A
male
age
51-59,
*eregrine_01
writes:Here's my dilemma. I just found out that my g/f of 2 years has been emailing an ex. She initiated the conversation and then, over the course of five or six emails, mentioned that she still thinks of him often, then ended the last one with by calling him "sweet cheeks", saying that she'd repay him for a favour* "'in kind'", and signing off by calling him "my love"*He's her ex therapist from few years ago, long before we met. They had a professional affair.To be fair to him, he was friendly but no more. All the amorous stuff was from her.I found out because I was looking for something on an old laptop that she'd used in the past, and her account details were still in the system. I know I shouldn't have clicked log in, but...Any suggestions on what I should do? It was definitely more than just harmless flirting; there was intent in her last message. So I don't want to ignore it and pretend nothing's wrong. Don't want to go crazy either though. Thanks
View related questions:
affair, flirt, her ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 November 2015):
 Wouldn't it hurt even more to stay with her? Knowing what you know?
Now the other dude doesn't owe you fidelity, she kind of does as your GF. My guess is she would claim it was all in "jest" or a personal joke between them and you are overacting.. It's all your fault because you don't trust her... My guess is she would put the blame on you, no matter what.
Yes, snooping is bad. And very common, however that doesn't make it better. But I DO think that YOU admitting you did wrong might be a GOOD thing to admit to her, whether you break up with her or work it out. Know what I mean? It shows that you aren't perfect, and that you know she isn't either. Then it all comes down to whether she can OWN up to her actions (the e-mails and their content) or not.
Had he responded "favorably" to her e-mails it could easily have escalated into a emotional affair or even a physical one ... or both. But he doesn't seem interested, he didn't take the bait.
And I know having a partner who is unfaithful ( or planning to be in your case) it's not a nice position to be in. It makes you sick to your stomach and a bit helpless. It really does come down to YOUR limits, boundaries, morals & values.
Or you can go the route of just ending it without without telling her that you find her behavior with this ex inappropriate. Do what feels right to you.
Personally, I'd own up to snooping and I'd lay out what I saw and THAT is why the relationship is now over.
The relationship didn't break BECAUSE you snooped. She still e-mailed him, you would just have been in the dark a lot longer than you were.
A
male
reader, Peregrine_01 +, writes (7 November 2015):
Peregrine_01 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the replies. The emails are all recent (all in the same evening, in fact), her account details haven't changed. I want to confront her and demand an explanation, but (a) that would mean admitting I snooped, which I'm pretty ashamed of; and (b) I'm not sure what difference it would make. The trust is gone - we've both violated it. Although I feel that her wannabe cheating is far worse! Honeypie, you're right. She WAS trying real hard. Every time the guy didn't take one piece of flirty bait, she stepped it up in the next message. Ending with the "'payment in kind'" and "my love" sentiment. To which he hasn't replied AFAIK.We live apart, and my son is staying with me this weekend, so I can't go over to talk. I'm tempted to just go there at the next opportunity, tell her I know what she's been up to (but not how I know) and just leave. End of. No further explanation necessary. But I know it'll kill me... :-(
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 November 2015):
If he is her former therapist it was definitely NOT a professional affair.. Therapist and client? not at all professional of the therapist...
Around the time she wrote the first e-mail has anything happened? job loss, fight with you, other losses?
I have to ask WHAT was the favor she asked of him? ( the one she wanted to "repay in kind"). Because I think that may be the root of this issue. IS she looking for him to give her advice (like a therapist to a client) or what exactly is it she is looking for (is there any clue to that in the e-mails)?
I would presume right of the bat there there are things she isn't happy with in her life, in her relationship with you - but instead of fixing what's wrong (like by talking to you or whatever) she is CHOOSING to track down an ex and flirt with him. She is trying REAL hard to get him to engage. To give her something back. Whether it's attention or sexual stimulation (dirty talking) the crux is.... SHE is not going to stop. She is not going to clue you in what's up with her - you are not part of this fantasy of hers.
And while I DO think invading someones privacy (you reading her e-mails) is a pretty rotten thing to do - let alone not exactly legal either. You can't change what you did and all you can do is move forward, so #1 would be to confess that you snooped and #2 talk to her about WHAT you saw/read.
Now you may want to consider if .... you want to be with someone who will rather stick her head in the sand AND contact an ex instead of sitting you down and saying :" hey I'm not happy or I feel XYZ."
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2015): I would go crazy in such a situation. It means she's having romantic thoughts about him, which doesn't bode well about her feelings for you? To me, her messages seemed flirtatious, invitational.
However, you say it was an old laptop. Were these written very early in your relationship with her? Perhaps, as her relationship with you grew, she lost any lingering feelings she had for him.
If so, they may mean nothing. If she has written to him recently, you should confront her.
Professional affair? I've never heard that term before. Honestly, I'd question the morals of anyone who would sleep with their therapist to begin with. Both of them crossed a line and would probably do so again.
...............................
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (7 November 2015):
 You have your answer already. You cannot ignore it and you pretend that nothing is wrong. So you will have to confront her.
Ask her why she did it, why she didn't talk to you about things that she may have felt were missing in your relationship.
Honestly, I have my doubts about a conversation like that ending well, no matter what. But it's worth it to try and maintain your calm throughout, no matter what happens or what is said.
As for whether or not you should walk, that is up to you. Just remember that there cannot be a relationship without trust.
I hope that helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, Mina_Bhamji +, writes (7 November 2015):
 Don't ignore it. Speak to her about it. It's clear its made you not happy, and you should address it to her. See her reasons for why she spoke to him. She might try flip it on you, with the whole snooping through her things at first, but don't give in to it and feel like it's your fault. As she is in the wrong.
But do sit her down and express the way you feel about reading things like that, ask her how she would feel if it was you. Women always have this tendency to get men to try put their feet in their shoes so she will understand. And just tell her what you expect for future references
...............................
|
