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*awnJSS1962
writes:Last night my 19-year-old son admitted to us he had a secret which was shocking, but that he needed to get off his chest.We were worried what it was going to be - but his response shocked us.He said he liked wearing women's clothing, explained to me it wasn't a sexual thing, fetish or anything like that and that he doesn't want a sex change, yet he wants to be open about it in public. He said it's not for shock value or entertainment, it's just him being who he really is, and that he takes the time to make himself like 99.5% feminine and to avoid looking like a crossdresser. He says he already has a feminine name and personality to go with it - "Danielle".He says he wants to leave his office job in a research firm and find a job where he can be allowed to be his alternate personality - even if the payslips are legally sent to him in his male name (he told us he'd read about this on a website called crossdressers.com, which we'd never heard of until now!)He's an only child, so there's no worries about how siblings would react.Me and my husband can't understand why he's like this - it seems bizarre.In only a matter of months he'll be 20, so teenage life won't be an issue for him.I worry about him being open with this in public, won't he be a target for bullying/violence/crime etc.?I'm in two minds about this - is it good him being open and honest to us and wanting to be open and honest to everyone else about this? or should we just have ignored it when he told us.I don't know how to react to this, let alone deal with it, I need help before this gets me and my husband down worrying about how he'll cope.Our son has kept trying to reassure us, but this is getting me down and to be honest, I fear for his personal safety.Please help us - we need all the help we can get. Reply to this Question
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reader, Perspicacious +, writes (7 September 2009):
You did absolutely the right thing in not ignoring it when he told you. However much you might wish it would, this issue is not going to vanish.
Your worries about his safety are valid to an extent, but you have to balance that against other factors. For example, did you know that the suicide rate amongst transgendered people is extremely high when their needs aren't met? That should give some indication of the mental torment people in his situation can feel, and the bottom line is he wouldn't be wanting to do this if it wasn't something he felt he absolutely has to do.
What your son really needs to do is to see a counsellor that specialises in gender identity. The first step for that is for him to speak to his GP who will begin the referral process.
Ideally, he should do that before starting living his life as Danielle, and they would be able to give him help and support in doing so (as well as making sure it really is right for him!). Unfortunately, there is a long waiting list to see them on the NHS in most areas.
Therefore perhaps you could encourage him to be Danielle more openly in ways that doesn't interfere with work etc to begin with? For example, at weekends and see how he copes with that? In other words, encourage him to walk before he starts running.
There is lots of support out there for him, and for you and your husband too. The Gender Trust run a helpline (0845 231 0505) for anyone in your position and will be able to refer you to help and support in your area. Giving them a call would be an excellent next step to take!
Good luck!
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (7 September 2009):
 Unfortunately for you and your husband, this is a real shocker.
However, he loves his mom and dad, and he was totally honest with you. That took a lot of courage and he invested a great deal of trust in you. So in that respect, you should be proud of him.
As far as the cross-dressing, its something that happens to people. Its a phenomena but basically he's a male but he wants to dress like and assume the personality of a female.
This could be an indication that he wants to become a trans-sexual, even though right now he's not looking for that. But it could also mean that he intends to have a conventional life at some point and only wants to use the Danielle personality for a while to test the waters.
Its difficult to say where he's at because cross-dressing involves all sorts of sexually oriented people, or non-sexually oriented people.
The only thing you can hope for really is to support your son in any decision he makes. He's an adult so you can't say "no".
You're right to worry about bullying and harassment. Your son is definitely different than your "average" Joe. I can see your fear that maybe someone finds out he's a he instead of a she, then they may freak out and attack him.
That's probably a remote possibility. I'm sure your son is smarter than that.
If you feel really bad about this, you can offer some sort of family therapy for it. I'm afraid it would be more for you and your husband, than your son.
I do recommend it though only because after the shock wears off, you don't want to feel shame, pass blame and go through the entire process of dealing with this issue at least without some help. I can empathize with you as he is your only son.
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