A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys. So I'm struggling at the moment. I had been with my girlfriend (same sex) for about two years. I can't be 100% certain, but I'm fairly certain that she broke up with me because she doesn't want to be gay.A little background. We met at work when she first started at the job I've been working at for quite some time. She no longer works there. It was an instant connection. I could just tell she was attracted to me. I can't explain it, but I could just see it in her eyes. And the feelings were mutual. She had never dated a woman before, only men. And had never been at all intimate with a woman, either. Well she full on pursued me, which caught me off guard. She invited me out for drinks and flat out told me how attracted to me she was. She also initiated dating and she was the one who wanted to make things exclusive, etc. After a few weeks, we finally slept together, and she cried afterwards. She said it was the first time she had ever truly enjoyed sex. She immediately came out to all of her friends and most of her family (except her mom). Things seemed to be perfect. That was in the beginning. Then I think reality hit. After we were together for a while, she started to realize that if we were to stay together for the long haul, that meant life wouldn't always be easy. I think it started to set in how real this was becoming and what that truly meant. That was when I felt she just started to battle me. She threw up walls and fronts and closed herself off. She broke up with me on different occasions, under BS pretenses, with us always getting back together. She would never admit sexuality was the problem.This past time, she broke up with me again, and she just seemed to let it slip out in a moment of complete honesty .. she said "I'm just terrified. I'm terrified about one day waking up and realizing I'm not gay." I was like, so THIS is what it's really about. I asked her if she loved me. She swore she did with her whole heart (I know she does). I asked her if I was a man, and she loved me this much, would she be scared to wake up one day and desire a woman? She said no. I told her people can never predict the future. That for all I knew, I could wake up one day and fall in love with another woman. Who knows? But that as long as I loved her and felt the way I did for her, I'm not going to question the things I can't answer down the line. I told her that love is love. And if you meet someone who just gets you and completes you in that way, why run from it because you're scared? Do I believe she's 100% gay? Not really. She's dated many men in her life. But do I think she's straight? Definitely not. I think our sex life is way better for her than any of the straight relationships she's ever had. She is super attracted to my body and being with me. I know it and I can tell. I think I'm her soulmate, and I just happened to be in a female body.She has always prided herself on being very liberal and open-minded, and I think she's ashamed of herself. I think she's too ashamed to admit that she's really hung up on the gay issue. She's always stood up for equal rights and gay marriage. Even put stickers on her car, etc (hell, I don't even do that). So I think she's embarrassed and ashamed to admit that she's too scared to find her soulmate in a woman. Because it makes her look like a hypocrite. I get it, though. I just wish she would be honest with me about it so we could discuss it like adults. She seems to forget that I once was in her shoes, too. It's scary to fall in love with a woman and realize that you're not going to live the same 'normal' life as everyone else. It's hard to accept. But she could at least be honest with me about it. I deserve that.Any opinions? We are broken up and I am finally choosing to move on. She can finally have what she's asking for. I can't hold on anymore. I can't fight for us anymore. It's her turn now to stand up and fight for me for a change. If she doesn't, then I guess that's her loss. But I feel that she will regret it. I really dont want to lose her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2014): Many of the gay men and women I know who were previously married, or had relationships with straight people, wanted to have a family. They wanted to please their parents, and be accepted by society. They felt guilt or shame. They couldn't bear the comments from the religious sector, or conservatives, that say they are perverted or sick. Sinful and abominations.
I was myself raised in a Catholic household. My mother stuck close to religious values. My dad was more worldly and well-traveled. A self-made successful man. He was more open-minded about things, and very hard to shock. My mother died before I came out. I did come out to my dad. He loved me so much, nothing could change that. He wasn't crazy about it, but he loved me as his son; and never treated me any differently. I love him so much it hurts. He passed away in 1993. Mom died when I was only 17. Dad never remarried, so my younger siblings had a nanny. He said he knew I was gay, and he knows all his children and their gifts, quirks, and differences. Gay is my sexual-orientation, it is not all of who I am. I had to convince myself, before I could expect anyone else to.
Mom feared for our little souls and sent us to mass and Sunday school. So my conditioning made me very uncomfortable with my true-nature and sexual-orientation.
I joined the Air Force and went to college, before I finally accepted who I truly am. For some of us, it just takes time.
My dad knew what the real-world is like. He wanted his sons to be men, and his daughters to be women. Both my parents felt that meant being heterosexual, getting married, and having children. They never fathomed that could happen between people of the same-sex. So all our values were based on heterosexual values.
I had sex with females before men. I didn't have a problem with that, accept I gravitated to men both emotionally and sexually. So, against all that, and all the values I was taught; I fell in-love with a man.
What all the gay men and women I mentioned above,and I have in-common is; we all eventually accepted who we are. We finally embraced our sexual identity. We could no longer live a lie. Even if we may be bisexual. I am not, I am gay.
It took time to do that. I still felt uncomfortable about coming out to my more conservative family members, or my father's professional associates and colleagues. So I am more reserved around certain people. Your girlfriend felt safe and accepted when she was with men. Some just can't adjust to the scrutiny and prejudices of society living in the gay-culture. They want to please their parents by making them think it was just a phase, or a choice.
Don''t judge her harshly. Just let her go. She can't run from the truth. She may believe she can have children and hide, if she lives within the acceptable boundaries of mainstream society. She will one day have an epiphany, and realize and accept her true-nature. Sometimes we have to make a journey, and return to who we truly are.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2014): Nothing you can do that you haven't done which mean you already put all efforts into it. You will be really hurt in the end. Avoid that by accepting she is not yet ready for that.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 August 2014):
 There are people who strive for "normal" relationships in order to gain approval from parents. It's when parents die people suddenly find their freedom to do their own thing. As long as she has some unresolved issues with her mom then she will always live her life according to what her mom wants. Or she has to assert independence from her mom and do what feels right for herself. It doesn't matter what causes the break up. All break ups hurt and create a dent in the relationship. It's better for you to move on and find a girl who has pride with who she is and not afraid of how the world sees her.
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A
female
reader, SeaGreen +, writes (8 August 2014):
 I'm sorry to hear she is struggling which is causing you heartbreak.
My only suggestion is to give her time and space right now. I'm sure the pain must be unbearable but you are wise to prepare yourself incase she doesn't come back to you.
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