A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid and agony aunts out there, there is a heckof alot going on here ! I am a married guy, 49, and myspouse, female of course is 46. we both have childrenwhich are now in their twenties. we have been together for 14 years, having struggled through previous marriages and wish our children the best. Attimes, we did all we could do to show our childrenthat we love them. at times means when they were grow-ing into adult life. they never seem to reach that point, and i'm sure many feel as i do. i had to tellmy child recently... grow up and get the life you say you want, do the right things and we can get along. i hear from this child constantly, you're pissing me off ! because this child did not grow up with me as her father, she really has no respect for me. her onlywant from me is finance related. i've gave, my spousehas gave, but to no avail, she feels and shows no respect. likewise with my wife's child. at what pointis enough- enough ? still paying and in agony !
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female
reader, Deema  +, writes (2 October 2008):
Glad to know you are smiling again. Like I said this time in your life is not easy, but if they are to become responsible adults, they have to find out how. You are teaching her. Well done.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Agony Aunts that replied to my question,
some very good insight into what's going on here
shows me that I'm not alone in my situation, nor
am I wrong for feeling as I do. It has helped to ease
some of the 'guilt' as well as provide that "insight"
we need when "a heck of a lot is going on here !"
Since 'guilt' is the great stirrer of confusion for me,
having it lessen somewhat helps with getting a clear
head about the matter, and I as well as my spouse can
move forward if only in small steps at a time. But for
all of your responses, again, I am definetly grateful
and can see this isn't helpless or hopeless !!!
Thank You !
Still Paying smiled today!
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (30 September 2008):
Enough is enough when you've had enough - and sound to me that this is it - or you wouldn't be asking the question. Its very hard when our kids are growing up to make a stand cus we love them, we want to help them and we hate to see them struggling. BUT sometimes struggling is the kindest thing you can let them do cus if you don't they never will learn. I had to go through this with my own daughters - the youngest went off to live abroad for a while saying if she met someone she wouldn't come back but would travel the world. Great. I was happy for her, especially as I was going through surgery myself. I was happy she was out getting a life. BUT she never met someone and after 6 months decided she would come home. By then I had moved on. Living on my own and going through surgery had been very tough, but I did it, and I was now enjoying my new found freedom and life. I told her I never thought it would work - my eldest daughter came back home 3 times before she finally left, and each time had been sooooo disruptive, I really didn't want to repeat this exercise again, especially as my circumstances had changed so much. I was now living alone, my health was not good and I needed support, not to have to support someone else. Anyway after a lot of wrangling from her sister and my ex, I allowed her back. Within days she had been offered her old job back and a car to get there with. It was a great relief to me. She would have money and work at a time when I was due to go back in for more surgery. THEN in the space of a couple of days my eldest daughter came to visit and the youngest decided to throw all that lot in the air and go off clubbing with her sister!!!!! Well that finished me. I was not in a position to have an irresponsible kid back in my life, so we had words and she left there and then to go live with her sister. For months I was the wicked witch of the west and was treated very badly BUT a couple of years on she thanked me. She said she would not have the job or the home that she has now if I never made her face up to her responsibilities. Yes it was hard, yes it was tough - toughest thing I ever did. But I knew it was the RIGHT thing. If we don't teach them theese lessons, who will? So stop worrying about being the nice guy and be the parent. You too will be appreciated one day. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): 'I want money' Tell her to go earn some, and that she needs to become more independant to become a rounded adult.she's old enough to work. She's taking you for a fool, and i fear you are hoping you can buy her love. Its a cycle youve got to break.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): When birds get too big for the nest the mother pushes them out. If you continue to financially support your daughter (step or otherwise) she will never learn from her mistakes, and you will be bailing her out of problems of her own making for the rest of your life. I know it's hard, but you need to cut her off financially. This is both for her good and for yours. If she has children that she claims will go hungry, offer to let her children stay with you, but not her. Your dauther (step or otherwise) needs to learn to stand on her own feet.
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A
female
reader, Lilly Rose +, writes (30 September 2008):
 If she has no respect give her no money and your wife should back you up with this...if its her kid then she should pull them aside and teach them some respect. Tell your wife its getting to you...as maybe she doesnt notice. Or you could talk to your step daughter and tell her how you are feeling and find out what her real problem is? maybe shes jealous of you and her mum maybe shes being builled at school there could be a number of reasons so maybe sit them both down and talk to them, if they see you upset they might realise what they do is wrong.
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