A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey y'all. I dont know how im to put this without sounding like a hag. When i met my fiancé i had 2 kids in tow. We had one of our own a few years later. During the pregnancy his mom was pretty supportive she reassured me that she would be a constant help and in the baby's life as would her husband. They didn't rare my fiancé until they were qualified from med school so their parents paid a huge part in my fiancé life. I have no family around me. My brothers are abroad backpacking my sister moved to Germany and my mom has is a 2 hours away but we try to see eachother as much as possible at least 3 times a month even though My mom doesnt drive and is on disabilty. Any whoo its been 5 years and his parents live a 5 min walk from us. They do not visit. They dont call or ask about the child. They seem fake ever since i had her. Not there. No support. Just like they cant be bothered. I mean they live dowm the street how hard is it to stop by? Ive brought this up with my fiance so many times he said its just how they are or that they are busy. Like obe time they planned to call in and then never showed. I seen on fb they wemt to a bar instead. They do this alot. Ones a lawyer and ones a nurse so they have the income to go and do as they please. Wheb we were stuggling to pay our mortgage after jobs were cut they were no help. When we got engaged they said congrats did nt even get a card from them. When i was pregenant i went to buy a new crib etc and they insisted they would sort it. They did. They gave us a 15yr old crib and mat they had in the loft. I took it because i didnt want to seem ungrateful i said id have to change the mattress because its not safe. They were offended. Made a fuss about me wanting everything my own way i said nope but its gathering dust for 15 yrs my brother died of cot death i wont take any chances. Everything i do is wrong. My Fiance never stands up for me. Its like they think im not good enough for him. He wasnt exactly great during my pregnancy he was out partying but we got through it. To them he needed to let off steam. I just feel so defeated with them all the time. Its affecting my head i dont feel good enough i dont want my child thinking shes not loved by them. She loves them when my fiancé brings her over but thats the only time she sees them. They don't baby sit or offer to spend time with her. I dont go over anymore because me and my other children feel very uncomfortable and out of place. They dont speak to us when hes out of the room. When we say it to him he just shrugs and says what is he suppose to do. I dont want a future like this. I can only imagine our wedding day wheb we get around to planning it that is. Help...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2020): You sound as if you believe that because you decided to have a relationship with their son - something that you and he agreed to - they must get very much involved too, whether they like you or not, whether they are busy or whether they can afford the help and money you expect. You seem to believe that because their son decided to have a relationship with you that means they must be as committed to you as he is, in some ways even more than he is. This also seems to include the two children you had before.
But your guy is the one who chose you and made a commitment to you. He is the one who should be making sure you can pay your bills and cover some luxuries like a babysitter. He is the one who should be helping out himself. He is the one who should be making you feel loved and secure. If he does not work he has plenty of time to, far more than them. Your mother does not work so what does she contribute? Ok she is disabled but she must be able to do something to help - if she wants to. She has a lot more time than them.
If you can visit your mother who lives a long way away why do you not also visit the in laws who live very near?
Let us be pragmatic about this. You want them to love you, care for you, protect you, give and be helpful. That means that as you would be the one gaining far more than them you should make far more effort.
People who have very well paid jobs do not usually mess around with trifles, they value their time more. I know loads of them. If their daughter is short of money and they have a good relationship they are far more likely to pay for a babysitter or nanny for her than do it themselves. They are better off doing what they are good at, something which pays far better, or having a rest in between work.
You had choices - you could have gone down the route of being a professional career orientated person, working hard and earning a lot yourself you chose not to.
Having a baby is not a career, you cannot expect to get pregnant, give birth and then everyone else gives and gives and gives.
I wonder why you choose to have children and why you choose to have them with the men you do. The first father is no longer around, why not. Does he contribute? The new guy does not seem very interested or mature. Perhaps it is time to rethink your future plans.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2020): Damn give the woman a break.
Look his parents are HIS parents. They have done their job and they dont have to help you out. I think you have a fantasy in your head of how its ment to be but everyone does things their own way. Go do you and stop trying so hard.
If your oh isnt close to them then why would you assume that would change with a grand child. They are prob set in their ways and you need to just chill.
Your kid will grow up and if they miss out then thats on them just love your kid and let him deal with his own family.
Also i dont wanna be cruel OP but maybe get a hobbie its not good to be fixated on things you cant change. If your stressing its gonna cause unnecessary stress in your relationship. Take a step back and focus on your own house and how you parent your kid together. That's all you can do.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 July 2020):
 I too have to agree with the other DearCupiders, IMO the problem is not your in-laws' behaviour; the problem is in your expectations. You have certain expectations and if they don't meet them, - this means that they must be wrong, mean , evil, etc. No ,it does not. It just means that they do not act according to your expectations, which they have no moral or legal or even psychological obligation to conform with.
Yes, of course it would be nice if they were the kind of doting grandparents which fuss a lot around their grandchild and want to see her all the time ( ... in which case, though, probably you would be complaining to Dear Cupid
" My in-laws live 5 minutes from us, they are here intruding all the time, expecting to see the children all the time whether it's convenient for me or not "). So these people are not particolarly warm or affectionate . Well, maybe that's just their personality, the way they are. Or, the relationship with their son is a bit strained, a bit distant. Or , they don't particularly like children , and are not good around children ( which does not mean they don't LOVE your kid; " love " and "like " are two different things ). Anyway, whatever the reason, these people are still not doing anything wrong, or anything that you have the right to complain about . They are two busy professionals, they probably work long hours, they ( as you say ) have money to spend on themselves for leisure - and they do that, as
they are fully entitled to do.
Bitching because they do not choose to use their free time to give you free babysitting is childish and entitled. You guys not only are the parents of this child and minding her is your own responsibility, but you are also the younger couple.. and those who are unemployed !, or less busy ; so, if you really care about your child bonding with the grandparents,- °you° work with their schedule, and °you° bring her over to their 5 minute distant place !
Yeah, maybe they are also a bit standoffish because they don't particularly like you a lot, this is possible... well, forgive me, but I can see why, what's there to like, from their point of view ?? You assume you can judge how they should spend their time and money, you expect freebies and loans and whatnot at the tender age of over 30, they give you a family heirloom, or at least a family memento, as a gift and rather than thanking them (.. and maybe regifting the crib if you just hate it ) , you throw a tantrum and make totally inappropriate crass and rude comments...
Not to mention that , we call them in-laws for brevity, but they are not. First you had a child then you got engaged, many parents still think this is the wrong way to proceed. And , sorry but it is what it is, I am not saying that they are right but... probably they are not exactly thrilled that their son choose as a partner someone with so much
"baggage" as you ( two kids ). Especially if when there are hard times, you are without jobs and without money - and THEY are supposed to help out this little ready -made family !, and being cursed behind their back for being cheapskates ! TBH, it's not a scenario that would beget a lot of warm ,loving feelings , and I think that , if you feel it is important for you personally, and for your third born, to have a closer, deeper relationship with them,- then it's you that have to work at that and limit your expectations, not the other way around. Frankly ; I think they are already doing a good enough job of being civil to you; not everybody would manage that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2020): I really thought id get good advice on here to see how to broach this subject with my inlaws but instead ive come across as a bitch. They have 8 to 6 jobs yes they are busy monday to friday and i wasnt taking that away from them i just ment that they have been over twice this year and both times was to collect their dog we minded for them. Actually yes they have cancelled many a time and just gone to the bar thats not exaggerated its a fact. My brother died and its been drilled into me crib saftey. I didnt say this to his parents i wouldnt be that rude. I said it to my fiance who relayed the message god knows what way. I told him i was going to get a new mattress and he told them and then told them why. Im not entitled in anyway i put myself through college worked and raised my kids on my own when their dad died so no i didnt just come along and look for someone to put a roof on our head and baby trap him. He was happy to have a baby i was the reluctant one. I love my children they mean everything to me and i just wanted his parents to be as involved as they said they would be. I feel very alone. I just wanted advice on bringing this up without an arugument now i just feel like garbage. My mom gets the bus to see me or i go to her and stay. Im sure if she lived across the road id see her more but she needs to be where she is. I feel like something changed with his parents. At first they were happy and supportive and then nothing. They dont even text my fiancé how he is he said its just their way and how its always been guess im just closer with my family. There is only so much i can say in this but its coming out bad. He thinks i wrote it bad too. Well i had to show him the responses because i wanted to speak to them and ask if ive done something wrong. He thinks theyd be like that whoever hes with and not to fret over it so much but i dunno it gets to me that its going on for so long it wasnt like this in the beginning they and the effort was on both sides. I have put in alot of effort too but when i drop by on my own its ultra awkward and very limited conversation. It was a case that we were the ones always going over just so they got to see their grandchild. My dads dead so she only has one grandad i just hoped theyd all be close. Weve tried our best too but its all very one sided and we work too. In my opinion contact should be 50/50 but maybe youre all right and my expectations are flawed and i need to just realise this is how it is and stop trying so hard. Thanks guys
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2020): I really thought id get good advice on here to see how to broach this subject with my inlaws but instead ive come across as a bitch. They have 8 to 6 jobs yes they are busy monday to friday and i wasnt taking that away from them i just ment that they have been over twice this year and both times was to collect their dog we minded for them. Actually yes they have cancelled many a time and just gone to the bar thats not exaggerated its a fact. My brother died and its been drilled into me crib saftey. I didnt say this to his parents i wouldnt be that rude. I said it to my fiance who relayed the message god knows what way. I told him i was going to get a new mattress and he told them and then told them why. Im not entitled in anyway i put myself through college worked and raised my kids on my own when their dad died so no i didnt just come along and look for someone to put a roof on our head and baby trap him. He was happy to have a baby i was the reluctant one. I love my children they mean everything to me and i just wanted his parents to be as involved as they said they would be. I feel very alone. I just wanted advice on bringing this up without an arugument now i just feel like garbage. My mom gets the bus to see me or i go to her and stay. Im sure if she lived across the road id see her more but she needs to be where she is. I feel like something changed with his parents. At first they were happy and supportive and then nothing. They dont even text my fiancé how he is he said its just their way and how its always been guess im just closer with my family. There is only so much i can say in this but its xoming out bad. He thinks i wrote it bad too. Well i had to show him the responses because i wanted to speak to them and ask if ive done something wrong. He thinks theyd be like that whoever hes with and not to fret over it so much but i dunno it gets to me that its going on for so long. Thanks guys
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 July 2020):
 I have to agree with Code Warrior.
You have unrealistic expectations of your in-laws. You sound entitled to something only THEY can choose to do or not do.
And it also sounds like you don't really like them, so it might also be that they aren't to involved because they sense that or they aren't the biggest fan of YOU.
The whole baby crib/bed? Wow, HOW hard would it have been to just say... thank you! And then go out and buy a new mattress. Or even BUY a crib/bed YOU liked better.
They gave you a family crib "heirloom" so to speak, and you instantly made the gift seem like it was poisoned. You get a gift and you reject it and bring up the death of your brother, and then DO NOT seem to understand why they were upset and why they don't pop in more often?
You came off as ungrateful.
You are in your 30's and expect them to come swoop in and help YOUR finances? They EXPECT the two of you to be FULLY grown up and take care of yourselves! Which is absolutely valid!
Lastly, DO you really WANT to spend time with them? Want them to see the grandkid(s)? Then CALL them. Invite them! You have SET your kids up for a failure with their grandparents. And your husband? He is is helping either.
You GET back, what you put out there. You have put negativity out towards the inlaws and they CHOSE to not be around you. When they HAVE to be around you they kind of don't want to interact with you and again, you wonder WHY?
I have a couple of nieces with kids. I DON'T offer to watch them, EVER. I do say yes from time to time if needed and I enjoy having them over. But the niece who would tell ANYONE who would listen how horrible and selfish I must be, because I don't call and have her kids over - but guess what?! The kids are not mine! They are NOT my responsibility. AT ALL. I have my own kids (who are all over 16 now) THEY are my responsibility. Which I have taken seriously since I found out I was pregnant with each of them. SHE (and her kids) are NOT entitled to my time.
You might need to get your head out of your ass and look a little harder at your own actions and words here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2020): [EDIT]: Typo and punctuation corrections.
"Family-issues and their secrets are in the "don't-go-there" zone!"
"Timing is always a questionable-factor, when things happen out of sequence."
"Baby first, then marriage...it's usually the other-way around."
*This is not uncommon, but it's a big-deal to judgmental or suspicious-people uncertain of your motives and intentions.
"Otherwise, I hope he treats all the kids like his own; and will see that he takes good care of his ready-made family."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2020): You have to understand the concept of empty-nesters. Their children are adults, they no-longer have financial-responsibility for them. Help is given out of the goodness of their hearts, it's not obligatory. Some people aren't all that enthused about being grandparents; and some are even less enthused about their sons marrying women who already have children. You had another child with their son before you married him. Leaving the question, why couldn't you wait...or is the child your way of trapping their son? If they are conservative and snooty; they just might be snubbing you a bit. They can go wherever they like, whenever they like, and spend their money anyway they wish. That you have nothing to say about. To show your contempt, or any objection to that; will only make them dislike you all the more. Another strike against you is, if you're older than their son. There is a double-standard, and I didn't create it. It is what it is!
Does the biological-father of your other two children pay you child-support? If not, why would you expect anything from your fiance's parents?
You also mentioned that his parents didn't care about him; but his grandparents were more a part of his life. That explains a lot. You'd do yourself a big favor not to pick at the skeleton's in your fiance's closet. Family-issues and secrets are in the "don't-go-there" zone ! Pretend to know nothing, and keep your opinions to yourself.
If you expect them to help you financially, that sends the wrong message. When they offered, they may have been testing you. You'll cause them to suspect that you may be marrying into the family for financial-security; and see their son as your meal-ticket. I am offering hypothetical-examples here; I am not accusing you of any of this. A ready-made family for a man who isn't financially-stable at the start; assures there will be a struggle financially for awhile, and some time to follow. It's his choice, and his parents have no dog in that hunt!
The way they treat your baby is heartbreaking. I know you want to be accepted, and you want your future in-laws to make you feel welcomed as a part of their family. I think you should listen to your fiance. They're just not cozy people. Maybe they don't show you any affection; because they're not the warm and fuzzy kind of people who dote over their grandchildren; or bring pies and cakes on Sunday-visits. The baby might have been welcomed, if she came along after you were married. Timing is always is a questionable factor, when things happen out of sequence. Baby first, them marriage...it's usually the other-way around. You have two already...three kids from the starting-gate. Only one is their biological-grandchild, so how do they show fairness towards the other two? That's awkward.
Are you seeking their approval, or demanding it?
Perhaps they don't want their son to marry someone already with two kids; and they're hoping you get the hint that they're not all that fired-up about you becoming a part of their family. It's a harsh reality to be considered. I'd take note of the fact that your fiance doesn't stand-up for you; or give you any reassurance. That's a husband's duty. You stand by him, and he stands by you. If his family mistreats you, it's his responsibility to see you're treated with respect and kindness; provided you are extending the same to them.
I'd evaluate this whole situation; and decide if I really want to raise my kids with a guy who doesn't stand-up for me, or have in-laws who treat me like an outsider trying to intrude on their family. Otherwise, I hopes he treats all the kids like his own, and will see that he takes good care of his ready-made family. That's not easy in today's economy. His parents have no obligation to help-out; it's a matter of generosity on their part. No more, no less!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2020): Why not look at this from the parents' point of view instead of yours? Supposing you were twenty or so years older, and had worked very hard all of your life, you were busy, you had your own problems, you had already brought kids into the world and made various sacrifices for them and then your son says hey I am with this woman and we are having a child. Would you feel elated and want to help or just want to visit or stay away? If you did want to help how would you find the time if already working full time? That choice is theirs not yours.
You forget that if they are professionals with very good incomes they would be more likely to pay babysitters etc because they do it better and it is their job. One of the reasons people study and apply themselves to work is so that they can get rewards, better finances mean better lifestyle. They sacrifice time so that they can have better food, clothes, holidays, car. They make those sacrifices for their own benefit not yours. When they decided to do that and made those sacrifices they did not even know you existed, they had never met you, you were not part of their lives. You could have also done the same and instead of having a baby you could have got a proper profession and worked long hours to buy the things you want.
You want a lot from them but what do you do for them? Do you ever bake them some delicious home made cakes? You clearly have more spare time than they do, if you can make long journeys to your mother. Sometimes you have to give before you receive. Giving birth to a baby does not somehow entitle you to attention, love, consideration, time or help.
Years ago I had to decide whether or not to have children. A sensible person makes a decision about it. It is easy, there are so many options to make sure you do not get pregnant if it is going to be difficult or impossible or in some way worse for you if you have one.
You chose to have a child. It was your choice not theirs. If you got pregnant by accident more fool you, you cannot expect others to come along and babysit and give you money because you were silly enough to let that happen. You could have had an abortion or had the baby adopted you also chose not to do that. There are two of you. Two young fit capable adults, why do you need help from others? Both of you are able to take care of this baby in practical and financial terms.
You also decide when you get pregnant and who with. Yet you chose a guy who you say let you down and partied all the time when you needed him. You seem to make a lot of errors of judgment and find fault in everyone around you. why did you choose to get pregnant by such an immature guy?
Surely one of the most sensible things to do when considering settling down with a guy is looking at your finances and working out if you can afford that lifestyle?
I know a woman who is totally single with a baby, she struggles with money, so she works, she works hard. She does five part time jobs. She never expects her mother to go without so that she can do less to make her life better. Most weeks she works seven days a week, often in the evening, shes never complains.
You go to visit your mother - a long way, if you can do that then you can go to visit them, just five minutes away. IF I knew my daughter in law travelled a long way to see her mother but could not be bothered to come just around the corner to see me that would hurt and I would lose interest in her. If you can afford the petrol to travel a long way to visit your mum regularly you can afford babysitters. If your mum is capable of living alone, despite being disabled (we both know there are severe or mild forms of disability and people who live alone have a mild form) then she could babysit for you. You could take the baby to stay for a while and collect her a few days later. Lots of mums cannot afford babysitters. So they stay in. If they cannot afford babysitters they also cannot afford to go out. You cannot expect to palm off your baby on others when it gets boring to be a mum or stay in. Your guy could take care of his child while you go out without him and you can pay a babysitter when you go out together. You are an adult with a lot of responsibility, responsibility you chose, not a party girl.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2020): I am at the other end . I also raised children , four of them with no or very very little help from my parents and zero from in-laws . I was also a single parent for much of it . I could count the number of times I had help on my hands in the entire time and those were usually only a few hours here or there . Now my own kids are grown and have their own families I babysit quite a lot . Basically I have had no time to be just me ever since becoming an adult and it’s hard sometimes to negatiate that line without letting my kids down the way I feel let down . I also love my kids and grandchildren very much and want a close relationship but I understand that I need to set my own boundaries
The basics here is that they are selfish and set in their ways just like my parents were and being angry will only hurt you . Be self sufficient and also bite your pride . So for example ASK them to babysit .tell them when the kids want to stay over . All they can do is say know . You get to influence this situation instead of feeling like a victim . All it takes is a preparedness to stop complaining and speak up . Sure they can still say no , then you have every right to tell them that they said they would help . Tell THEM directly that this is not doing what they said and you feel unsupported and that you would appreciated some support . They don’t owe you anything at all but you can ask
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (15 July 2020):
 It sounds like your inlaws have their own lives and are living them. They both have demanding jobs so perhaps they are tired and when they are off they just wish to relax. There honestly isn't much you can do, I mean you can't force them to spend time with the grandchildren if they don't want to. I'm sure they love the kids. Some people figure they raised their family and now they want to live and be free.
My ex husband's parents were this way. My husband was the baby of the family, didn't marry till he was 33, and they were sooo excited when him and I married. His parents both worked full time into their 70's and when they were not working, they were travelling. They were NOT the "lets babysit our grandchildren" parents. Getting them to commit to anything was really difficult and I just gave up trying. I accepted them for who they were. It was difficult for me because my family was so different and always wanted to see the children, take them for weekends, etc. Sadly my parents lived 2000 miles away so my husband's family was all that we had.
After my father in law died, we moved next door to my mother in law because the house came open and we thought she might like the company. Guess what she did? Got a full time job as a school crossing guard, got a new boyfriend and in 6 months got remarried. She never was the sweet little grandmother who babysat. She was a very sweet lady though.
Everyone's family is different. You can't put expectations on others and expect that they will always be what you need or want them to be. Hopefully your husband can make them come around to spending time with the kids. If not, its their loss. Been there, done that.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (15 July 2020):
 All families are different and it sounds like you are closer to your family than your husband is to his. Also it is not unusual for mothers to help daughters out more than sons, as they usually accept/expect the female in the relationship to get help from her family.
It sounds like your fiance's parents are happy leading their own lives. Assuming they both still work full time, they both have demanding jobs and will probably value their free time. Perhaps they feel they have done their parenting and it is now the turn of their son and you to step up and do the same? I can understand you hoping they would be move involved, but your children are not their responsibility. Neither is your mortgage.
I think you have to accept them for what they are and get on with your lives, just as they are with theirs. You can't make people behave as you would like them to.
Let your fiance take your daughter to see them. Hopefully, with time, they will build some sort of a bond with her. If not, then that is their loss. As long as your children and a mother and father who love them, they will be ok.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2020): You sound selfish. Kids are the parents and step parents responsibility, not the grandparents responsibility.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2020): You can't change other people. You may feel as if they should do more to help you and yours or fulfill their promises. But they don't help out more and they don't do as you'd like.
Absolutely nothing you can do about this, except make it worse by going on and on about it.
My grand parents were never around, I barely knew them, there was no way they could have loved me. I'm nearly 60 now and this is the first time I've ever even thought about it. You can make it important to your children by going on about it, or you can just get on with your life and cope with your in laws when and if you see them.
Your fiancee is probably feeling the strain of you going on about his parents all the time and my guess is that he would be eternally grateful if you stopped moaning about it. They are what they are. How on earth do you expect anybody to be able to change them? Some things in life you just have to accept. I bet you wouldn't like it if someone tried to change you.
Get involved in your own and your partner's and your children's lives. Stop looking at your in laws and wondering why they are not doing what you'd like them to do. Waste of time. There are no laws saying that grandparents have to help their children when they have a family.
Take responsibility for your own life and your own happiness and don't expect others to dance to your tune.
When you get married, invite them, smile and move on and mingle afterwards. No need for problems, no need for drama. They have made it plain that they are not really interested in becoming involved with their son's family and that is up to them. You can bang your head against a brick wall trying to make others behave in a certain way, or you can make yourself and your future husband very happy, by not concentrating on the negatives and go out and enjoy your life!
I thought your post was going to be about how you couldn't get rid of them. At least that's not the case. This is much easier to deal with.
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