A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I think my relationship is making me feel unconscious, mentally foggy, and unhappy and just out right not myself anymore. I have been with my partner for 2.5 years and things were great in the beginning. I thought we had the same vision in life about what we going to improve in terms of self development/life but it has all fizzled out. I have gained 35kg in this relationship and have very little self esteem and confidence left. I feel ugly, underappreciated and confused as to why I don’t get treated right.Here are some of the bad things in the relationship:· Verbal Abuse/Anger – he gets very verbally abusive in very converstation. He will swear in every sentence and uses a tone which always feels so aggressive. He will get really cheeky with me in a rude way and when I try to respond in a normal manner he calls me aggressive. I hardly ever swear at him (probably only twice in the relationship) but if I do he goes really mad and tells me to stop being aggressive. It’s like he can’t see what he is being like.· When he drinks (used to be a heavy drink but now only once a week) it’s way too much and he gets so drunk. He can’t say no to another drink. He becomes really cruel when he is drunk and he also become really flirty with other women. I don’t trust him. He came back stupidly drunk a month ago. I spent the whole night listening to him call me names whilst I looked after him and stopped him chocking on his vomit. He is going out for a works night out this weekend but I am terrified of what will happen. I feel like im constantly leaving in fear.· His friends come first. All his friend are very immature, they make crude horrible jokes all day at work. He always backs up his friends opinion over mine. His friends priorities come over mine. He replies back to his friends text quickly but doesn’t reply back to me for hours.· I pay for 75% of things. He is 28 and has a dead end job that pays peanuts. I pay most of the things and he isn’t even bothered by it. He spent 9 years of his life smoking weed with no job. He quit the weed when I met him but has been in a dead end job since. I keep telling him to gain some skills via a course or try to get a better job but he puts no effort in. he says that when we move cities he will try to get a better job. I’m tired of paying for most things but I feel like theres nothing more I can say to him.· His family aren’t very positive or supportive. His mother is a massive worrier and she not happy about us moving. I feel like everything is a drag with his parents. When we do visit his parents they always seem to argue with him. Whereas my mum and dad are happy, they are helping us both financially and mentally. My family don’t get aggressive and swear like his family so this is all new to me.· He doesn’t act very mature. At home he spends a lot of his free time playing videos games or complaining about anything or everything. I am really tired of being with someone that is so moany about everything. He never has anything good to say unless it is about his friends.A month ago he really hurt me. I caught him spending our money on porn. This hurt me so much because he said he couldn’t afford to buy me a birthday card. Instead he spent money on porn. Not forgetting he crushed my physical confidence when he turned to porn for sexual gratification. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore. It so sad that I no longer want to even touch him. was ready to leave him at that point. But he wouldn’t stop crying and he promised to change the anger, swearing, heavy drinking and will get a better job. He seemed as though he was ready to change. There is a part of me that still loves him so I said I will give him one more chance. I also said he needs to give me time. The problem is that we are now both moving to a place that is 500 miles away from current home in 3 weeks. I am moving to start a new course and to be closer to family. He is moving with me because he says he won’t give up on us. I can’t just leave him now and I promised him I would give him another chance. BUT I have not seen any change since the last incident. He was different for the first week but now he is still getting angry, he is still swearing at me and now thinks that it is actually ok to drink heavy. I don’t feel like I can talk to him about his behaviour now. He gets very angry if I don’t send him kisses in texts and things like that. I feel like he’s not giving me time. On top of all this, I am trying to lose weight and get my life back to normal whilst still giving him a chance. I’m also tired of being the bread winner. The only good moments we have are when I am acting all cutesy and trying to diffuse any potential conflict. I don’t know what to do. How do I give him a chance when he’s not trying? It is emotionally drowning me but at the same time hes not a bad guy. I do love and care about him but I cant keep living on egg shells feeling like this. Is there anything I can say to him to make him realise?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (23 July 2015):
 i agree with the previous poster, things will get more messy if you try to break up when living together. he sounds horrible. you have listed a lot of his bad points,i suppose you struggle to find any good ones. if someone you really cared about came to you with a story about their partner behaving like this, what advice would you give her? apply that advice to your own situation. he is dragging you down emotionally. do you want this for your future, potentially the rest of your life?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2015): You could be dating my ex from what you've written !Anyway, you've listed a whole lot of things not to love about him. He is how he is and no amount of mothering will turn him into the ambitious gentleman you want. He is comfortable with his life as it is. If he wasn't he would already be making the necessary changes.As you move up in the world and lose weight and gain a new social circle you'll feel like he's holding you back / embarrassing to being him along to meet your professional friends. But it'll be messy to break up while renting together.I say cut the cord now.
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A
female
reader, MSA  +, writes (21 July 2015):
 I'm sorry to say, but when I read your post what I got was that he is very dependent and needy. He is very insecure. That is why he is clinging to you like he is. His insecurity also manifests itself in his abuse and putting his friends first. It's a manly thing I guess. As for you, you love the fact that he is dependent on you, that he needs you so much. That is why even though you are not happy that he is not treating you like a queen, you give him chance after chance because you actually like that fact that he can't leave you.
You need to seriously think about whether you truly love this man or just love that fact that he needs you so much and makes you feel so important.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 July 2015):
 Hey, you just GAVE him another chance , and he just blew it !
Or, he meant that his new course in life and reformed behaviour was going to start from when you move ??
Why ? Will it be the air in the new place that will make him good, the quality of the water ? Why hasn't he started acting decent NOW , the very moment when you discussed your issues , the moment he agreed he needs to change ?
" Tomorrow " is a beautiful land to live in, it's the land where we all be good nice responsible upstanding citizens, we'll accomplish great things, we'll make lots of money, - and we'll start eating healthy too !
But, life is NOW.
And now, he is being a jerk, a dangerous jerk. You need to get rid of him and the sooner the better. Don't bring him along with you in the new house- you need him ...as much as you'd need a malignant tumor.
That's an idea, make this a health issue- a mental health issue. To overcome the old tired stale ..." but I love him !" thing. You may still love him ( one can't help wondering why, though ) but he is BAD for your health.
People LOVE their cigarettes too, but most of them will manage to quit when faced with " either you quit or in one month you are a goner ". Pretend that your LIFE is at stake- which in a way it is. There are other ways to kill a person ( emotionally, psychologically ) other than just physically ( which anyway I would not put past this guy since he is an aggressive drunkard ).
As for his tears and chagrin... aww please. I'd cry too ! , if I had someone supporting me and paying 75% of everything- who, all of a sudden, threatens to draw rhe purse strings ! I'd cry a river- and I do not even drink !!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 July 2015):
 Break up NOW, before the move. THAT way he doesn't have a reason to move WITH you.
You sounds like you have had a foot out the door a while, that the relationship makes you miserable, so WHY stay?
Maybe you moving away will GIVE him a chance for some personal growth.
Personally though, I think you have just outgrown him.
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