A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So I recently found out my partner is watching porn again which makes me really unhappy.The first time I found out he was watching it was whilst he was in the bathroom with the volume turned up, so it was quite obvious and he made no effort to hide this: I confronted him and told him that I didn’t like that he was watching it as it made me feel like I’m not good enough for him. I know my issue is more deep rooted within myself and I’m working on my self confidence and self esteem but this has really knocked it. This time he was hiding it. Our son was playing with my partners Apple watch, I took it off him before he damaged it and I seen that he was watching porn on his mobile phone upstairs. I felt a horrible feeling in my stomach because he was watching it, knowing how it makes me feel. Later in the day, when our son was asleep, I confronted him and asked him why he watches it. He replied “it releases stress when he’s angry/stressed’, but this was first thing in the morning. I asked if there was another way he could relieve stress to which he didn’t answer but instead said ‘every guy watches it, I’m not the only one’. I feel like I kept repeating myself about not feeling good enough, that he finds these women more attractive, why else would he watch it? I feel petty and irrational this being an issue for me but it just doesn’t sit right. I know a lot of guys do this, but not every woman is okay with it. Right? We argued, because he hadn’t listened to me and my feelings. How he’s making me feel. He said ‘I will try to be more careful in future and give it up for a while’. I know I can’t stop him from watching it but he isn’t even trying to consider my feelings and how it’s making me feel. I’m working really hard on loving who I am and becoming a confident mother who’s happy with with how I look but it’s a struggle. Am I being over sensitive?
View related questions:
confidence, porn, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Kofcalifornia  +, writes (8 November 2021):
Yes you are being very sensitive which is understandable. However i have to ask if your intentions are to start a fight?? If not then just give him his space and privacy to watch porn. Unless you can watch ot with him without relating everything to you. Especially placing your value as a woman on his habit of watching porn. If you are not willing to do the things the woman in porn do then just let him be.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (11 August 2021):
 "I feel like I kept repeating myself about not feeling good enough, that he finds these women more attractive, why else would he watch it?"
Ironic that you complain about your partner not listening to you yet you obviously didn't listen to him when he actually explained to you why he watches porn: to relieve stress. Watching porn (and masturbating to it, obviously) is a completely different thing to having sex with someone. It requires no effort and is completely selfish. It is stress relief, pure and simple. It is much more to do with the performance than the actors.
You do realize your partner is not your therapist, there to help you with your self esteem issues? You admit to feeling "petty and irrational" and acknowledge "I know my issue is more deep rooted within myself and I’m working on my self confidence and self esteem", yet you still expect him to be responsible for all this. Nobody can make you feel bad about yourself without your express permission. Are you getting professional help to assist you in overcoming the feelings you are unhappy about?
It doesn't look like he is going to give up watching porn so you have a choice to make: either decide he is not the man for you and walk away, or try to learn how to live with someone who watches porn. How is your relationship otherwise? Is it worth fighting for, or has it run its course?
In your shoes, my main concern would be your son witnessing what his father is watching. You both need to protect him from exposure to such material at an inappropriate age.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2021): Sometimes it can suit a person to call time on the porn watched and send them out of the door with their belongings and then peace reigns.
It depends on how much you value him and how much you value yourself.
You have a son together so you need to be on the same page.
You can tell him to get himself a man den where he can back off at will.
If he is totally demoralizing you then you can lock him out.
If you imagined yourself prioritizing your genitals above all else you could understand that he isn't really thinking about you or your feelings at all.
But you need to fix up child support and visiting rights.
I think, however that you are asking for ways to cope with his porn habit.
You could ask him to stop beating his monkey I suppose but if it is hideous to you the best answer is to put him in a situation where he can choose family over porn.
...............................
A
female
reader, EmmyApple +, writes (11 August 2021):
My husband does it too. It took me a long time to accept. I struggled with the same feelings as you, especially because I am overweight. I gained a lot of weight since our wedding. I felt like my body can’t compete with a lot of the girls he looks at. :(But the truth is he IS attracted to me! We have sex every night. He is super passionate about my body. But like many men, his sex drive is huge, way bigger than I can fulfill for him. He would have sex with me 3-4 times a day if I was up for it. I’m not. He uses porn to satisfy the rest of his urges that I can’t do. Usually right after he gets home from work and needs to relieve stress, and/or in the morning which is when men are naturally horny.I don’t like porn and I think it CAN cause a lot of problems. Especially if he is into really weird and kinky stuff. My husband keeps it very soft core so that’s much better. How is your sex life? If porn is affecting your sex life - if he’s choosing it OVER you - then that’s a problem. If your sex life is great, I don’t think he’s not attracted to you - that’s just your insecurity talking. He’s very attracted to you but has a huge sex drive and needs to feel a release more often. For a lot of men this is more of a physical problem than anything. We women don’t separate emotion from sexual attraction as easily - for us emotional attraction and sexual attraction go together. But for men masturbation can be totally emotionless - they are satisfying a physical need, like scratching an itch. He doesn’t have any emotional feelings for any of the girls he’s looking at. Those images are merely stimulation to help him get hard. This is a physical thing and pretty much all guys do it, but some more often than others.So, you’ve recounted a couple times when he looked at porn but you didn’t really tell us how often he does it or how it’s affecting your sex life. If it’s affecting your sex life or he’s doing it so often it’s causing other problems, then I agree it’s a problem. If your sex life is good and he’s only done it these 2 times that you’re aware of, honestly I would let it rest. He is a normal healthy male and acting like one. You are reading too much into it if you let it affect your confidence.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tinacandida +, writes (10 August 2021):
 Its true a lot of adults watch porn. A lot of couples watch porn together. on a good note its out in the open with you and hes not denying watching it but in a relationship youve both got to be comfortable and respect each others wishes. He knows you dont like it, maybe its a phase that he feels he needs to get through before he gets fed up of it. You can either try watching it together or tell him to stop. Or you can ask him to watch it when you arent around, do it in his own tome and not blatently in front of you. At the end of the day he needs to talk to you about it and see if you can find out why he needs to have this in his life.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2021): I don't think there is such a thing as a man who doesn't watch porn. They all do in my experience and by their own admissions. Men love sex and they love variety. This is who and what they are. It is NO reflection on you. A man could love his wife/partner/girlfriend to the ends of the earth and still watch porn. It has never bothered me because I know they watch it a) because they can, b) because I know it doesn't affect the way they feel about me and c) because they DO need to release the stress that builds up in them without very regular sex. Men don't think and feel like we do. Their need for sex is, I think so much greater than most women's that it's hard for women to comprehend their need for it. Watching porn is only a release, it does not mean that he loves or fancies you any less. You need to get your head around this, because any future relationship with a man will involve the same problem, they may just be better at hiding it, that's all.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2021): You can’t help how you feel, so don’t beat yourself up over the fact that it bothers you. I really hate the “everyone’s doing it” excuse, regardless of what it’s about. Even if that were true (it’s not, by the way), that doesn’t make him in the right. (Deciding the difference between right and wrong based on what the majority says is not a good or accurate way to go.) There have been plenty of medical studies done over the years, and plenty of books written on this topic, that determined that porn IS indeed harmful to a relationship, even if not used in excess. Time after time, it was determined that porn does make men less satisfied with “imperfect” bodies, and gives them unrealistic expectations when it comes to sex. Even men who THINK porn doesn’t in any way effect their opinions about what is physically attractive on a woman are kidding themselves. If they were to give it some actual thought, they’d realize this. Most who use it aren’t going to do this, though, because for them porn is an “easy” release that they see as no big deal. They’re not thinking about the long term effects it has on the brain, they’re thinking about getting off. You’re right that you can’t make him stop, and honestly, if he’s going with the “everyone’s doing it” excuse, he has no intention of stopping. This is because he truly sees it as no big deal. It’s time for a heart to heart. I also recommend the book “The Porn Trap” that goes into full detail about what I mentioned above. I was also ignorant in the past to how harmful porn actually is.
...............................
|
