A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I’ve been sort of seeing this guy and his straight well bi but in denial And everytime we get in the deep at the end he says it’s wrong and it shouldn’t happen. His single but had loads of girlfriends. We have great chemistry and both just want a casual thing but sometimes it’s frustrating cause he changes his mind so often Should I be patient cause we have good chemistry or should I leave it and move on
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2020): Whether this guy is straight or bi or gay really does not matter. The main thing is that you want something serious and committed and he wants to play the field and try out different things and different people, flitting about as suits him. As you want him to change and see it your way it cannot work.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2020): Inner-conflict is often a sign that he has a preference for females; and it could also mean he may never be comfortable in a committed-relationship with a man. He may only want sex now and then; but relationships with another guy will be shaky, or they will always fail.
You will have to judge this on your own. Telling you to be patient could be a major exercise in futility; or in the very...very...very long-run, persistence might prove fruitful. It depends on you, and the extent of your patience. It might not be healthy for him, to pressure him.
There are some very important facts that gay-men often overlook; in their relentless and desperate-attempt to bring someone "out of the closet." You have no right to shove or yank anybody out!!! They'll come-out if and when they are good and ready!!! Nobody should be forced!
There may be a temporary or perceived sexual-chemistry; but a sexually-ambivalent male, conflicted about his sexual-orientation; is still capable of shutting-off and suppressing his attraction towards men. Some men go too far in their gay-curiosity; and decide they no longer wish to continue with their "sexual-experimentation." Some go into depression; and some wind-up in therapy. Not everyone who has had gay-sex continues to submit to their homosexual-tendencies. Hard for affirmed-homosexuals to grasp or to believe. Forgetting that you can't be forced to like sex with women; if you don't really have an attraction to them. You can't force someone who prefers women; to go 100% all man-on-man. He may never be truly comfortable with it.
I strongly suggest that you guard your heart, pace your feelings, and not pressure him into having a full-on relationship. I would further urge you to back-off.
He may be fighting with his stronger religious-convictions (don't go there!), or he may never have intended to take things as far as they have come. If you are a willful and persuasive person; you may be pushing him further than he can take it, without causing him emotional-trauma. If you're his first and only, that's what you may be up against at the present.
It might be better to find someone more certain of their sexual-orientation. If you had to write for advice, things aren't going the way you want them to; and you're getting frustrated. Love isn't love unless it comes willingly. It's not love at all; if you have to manipulate someone, or hold them as an emotional-hostage.
Good rule of thumb. Don't force anyone to do anything they feel guilty about doing; or you can see signs of stress. I hope you're both in the same age-group. If he's not yet in his 20's...STOP! Go no further! He'll come-over when he's ready.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (15 July 2020):
 Depends how badly you want to get hurt, I guess. When someone says things like "it shouldn't happen" and "it's wrong", then you need to listen and consider the implications. It is not up to you to decide for him whether he is in denial or not.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 July 2020):
 I think you should leave him be so he can figure out what he REALLY wants.
If he is bi, he might still prefer women. He might think he SHOULD prefer women. He might just enjoy something WAY more casual with BOTH men and women, whereas YOU are ready and able to having a actual serious relationship. Even though you say you want something casual... That is not what you actually want (or at least that is how it seems to me).
While there are thing about him you would like in a partner, someone who is in denial or unsure IS not someone who is ready for anything serious.
If he is unsure about being with you, then he isn't AS into you as you would like. You know the saying, " you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink."
Same with this guy. You can offer "something casual" but if he isn't REALLY wanting that it's JUST NOT going to happen.
WHY not find a guy who KNOWS what and who he wants? Even if you just want a "casual" thing?
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (15 July 2020):
 I don't think that this guy knows where he is at the moment. You start off by calling his straight, then bi but in denial.
He is obviously confused and is dipping his toe in the water seeing how he feels by being with a guy. He has had lots of girlfriends so this experience is new to him.
You obviously like each other, but I would not have high expectations of having a long term relationship with him because I feel he could go either way.
You both have good chemistry, so just keep doing what you are doing and see what happens.
If you get to a stage where you really want more commitment and he is still changing his mind all the time, you may have to resign yourself to the fact that he is never going to change, so moving on might be the best option.
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