A
male
age
36-40,
*rancedRhythmEar
writes:My potential fiance is scared of being hurt and her insecurity is a result of her past and currently refuses engagement. Her mother calls me a great guy and the 'right one' for her and her siblings i get along with. I did not get a chance to meet the father but the oldest brother stated the mother was the one to 'win' which i did successfully. A similar problem occurred in the summer so do I wait for to her to heal, which who knows how long it could take? or do i move on? The family has said they want me to wait and just give her some space. Ive invested a lot of time and effort into her and the family and have a custom made engagement ring for her that I will not give to another lady. Any advice with this is appreciated. thank you.
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fiance, her past, move on Reply to this Question
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male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar +, writes (10 November 2015):
TrancedRhythmEar is verified as being by the original poster of the question Dear All really appreciate the advice you are fantastic!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2015): If you really love her, it will be worth the wait.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 November 2015):
 While I'm NOT familiar with your customs I would say:
I would give her some space, but at the same time I think SHE needs to be honest with you. Whether she actually SEES you as a suitor or if the "being scared" her way of letting you down easy or get out of an engagement she doesn't want.
Because it's NOT fair that she plays a "scared" card if she isn't "scared" but is trying to reject you in a "nicer" way.
She may not agree with her mom when it comes to taste/type in men?
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (8 November 2015):
 I would to think that someone who loved me would be patient and make the utmost effort to alleviate these fears... however it's equally up to her to make the effort to OVERCOME these insecurities, it's not just your responsibility, although you have a big part to play in being open, showing YOUR vulnerablities to put her at ease, and just giving her all you can...At he same time SHE needs to do her part- it's not ok for you to give everything to her and she make no effort to help herself, whether it be therapy or whatever- she cant just LET things go on treating you badly, expecting you to put up with it- if you're thinking about getting married, you both need to mke equal effort to work through these issues, or let things fall apart...You need to make it clear that you love her, but the bottom line is that both parties in a relationship need to both do their best to overcome obstacles- if one party isnt trying that hard, then why should the other? She needs to make the effort and make sure it's clear you'll do everything to support her... firstly though make sure you DO want to be married to her and that you do love her truly... you're only human, if you put your whole self into helping her, and she carries on treating you badly then you wont have anything left to give and things might fall apart... it all depends on how much you BOTH care about each other.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, jlheinemann +, writes (8 November 2015):
I think it is really obvious you have deep feelings for her, or you would not be asking such questions on this website. I would ask you to explore more though, around the issues that may be holding her back. Are they really past hurts? Or, is she not that into you? Has she told you she loves you? Has she demonstrated that she loves you? It is concerning that when you are expressing love and concern for her, she is showing you cruelty. You do not deserve to be treated that way if what you say is true. That makes me question whether or not she shares your same feelings about the relationship. I know that it may hurt to hear that but, as Cerebus wrote, marriage is not to be taken lightly. Be careful.
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A
female
reader, Mina_Bhamji +, writes (7 November 2015):
 I would say interact and reassure her as much as possible, taking away a woman's insecurities can only be done by herself but you can suppress them. Make sure you let her know how important she is to you and you'll not hurt her intentionally. Leaving a woman whilst she feels like this will break her, and she will not feel like this forever. So wait for her to heal, but you've got her to get on the same track as you, she needs to want to heal. Emphasise the differences between the relationships with the old ones and you, and get her to understand you would not ever do things for other woman that you do for her as you find her special I'm assuming. But this isn't a reason to leave her, if anything this should be bringing you together, when she's at her lowest you make her find her highest.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar +, writes (7 November 2015):
TrancedRhythmEar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI tried to remove my emotion there and just be plain logical. I do love her without question and the right kind of love. My instinct says to continue to wait but her insecurity has also made her cruel in a way even when im at my most polite and sympathetic attitude. Its very frustrating.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (7 November 2015):
 As much as the family is included in a marriage, your main focus should be her. I think if you have to question whether or not you should wait or move on, is a bad sign.
Why do you want to get married? Out of love or to appease the customs of the society around you? If you don't love her, I suggest you move on.
If you do genuinely love her, I think the answer should be clear. Patience is a virtue and you should be trying to show her that you understand and that you just want her to be happy.
If I'm being completely honest, it doesn't sound like you do love her and I would advise against marriage until you find someone you actually want to spend the rest of your life with. A marriage is not something one should ever simply rush into for the sake of getting married. It doesn't work like that.
I hope that helps.
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