A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm having a dilemma over Christmas Day and I could do with some advice.I have a small family consisting of my sister, mother and grandmother. i didn't get on particularly well with my sister- we only see each other three times a year at family occasions and at those we barely speak. We're just chalk and cheese and I find that she's a very aggressive and opinionated person. Normally my mother or grandmother host Christmas but this year my sister has decided to host the lunch at the home she now shares with her partner. I've been told that I have been invited to lunch by my mother but to be honest I think that it's pretty poor that my sister (who's in her 30s) can't pick up a phone, send a message or email to invite me herself. I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable about it anyway as I'd rather if I have to see her that it be on neutral ground seeing as she's as inviting as the Antarctic. I've hinted to my mother that I might make other plans for the day (i.e., stay at home in peace) which has of course gone down like a lead balloon.Any advice please?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2016): Is your mother the family mouth-piece? If your adult sister wants you to come to her house for Xmas then she can pick up the phone or send you a note to invite you herself. Until she does that (Christmas may actually come and go in the meantime !) then you are not going. Make that clear to your Mum - next time she brings up the topic and tries to intervene. In the meantime I would make plans for yourself. You don't have to explain what you are doing (unless it suits you to do so). You are entitled to spend Xmas having a quiet day on your own or with friends.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 October 2016):
 If you want to stay at home and have peace then you should. But are you sure deep down you would not feel lonely and upset that you are missing out with your family? Plenty of time until Christmas so have a think about it and maybe write a pro and con list.
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A
female
reader, MartiJJ +, writes (28 October 2016):
 I'd personally go, wait till your darling sister starts then serve her one back just for the entertainment factor, let all hell break loose, cop the blame for ruining Christmas then storm out after throwing a witty 'I didn't want to be here anyway' comment, that way never again will you be invited back, you even run the 'risk' of your sister never talking to you again, I'm sure your Mother and Grandmother will recover after time, and a few, 'I tried to tell you it was a bad idea?' Reminders !
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 October 2016):
 I see it a bit differently. Even the Antarctica can be conquered by a well equipped explorer :)
It's only a few hours in one day of the year. Making an appearence at the family lunch won't kill you- maybe you can cut the ordeal short and quote other comittments as the reason to leave right after dessert ?
Note that in general I am a big proponent of " Do what you want, not what other people want for you " but in this case I think a little effort is warranted. You only have a beef with your sister, not with your mom and grandmother, and by not spending Xmas with THEM, which I am sure they care much about, you would be punishing them for your sister's wrongdoings. Plus, refusing to attend a family dinner just because it will be hosted in your sister's turf - sounds to me like an open all-out war declaration, and I would not do it unless I had decided to cut any kind of contacts whatsoever with said siter. Probably in your case this would be unnecessary,or excessive, since it's not like your sister and you are doing purposedly doing mean, damaging things to each other. You are just two people who do not get along and do not " get " each other, but apparently so far both able to be civil to each other a few times a year. So why not making another effort at civility if that pleases your mom and grandma.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2016): I bet your mother has invited you as your sister wont bother. I have a sister who is hateful towards people including me. I don't get on with my parents and they expect me to put up with their emotional abuse . Xmas is a long way from happy. I have lied about doing other things at Xmas for last 5 years as an excuse. I have a blissful day of no drama to myself. You could also volunteer.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 October 2016):
 Ah, Xmas. The time for stress and enforced time with people you would not normally feel you had to see.
While I totally agree life is too short to spend with people who you don't like (regardless of family links), there are others' feelings to be taken into consideration here as well as your own by the sound of it.
How much would it upset your mother if you didn't go? Could you have some excuse ready and just pop in for an hour or two, as a compromise? That way you have shown your face but not had to put up with your sister for too long.
Alternatively, could you invite your mother & gran round for Boxing Day as an alternative to spending time with everyone on Xmas Day?
Whatever you decide to do, make your plans known ahead and stick to them. And have a lovely Xmas.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (27 October 2016):
 Have to agree, if she is the host then the invite comes from her. If and when it does a simple thank you but Ive made other plans is all thats needed. When your damed if you do and damed if you don't then why not go with what makes it bearable for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 October 2016):
 If you want to stay home, do so.
YOU don't need my permission or that of your mom, grandmother or sister. You CAN always make plans to stop by your mom/grandmother's when it suits them.
If going means HOURS of being uncomfortable I'd skip it. YES I get that Christmas is big on some families, but you are not a kid and don't HAVE to suck it up.
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