A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please. Please can someone give me some advice, as I feel like I am going insane and cannot cope anymore I met this man (my soulmate) 8 years ago and, and It was love (or a connection) at first sight, I remember sitting in the pub and being introduced to him and thinking this what people mean when say sparks and some power was between us. I then spent the next 6 years thinking about him and every time I would hear his name or about him I would feel something. Then our mutual friend told me he had gotten married and my heart sunk and I felt so ill. Now I should point out that I also knew he had issues and had a reputation as being a barstard to women, starting a relationship, without finishing the previous and not big on confrontation and drunk far too much But I knew all this and still loved him. Anyway, I met up with him a few months later (and our group of friends) for my birthday, we got drunk and I confessed that I use to really like him, he admitted it to. Then one thing lead to another and we kissed, I couldn't explain it, this connection was still there. Yes I know it was wrong, he was married, but I also knew he was not happy and too young and he had told her he wanted out (This was all year and half ago now) So we began going out, we would see each other as much as we could, he lives in a different part of the country, but still few nights in week, and on weekends we would be together, and go out with our friends etc. He said he was going to sort out get the divorce and move back to our town, as that was were he is from anyway and all his friends and family are there. He would call me at late at night, while he was walking the dog, tell me I was the one and we would have these amazing heartfelt conversations. His never opened up to anyone his whole life and we would make love for hours, with tears in our eyes and I inspired him to do carry on with his music (He is a lawyer) and he would spend hours in my company writing songs again. We talked about moving in together and he assured me we would very soon, we would all be all right and that I was the one, I always had been. I moved into my own flat by now (6 months had past) and I hoped he would move in with me, I had a nice flat I rented in the area we had friends and where we would go out, but he wouldn't he was working in a law firm were he lived years and that was miles away, plus he has the dog that was his and the flat was very very small. I then did something that I loved, but I think was the braking of us, I went travelling for 3 months around OZ and NZ, I had booked the trip with my friend, the month before I had gotten together with him at my birthday and I had put it to the back of my mind, but I knew I had to go, as I had always wanted to, So I gave up my lovely flat and my job I loved and off I went. It was agreed that he would use the time to get a place and move back down here and we would finally be properly together. I stayed faithful the whole time I was away and thought about him all the time, too be honest I didn’t have that great time, as I missed him so much I was love sick the whole time. I tried to call him though everyday and I would email him everyday, but he didn't really contact me. He sent me 5 emails and called me once whole time I was away. I mentioned the moving to him and he said was I am sorting it. I then was due home and the week before he confessed not done it, said he wanted us to do it together, I was so upset, as meant I was homeless and sleeping on my brothers sofa till I had money and sorted myself out. (I just want to add, that he may have house etc to pay for, but at 26 he earns an amazing salary) So I land at the airport and there he is, waiting at the gate and whisks me off to a five star hotel for 3 nights and it is wonderful, like we have never been away. Then I go to my brothers and he says that were sort it be a few weeks, (it is Christmas time) and I don't hear from him all over Christmas, I speak to our mutual friends, who tell me he spent last few months in mopping state and drinking far too much, but was completely faithful (Shocking as his rep and he admits it's all true, you would never think that) So I hear nothing and get in a state, he then contacts me week later apologies and says I must hate him, but he loves me so much, just got in one of his weird states. He does this and won’t speak to anyone, not even me or his friends or anyone for weeks. (I also should point out that I text all the time 50 times a day asking him to call me and I love him and he never texts back. So he contacts me via text may I add, as he now has taken to not calling me on phone (Happened while I was away went like this) so he says sorry and to be honest it's not the first time he has let me down. So I say I love you as well, cause too be honest I felt so bad when didn’t call me, ill, like I was dying. So I see him and he cries and says I am the one and it's all perfect, because when we are together it is perfect, we have no problems and get on great and laugh and it's amazing. Then New Year takes place and he says he can not see me, I go mental and then we do not speak for few weeks as typical after he has let me down and then we do and all good, then Valentines day arrives and nothing and I am so upset, Just a text (He has taken to not calling me now ever and this stays till this day, just emails and texts) When I mention this, he says he knows, but gets scared to talk to me, case says wring thing and then his not there to put it right. (He does this with mates all weird can't call them thing) So I get upset, say his had too many chances, after all the times he let me down. I have managed to move into a room with a friend by this time, may I add, as it is perfectly clear his not living with me. He tells me though the same story that in few months be ok, all be ok when living together. So My birthday (Yes it has been a year) comes around and pulls out all stops, tells me he is going to marry me soon as divorced, I am the one, I always have been and it's amazing and then a few days after that I get a new job and slowly we start seeing less of each other. Once a fortnight I see him, if that and it's still great, but his not even texting me now or emailing for weeks on end and drinking all the time and getting into fights. I still believed though that we would be together and get married and all be ok, my family kept on at me, as they had never met him (They know his married) and I had never met his (they know about me) and this hurt as well and would go on about it to him. So we see less of each other, I am now in this job which I don't like, but it's money and in this flat and I feel pretty down, as I mean I also didn't get into the teaching course I applied for (want to be a drama teacher) and I felt like I let him down on this, as he kept telling me to do it and of course I would get in, all his friends are teachers and I didn't. So his now taking to seeing me occasionally, not contacting and then in April (The last time I saw him) He tells me has no phone for past month and were at a friends and I am playing with their phone and there are messages from him, on a phone he obviously has, So I go mental and scream at him, he says sorry that it's his work phone and I would only hound him like I do, that in few months it will be all alright and all does is look in future not now. We go to bed that night and make up and all ok in morning and then he sends me a amazing email a few weeks later, opening up to me and telling me he is sorry that when he first met me all he wanted to do was make me happy to love me and how he hated himself for getting married like he did. That he thinks I am selfless and beautiful and yes he has emotional issues and drinks too much and here is the number of his work phone, he should have just given it to me straight away and his sorry he didn't and he will love me till the day he dies. At about this time, I started kissing this guy I like a bit at work, I guess he gives me attention, I felt guilty but who know what his doing and I have now been seeing more and more or the work one, we have sex and talk all the time and he tells me to forget the guy and be with him and I am caught as I really like him, if was free and he treats me so well, his normal, he calls me up and takes me out and met his parents. As for the email he sent I ignored it at first but I knew I still love him, so I texted him week later and said I love you and then we agreed to meet, but then last minute he cancelled and then again and he cancelled, then again same thing, last time saying he was scared to see me cause I just tell him I hate him (Which I do a lot as all he does, but I do love him) That was 2 over 2 months, our last contact and I have tried to email him call etc and nothing, I spoke to our mutual friends few weeks ago, who said he was in our area recently and when asked about me said haven't spoken in months end of. Now I am not sure what is going on? Has he done his famous vanished act, maybe with someone else or does he know about me? I mean I am so unsure, sometime I hate him and when think about what done and all my friends hate him for all the let down then I know how well we get on and how we are great when together and how he gets me more then anymore, and when me and the guy I am now seeing have sex, I feel guilt after, but it's been months, should I feel guilty, yet I do not want him to other find out. Ideally I want him to contact me and for us to go back to how it all was at the start, but with no wife. Do you think it can? Or am I never going to hear from him again. Please help me Thank you
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at work, christmas, divorce, drunk, I love you, kissing, money, moved in, soulmate, spark, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, lola80  +, writes (13 August 2008):
I think its time to start living your life and leave him behind , He is a married man and sounds like he has serious commitment issues ,He wants his cake and to eat it to .
Seriously if you were the one for him why is he still with his wife who is supposed to make him unhappy ? He isnt staying because they have children together ! He sounds like a selfish and manipulative man if you ask me, and he seems to have a very strong hold over you ,
i reckon if he loved you as much as he claims he would either be with you or make it clear to you its over set you free to find someone who is available to you , who will be fully commited to you and you alone ! there is no future in this ! a friend of mine was in a simular situation and he only left the wife because she found out and threw him out. When she had him to herself she no longer found him so attractive anymore the chase was gone it wasn't as exciting , and she couldnt trust him for fear that she would end up being the other woman
I think the advice above really fits maybe you should see a counsellor to help you work through this maybe your happy being in a relationship with an unavailable man ? your worth more then the crumps this man has been given you ! LIfe is for living your only young dont waste anymore of your precious youth on this man who doesnt deserve either you or his wife, If you had him he would spend a lifetime letting you down because he is so selfish and is only really considering himself in this and feeling like he is the victim ( I dont think ), He doesnt have a clue what real love is !
Hope this is of some help
Take care all will be ok
xx
counselloR
A
female
reader, les  +, writes (13 August 2008):
While I do believe in soulmates, I also believe that there is more that one.
Stop abusing yourself and find the next one.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 August 2008):
 You must really enjoy being used and abused. Nobody in their right mind would put up with this crap. Dust yourself off and get on with your life.
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A
female
reader, Butterfly101  +, writes (13 August 2008):
Hi... The guy from work sounds like a better deal. He's respecting you and not hiding you from his family and his life.
The guy who is married doesn't sound like he is ever going to get divorced. Stick to his promises or respect you.
Have you thought about seeing a counsellor or reading some self discovery book to work out what type of man you are attracted to and the kind of man you want to love you and what love means to you.
There is a great book called "boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend that I would recommend, it helped me a lot!
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (13 August 2008):
 Sweetie, you are were having an affair with a married man, who was happy with the situation as it was... he is not going to leave his wife for you. Better that you understand that he has probably moved on and is having another affair with someother woman. Sorry to be so blunt, but it is time to forget him and move on with your life.
Honeygirl
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