A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, my husband has been telling me for weeks now that if I keep teasing him the way I do he would make me carry through with it. I never thought he would actually make me do it, but of course I was dumb enough to push him to it. I know you all will think I deserved it, but when I tease him (play with his "item") I do it to build him up (it's like foreplay) so that when we do have intercourse (a day or two later) we are both just as turned on. I didn't realize that once he got to a certain point he would lose control, and he always said he liked it, I just stopped because I would get so tired (I can't get him to cum). So last night I played like I usually do and he played too, but when I got tired I kissed him goodnight and started to turn onto my side. He pulled me close to him and forced himself in me and I told him not to and to stop, but he didn't. I tried pulling away, but that only made him get worse. I soon just gave up and let him finish. How do I confront him about this, I already know that I'm not going to tease him any more. How do I learn to feel okay around him again, I mean I friggin jumped this morning when all he was doing has leaning in to give me a kiss... what do I do? And please anyone who plans on telling me I deserved it, I already know that, please don't rub it in!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): Ok, really teasing or foreplay in 2 or 3 days advance. I think you have to rethink what you really want from him, just tease or have sex. I think teasing is rude, are u teasing him because u are the only one he has or what.
Your entire description echoes of a confused soul, who doesn't know how to have a healthy sex life.
A
female
reader, inusasha51 +, writes (22 January 2010):
Ok u didn't deserve it.
not at all.
from what I heard, you were just playing around and teasing.
even if he warned you, that does NOT give him the right to force you to do anything.
after that, its normal for you to be a little (or a LOT) jumpy around him.
you just have to rebuild your trust. (and I know it sounds easier than it is)
Communication. Try talking to him?? or maybe if your too embaressed write a note? (yea yea I know it sounds pretty stupid but it worked for me ) :) hope everything works out ok.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): you wronged him by teasing - he gave you full warning - he wronged you by taking it too far. two wrongs do not make a right. COMMUNICATE and rebuild trust BUT both of you need to learn that actions have consequences. good luck
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female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (9 February 2009):
I think he thought you wanted him to do what he did, despite the fact that you said no. Actions speak louder than words, remember that old saying.
He told you for weeks prior that if you didn't stop, he would get to the point where he would have to keep going. I really think he thought that you knew if you didn't stop, that that line would be crossed, and that since you didn't stop, you were giving him the green light with your actions to keep going. He may have been thinking that in secret, this is what you wanted him to do, since you kept up the teasing.
Yes, it is very frustrating to get aroused to that point and not finish up. And then have to try to go to sleep - well, how can you go to sleep? It is very very difficult!
I think you two must honestly discuss what happened. Ask him what he was thinking. And tell him how what happened made you feel, trying not to be critical, but merely have him listen to how it made you feel.
If there are times you are not comfortable or up to continuing on to intercourse after teasing him like that, then perhaps you'd be more comfortable with him finishing up himself (masturbating). Would that be okay with you? How do you feel about that? That could be a better solution that you both agree to, for those times when you don't want to continue.
I think he views your teasing him as a sex game that you were inviting him into. I really do.
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female
reader, didda123  +, writes (9 February 2009):
 Don't make a big issue out of it is wasn't rape get him to wind you up then roll over and go to sleep see how you like it.
Just have a talk about it and move on unless you want to make a major problem in your marriage!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): 1ST OF ALL NO YOU DID NOT ASK FOR ITand secondly perhaps you should rather speak to a counselor or a family member you can really trust, yea this could be good for getting different views, but dear none of us know your husband, or his personality or your situation we can only give opinions based on what we know, or at least think we know. Angel through your actions you could’ve indicated that you would like something like that, any poster can correct me if I am wrong, but there are millions of woman and men around the world who find sex or pretend rape or forceful sex very very exciting, and when you got husband got sexually aroused and he told you something like that could happen you carried on teasing him which to him could’ve meant something like that to him, you carried on, dear any man should stop when a woman says no and I have been raped along time ago, I was still young and I really did not want sex at all, but in your situation its rather different, you are married, and you well you were touching him, and turned around onto your side, he could’ve had seen that as an invite, so what I would like to ask of you is ask him what exactly happened last night, and let him explain do not attack him, but listen to what he says, ask him why he carried on after you said no and explain to him how you felt and still feel, watch his reaction, what does he say, angel for how long have you been married? I just wouldn’t want you to throw your marriage away because of a sexual misunderstanding, between two married people, try and get yourself a counseling session, perhaps it might be better getting your advise from a professional and face to face, coz you need to look at your relationship now and in the past and his future behavior towards you before you call him a rapist, you might feel very silly if this is not the case.Good luck but please go and speak to someone that can give you real advise not just opinions K and please do let us know how it goes afterwards
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male
reader, Tomas +, writes (9 February 2009):
There's a lot of debate here about who deserves what. And you also asked a question, that I'm not sure got answered.1. It is very difficult for a guy (or gal I guess) to be sexually engaged and then stop. Emotionally, it can be like abandonment, and physically (the next day) it can feel like being kicked in the balls. Teasing is flashing some skin, a surprise passionate kiss. If it were food, teasing would be a nice aroma. Bailing out on sex midway is cooking the food, serving is, and then scraping it into the trash before someone hungry can eat it. It is mean.2. That in no way whatsoever excuses rape. Rape means different things to different people, as some rapes (like some assaults or some robberies) are worse than others. It's like slapping a child... there may be things a child does that frustrate or even infuriate a parent, but they never excuse abuse. You can understand how it happens, but it's simply not ever justified. He had no justification.Okay, with that out of the way, your question was what to do.I'd suggest you tell him how this made you feel. It sounds like it made you feel attacked. He may not get this (or he may, but he may be ashamed to admit it). If you feel that he might as well have punched you as do what he did, tell him. You have a right to your feelings. Even if he says he didn't mean anything, he was passionate, blah blah, you are simply stating how you feel. You are entitled to that.And you can tell him that you don't feel safe being intimate with him at all now, that you don't feel you can trust him not to do that again. You said you've learned not to tease him anymore, but it sounds like you thought he was not the kind of person who would do that to you, regardless of his previous warnings. So now you are resetting, trying to gauge what else you might be wrong about, recalibrating your understanding of him.I'd think it safe to tell him so. Not that it is a punishment, but that you thought before it was safe to "play" (have fun) with him, that even if you made a mistake or upset him, he would never assault you. Now you need to learn again what is safe, and while it is not meant as a punishment for him, he needs to be patient with you and not push you. And it would also help if you could tell that he "gets it".That's the type of conversation I think needs to happen. If he pitches a fit and starts complaining that you are trying to punish him, that it's all a test, then you are learning something about his selfishness. If he listens, apologizes honestly, and tries patiently to undo the damage he's done, it will be easier for you to trust him again.But it's got to start with him hearing what he has done, and acknowledging it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): I just can't believe what some people are saying here! Listen to me, its very important! I often do the same thing with my boyfriend. Its almost like a game, but he lets me know if i am going to far. But no matter what, NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TEASE, he would never ever force himself on me. Forget what anybody says about you 'deserving' it, thats ridiculous. Its your husbands responsibility to explain how teasing makes him feel, if its too much for him. Sorry if i sound all over the place, i am just mad that some people are blaming you for your husband violating you. There is NEVER an excuse for rape, EVER! You often hear of girls being raped on nights out and then blaming themselves for dressing too 'sexily'. If you say NO then it means NO! I say explain to your husband how he crossed a line and then the next step is up to you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): I have to agree with others. Your question implies that because he is your husband, he has a right to force sex on you ("teasing" is irrelevant). There was a time when there was no such time as "rape" between a husband and wife; now, there is. And your husband raped you. Maybe because you know he loves you, intended you no harm and (I hope) other aspects are your relationship are good, you do not want to report it to the police. However, it is a big deal; a big violation, and unless you secretly like it -you need to make clear that you are not his chattel to have his way with against your will, or to "finish" his business in.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): I have to agree with didda123. if you are going to give your husband head or a hand job or whatever you were doing down there...to just roll over and say goodnight, is not only emotionally painful, but from what I here, is also physically painful. Women...do you know how it feels to be so turned on and right in the middle of things, your guy just stops and says "forget it?" I do! It's devastating! And apparently worse for a man. It's not like he didn't warn her that he couldn't take the teasing any more. I agree that you both need to sit down and talk about what happened, and come to an understanding that this should never happen again. Forget the word "fault" because I think you both need to share that, and chalk it up to experience.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): This is strange to me. sorry. You sound naive and curious about his body, but it's not right to arouse him then kiss him goodnight. It's like him waving something you REALLY REALLY want in your face, then saying- just teasing. How would that make you feel? I'm going to go so far to say it's Mean. Just plain mean.You need to have some self control and only tease him when you're in the mood.
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female
reader, uluvme0723 +, writes (8 February 2009):
 You didn't deserve anything. No means no. And he should have respected that. I'm sorry you had to go through that. But just sit down with him and explain the situation and how you feel. That's your husband. Your suppose to feel safe around him. That's something that he damaged and Ya'll need to fix it.
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female
reader, didda123 +, writes (8 February 2009):
Well it is a bit cruel teasing him then just rolling over and going to sleep.
Personally i would just learn by your mistakes don't make a big issue out of it it wasn't as if it was rape you encouraged him initially and i am sure you love him and he loves you he just lost control for a second because you had aroused him so much.
Maybe you could have a chat about it and tell him you weren't happy about what happened the other night but you realize you had pushed him and it won't happen again.
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female
reader, anna*belle  +, writes (8 February 2009):
 Hi, personally I don't think there is any excuse to be doing what he did to you, even though you were "teasing" him. A 'no' is a 'no' and he should have respected that! I would make him pay and not have foreplay or sex for a while, after what you experienced I don't think you would in the near future anyway. I would like to know if he's acting completely normal after what happened?
anna*belle
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