes and cracks. My God, how many of them do you have? What on earth makes you so angry, that you do this?
You need help, my friend. You should not be this angry. And I don't find that to just be normal male testosterone. That's just plain aggression. Some perspective? For women, seeing men break and punch things is a very scary situation. Even when that aggression is not displayed directly at them. I'm about 5'9 and played soccer my whole life so I'm strong. The one time my old male roommate got pissed and started breaking and punching things, he scared the shit out of me. One, because it shows what he's capable of and that he can't display normal amounts of restraint others display; and two, because that aggression could have easily been directed at me. I immediately had him move out after that. Completely unacceptable and frightening. And I'm not a small, timid woman.
You seem to not recognize that behaving that way isn't normal behavior. It means there is a problem and you can't channel your anger properly. As I said, no one should be having these types of outbursts. It sounds to me that you went WAY too far this time, drunk or not. To me, what you did would be absolutely unforgivable. Doesn't matter that you never punched her. Jesus Christ. You shoved her up against a wall and grabbed her so tight, you bruised her arm. And punched the wall right next to her head. That IS abuse. Harmful touching in any form or fashion is abuse. Shoving her and grabbing her was abuse. Just because you didn't punch her doesn't mean you didn't abuse her. And in her head, she's rightfully replaying all the times you've displayed your lack of self-control by breaking and punching things.
You keep saying you'd never hurt your gf. Dude, you DID hurt her. She's got the bruises to show for it. So stop with the act that you never would. Accept what you've already done, and show her what you're willing to do different to ensure it never happens again. NO drinking and anger management. That's your only hope. But to keep saying you'll never hurt her doesn't even make sense. Because you DID. That's like someone speeding down the interstate and then saying "you know I would never speed." It happened. Accept it and change it. You can't fool your gf into forgetting it happened. It was very real to her. Do something to fix it and show her.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 August 2014):
..of course. If you also wanted to hurt her ON PURPOSE, you'd be a psychopatic criminal and probably by now you'd be behind bars.
You are " an ass " when you drink ( but also aggressive when you do NOT drink... it would seem ) . And you do drink a lot. So you are an ass a lot. And she risks a lot,- and she is very right to be worried. I hope she is wise enough to STAY worried.
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female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (9 August 2014):
I thought you said you don't fight a lot? I take it this is a usual thing then? If so its blatant you need help with your anger.
She is probably bringing up all of the times you have lost it to get you realize that you need some kind of help with your anger, because it isn't normal to get so angry to the point where you are regularly having outbursts and punching holes in your wall.
I only ever get to the point where I am so angry I break things about 3 times a year, and many people don't get to that point at all.
Also your friend said you are an ass when you drink, so take his advice and cut down on the drink x
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A
male
reader, HaydenMutch +, writes (9 August 2014):
HaydenMutch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've been telling her how sorry am I all day. But now she questioning every outburst I have ever had.
She said that they are becoming more frequent, worried it might happen again but with out my buddy here to step in.
I promised her I would never let it happened again and spent the morning fixing every crack and hole in my apartment so she never has to walk by one and think about the other night.
I talked to my friend who doesn't think I would hurt my gf on purpose , he thinks i am an ass when I drink but doesn't think I would set out to hurt my gf.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (9 August 2014):
People might not agree with me. But I believe you. I believe you got to drunk and things got way out of the control and eventually everything turned into a blur.
Like I said, think if you drank anything else that night, any really strong spirits that you don't usually drink, that could of triggered it.
I think of course, that getting yourself to "pass out drunk" again is a very bad option, and I think it might be the only thing you can do to show her its not going to happen again, or at least don't get so drunk to the point where you don't know what you are doing around her.
At the moment I think you have a lot of grovelling to do, if you haven't already done it, you need to tell her how sorry you are for it and let her decide what she wants to do, there isn't to much else you can do.
Good Luck x
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 August 2014):
Why do you keep saying you'd never hurt her ? You DID hurt her already ! You slammed her against a wall ( your friend heard the thud ), you pinned her to it, scared her sh...ess, and left a big bruise on her arm !... If you don't call this hurting her, how would you define it ?... Cuddling her ?...
So, you don' have screaming matches just every day, only a few times here and there. And you do not drink yourself unconscious every time... just when you are having fun.
Jeez.
Talk about denial . Talk about burying your head under the sand.
WHY in the world should she trust that you won't hurt her again ? What actions are you taking to make sure you could not hurt her again ?
If she has any self protection instinct kicking in, she won't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2014): You had no idea it was happening, so you better realise you can no longer plead the "I'd never hurt her" crap. You wouldn't WANT to hurt her, but you DID by bruising her!
Now, your best bet is to NEVER get drunk, EVER again. If you do, stay single because you, and others, are violent/aggressive drunks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2014): You sound truly sorry for your actions, and I know exactly how you feel. When the anger you are feeling, probably with a whole lot of different reasons, can often manifest itself when you are drunk.
I never thought I'd hurt my boyfriend. But, on two occasions, I have gotten drunk and hurt him. The first time I couldn't believe it, and vowed I'd never do it again. The second time I had thought I'd lost him for sure, but he stayed with me on the condition that I went to counselling and anger management.
This was the best thing I ever did, and I think you'd greatly benefit from it too. I learned a great deal about why I felt so angry, and that I had unresolved issues. I can now channel my anger in other ways that really do work, and I can keep my head much better now even if I've been drinking.
It took time, but eventually my bf trusted that I wouldn't hurt him. I had a problem and I needed help. It was just what I needed.
Explain to your gf how much she means to you, but you have some issues that need solving, and that you are going to get some help. She will see that you are serious about changing your behaviour, and if she loves you, she'll understand and hopefully support you.
Good luck...and please get help, take it from someone who knows, it will be the best thing you ever do. Once you confront buried problems head on, you stop taking all that bottled up anger out on loved ones.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2014): Sorry, you did hurt her so there's nothing you can do to show her you won't. The next best thing is to quit drinking to the point where you black out. You should know your limit and stay well away from it.
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male
reader, HaydenMutch +, writes (9 August 2014):
HaydenMutch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe don't fight a lot, yes we argue but there isn't a lot of times where we shave screaming fights.
I would never hurt her. I love her and I would,protect her any way I could. I just need her to realize that what happened will never happen again.
Yes I understand my friend helped out and I'm thankful he did. I would never be able to live with myself if I hit her. She means everything to me.
I don't drink until I pass out regularly , yes it happens more then it should but its usually just a bunch of us having fun and a few drink leads to a few to many.
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female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (8 August 2014):
As long as you haven't displayed this behaviour EVER before towards her, and that includes really really agressivly shouting and punching walls during arguements with her, then I think its obvious the problem was the DRINK.
I am not making you out to be some kind of crazy alcoholic, but you have to realize how dangerous this situation was.
You got to angry with her, you can't even remember why, and the scary part is you can't even remember almost punching her.
That could of ended very badly, and what if it wasn't your girlfriend you got angry at? One of your friends maybe, i'm sure it wouldn't of taking you much to hit one of them if they had pissed you off that night.
If you know you have been prone to being violent before when you have drank, then give it up, completely its obvious you and alcohol aren't the best of friends. However if this is a first, can you think if you drank any strong spirits that night? Whiskey? Vodka? Gin?
Some people get nasty on spirits, and things can happen like this and they have no memory of it.
The only thing I can suggest is you give up getting that drunk again, tell her that you have no idea what on earth happened, and I think in that situation the only thing which would make me not want to tell you to get lost, is if you promised to not get drunk any more, however if you and alcohol don't mix, even when its just a beer or so, give it up completely. And also you do need to ask yourself an important question, a very important one.
I know you said you would never dream of hurting your girlfriend, and I believe you on that, but can you 100% gaurentee you would NEVER lose your temper so much with her that you could snap and do something you regret? And I ain't just talking about hurting her, i'm talking about smashing things, punching walls, shouting so loud the whole street can hear.
Its not all about physically hurting someone, because making them scared by acting extremely aggressive towards them, is just as bad. And if you think that could happen, in your hear of hearts, you either get yourself anger help and put the relationship on hold, or you leave her, and I would say that to anyone, man or woman.
Good Luck x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2014): I would leave you in a heart bit. There is always first time for anything: attacking, killing, raping, cheating and then there is no stopping, Once you stepped over the line you keep on doing it.
If alcogol makes you agressive, you need to stop drinking to the point that you pass out.
My husband was never violent toward me, but when he drinks he gets very pissy with me. I absolutely hate it. He was rude to me on multiple occasions among friends and even strangers. I ended up not going out with him anymore. And. Now he has a glass or two but no more.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 August 2014):
Well, you did hurt her already, to be precise. You left a bruise on her. Bruising = hurting.
How do you know that you'd never hurt her more than this ?. You " think " you would not, but you don't know.
Before this episode, you had only yelled and displayed aggressitivity, but without touching her. I bet then you said : yes I yell, but I'd never lay a finger on her.
There's always a first time. This time you have found yourself capable of pinning her to a wall, threatening and bruisisng her, next time you will punch her or slap her or worse.
Also keep in mind that you haven't actually punched her , because your friend intervened to get you off her. We don't know what you could have done if your friend had not been there.
She has very good reasons to be worried ( unluckily I feel she'll worry... yet stay worried and stick around. Since she's the type who takes your yelling and threatening without batting a lid, and without giving your walking papers , as many women would do ).
You should leave her alone. You aren't fit to be in a relationship with her or with any other woman, until a ) you haven't stopped drinking , or at least until you haven't stopped drinking yourself unconscious b) you haven't taken anger management classes, or whatever may help you to act as a regular human being and not as an ape.
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