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41-50,
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writes: So, I am very attracted to this guy that works for my Dad. Five weeks ago, we started talking. I think he is absolutely amazing. He is everything I think I want in a man. He is absolutely adorable, charming, and very sweet. He is just as attracted to me. He says that I am amazing, and beautiful. He loves the way I (well pretty much everything)The only problem is that he has a girlfriend that he has been with for two years. She is always nagging at him. He can't do anything right, and she's always putting him down. His self-confidence, well let's just say.... he absolutely has none. He's not happy with her, and I make him so happy. I really think that he wants to leave her (Only God know how many times she's cheated on him) Well, he doesn't even know!! She's saying like every week that she wants to start over with him, and he believes that stupid crap!! I know he's not happy with her (Who could be?) But he says that he still loves and cares for her, and that he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings!..... Well what about me? I see him when it is convenient for him. (While she is at work), when he comes to my house before he goes to work, and when he gets off. This really sucks. I just want to say "The hell with all of this" but I really do care for him, and I really am falling for this guy. what should I do??
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (3 November 2011):
"How long should I give him to do something about his gf?"
I think the time frame should be whatever you can deal with. There is no set time frame for which to break up with someone, whether it's him and her, or you and him. So don't base your time frame on how much time you think it's reasonable for him to end things with her - that's between him and her, or between him and himself.
Decide how long YOU can continue to stay in this situation without it changing. If it's 1 week, then that's what it is. if it's 1 year, then that's also what it is. it's up to you at this point to draw the line for what you are willing to put yourself through then he can take it or leave it. If your deadline arrives and he chooses not to end things with her, well then your time frame would have been based on what you can/can't handle anyway so it would still be in your best interest regardless of the outcome.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSee I know his girlfriend, and my best friend is friends with a lot of her friends. I know all the things that he is telling me are true.Her own friends tell a lot of stuff to my friend. Before I moved in with my Mom, I knew all about the things that he had told her about his girlfriend. We would all sit around before work and chat. My Mom asked him everyday how things were going with him and his gf. He never had anything good to say about their relationship. My parents were out of town one day, and we just started talking. This was the first time we had ever talked alone (without my Mom or Dad being there) It was just like instant attraction for the both of us. I knew better than to start what I did, but he is just such a great person. Its not about sex either. We just love to be around each other. He knows how I feel about things. He just said that he didnt like not being able to see me, and I told him that he needed to do something about it then. I care so much about him, but if he doesnt do something(real soon) then I really dont think that I can handle this much longer. How long should I give him to do something about his gf?
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female
reader, Koala Bear  +, writes (27 October 2011):
 If he isn't aware of how you feel then tell him, but this situation has way to many red flags. You are too emotionally involved in HIS situation. Your feelings about his girlfriend is unhealthy for you, try not to direct your frustrations and angry on her(especially if you don't know her). You would do more harm and causing emotional stress to yourself if you try to force this girl out of his life and replace her with yourself as his current love interest.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo a little info about my SOS He is defiantly not a ladie's man,not a smooth talker. He is very shy,and he's not out "mackin" around. He really is a good guy. His girlfriend is always going out cheating on him while he is at work or at home working. This is the first time he has ever talked to another girl. He really doesn't know how to get out of that relationship. He's really a good guy, and she's just a pill poppin whore!! She went out and spent all his paycheck and he told her to leave, but she pulled the whole I'm pregnant thing on him. Of coarse, she wasn't!
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female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (27 October 2011):
I agree with previous posters. Don't fall for it! It's the oldest cheaters trick in the book - make you the ally and complain about his "horrible girlfirend" that he just can't leave.
Bull.
He's not married with 3 kids. He can leave if he's truly miserable. No divorce necessary.
And the not wanting to hurt her? Nothing is more hurtful than when your boyfriend cheats on you emotionally and then physically. Don't be the other woman.
Tell him you like him and you would date him if he were single. Say it once then back off and respect his relationship. Don't be that girl.
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female
reader, Koala Bear +, writes (27 October 2011):
You opinion of his current girlfriend is completely bias. His influence on the matter is simple to manipulate you into thinking that he is the victim and needing out of a bad relationship. Honey don't buy it. Always remember there are at least two sides to this story and you are only getting one end of it. If this man is truly unhappy he would leave. Don't trick yourself into thinking that he just needs a kind helping hand out. Slowly but surely you will become the other woman. Don't be the cheater's accomplice. Move on.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (27 October 2011):
I think your choices are to either move on, or tell him of your feelings and that you want to be with him and see what happens then. I don't think it's a good idea to just "wait it out" without saying anything about it to him, because this means you're putting your life on hold for someone who doesn't even know that you're putting your life on hold for him, in which case don't be surprised if nothing happens.
people stay in bad relationships for many reasons. he has his reasons for being with her despite the way she treats him. obviously, leaving her isn't something he's been ready to do if he hasn't done it yet. Maybe he would eventually leave her of his own accord, but who knows how long that would be, it could be years down the road before he's finally had enough. Right now he's found a way to live with his relationship, so I think he'll probably continue to do what he's always been doing if nothing triggers him to seriously re-consider his default choice. If you don't say anything, there's no reason he would reconsider the status quo. Even if you do say something, it may or may not result in any change on his part. But if you don't say anything you're practically guaranteeing that nothing will change on his end.
but also ask yourself if this is the kind of person you actually want to be with? "Not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings" isn't actually a good character trait to have if it trumps doing the right thing or is used as an excuse to avoid being honest, avoid losing out on something, or avoid making some hard decisions.
In life, it's not always possible to make everyone happy. Some times, doing the right thing means you will make someone upset at you. It looks like he doesn't have the courage to do the right thing if it means taking the heat for it. Is this really someone you want to be with? Even if he left her to be with you, she could very well continue to manipulate him if he's this weak, and then you may be switching roles with her whereby you're his official partner but he's seeing her in secret so he " won't hurt her feelings..."
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (27 October 2011):
 Two things, you either put it out there that you like him and want to be in a relationship, and he either breaks up with his gf to be with you, or he stays with her. That's when it could get awkward and you may fall out of contact.
On the other hand, you be respectful of his relationship(regardless of whether you think he's unhappy or not, he is currently taken by someone else), and keep quiet until they break things off on their own accord before making your move and telling him.
So you either tell him now, or wait it out - Your call.
Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2011): you should move on because it's his (crappy) life with his (crappy) relationship with his (awful) girlfriend that he's choosing to continue with, and you can't change someone else's mind if they've decided to put themselves in that situation.
the fact that she's so awful and treats him so poorly yet he's still with her, says volumes about HIM. maybe he's only still with her because she's beaten down his self esteem so much that he doesn't have the strength to leave her. or maybe he's got his own set of "issues" and faulty thinking that make him want to subject himself to verbal abuse. whatever, you can't change his thinking for him.
and then you're there being his shoulder to cry on whenever it's convenient for him. You'd think this would make him ditch her in a heartbeat to be with you. But instead it seems that he's using you as a crutch to make his miserable life more tolerable so he can continue living his miserable life with her.
the point is, for many people leaving a horrible relationship takes guts which they just don't have. It takes growing a spine which they don't have. So they continue to stay with someone who treats them badly and whom they don't really like being around, and to squash their misery they see other people on the side who make them feel better (sound familiar?). IF and when such people eventually leave their horrible relationship it is a major life changing thing which is great if it ever happens, but you don't know when it will happen or if it even will.
if he's going to ever leave her, it has to be his own personal journey to decide. the fact that he hasn't already left her, means that something's keeping him there whether it's a positive or negative we don't know.
and yes (speaking from experience) people whose partners treat them badly are some of the very people who are most likely to stay in that relationship. why? one reason is because the verbal and emotional abuse they have endured has successfully worn down their self esteems so they have zero confidence and energy to leave the relationship. Another reason is that people who would even get involved with horrible partners have some flaw in themselves to begin with. (such as a distorted sense of what love and commitment means)
you can certainly tell him of your feelings for him but realize that may not result in anything because if he hasn't already left her despite the way she treats him, then something's wrong with him and thus it's not so easy for him to just leave her now even if he knows how you feel and you are treating him better. so , all you can do that's within your own power is to tell him honestly of your feelings for him and that you'd like for him to be with you. And then don't expect anything from him and be prepared to move on.
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female
reader, KittieS +, writes (27 October 2011):
 Ok harsh time
You only have his say-so..
Please trust me, some guys are very willing to point out all the problems, give examples that's "shes" cheated on him - most women dont cheat until their partners do, maybe it's different this time but seeing someone in this state will do nothing for you apart from being a negative force.
If a man is truly unhappy he leaves. I'm sorry but if you start a relationship with this man YOU will be hurt
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female
reader, GettingInYourBizness +, writes (27 October 2011):
 From your text:
He is everything I think I want in a man.
[BUT] The only problem is that he has a girlfriend that he has been with for two years.
Question: Red flag, not single, move on. Why would you want a man that's looking to cheat or talk to women so intimately that's not his GF/WIFE? Do you want to wind up in her situation in 2 years?
ON HIS GF:
She is always nagging at him. He can't do anything right, and she's always putting him down.
He's not happy with her, and I make him so happy.
I really think that he wants to leave her [...].
I know he's not happy with her (Who could be?) But he says that he still loves and cares for her, and that he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings!
Comment: He's venting. He unloads it all on you, then goes home less stressed and probably happier in his relationship. Every man who cheats is always going to talk about how he's not appreciated, taken care of, etc - they always need a reason to justify it.
THIS IS THE LIFE OF THE "OTHER" WOMAN:
I see him when it is *convenient* for him. (While she is at work), when he comes to my house before he goes to work, and when he gets off.
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