| A
female
,
*eenthere
writes: My relationship is in serious need of repair but I just can't seem to find any way of beginning. My partner is more attracted to the computer than me. I am full time mum and housewife. My partner behaves like a teenager, believes he shouldn't have anything to do with kids or housework because he goes to work and seems to forget he's in a relationship and has children. Is there any way of getting his attention so our relationship can be as good as it was before he replaced me with a computer? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, beenthere +, writes (31 March 2006):
beenthere is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I've told him again that I feel he replaced me with the computer and that I feel rejected with that and with him going out all the time. He doesn't seem to have taken any notice. He still doesn't see why he should do anything in the house because he goes to work. He only works 30 hours a week as it is. So even if you don't count the hours that the kids are in bed, I'm still working more hours than him looking after the house and the kids! He has had two days off this week. Tomorrow he will be working from 4pm to 9pm. Now, I don't know about anyone else but I don't think that's really a big deal. He usually goes straight to the pub after that shift although he says he'll come straight home tomorrow. I don't think he really gets the point of what is actually the problem. Like he'll borrow money of his mum to go out but he thinks that's ok because he pays it back. He can't understand that that is not the point at all. The point is that he is out every night, that if he's got no money to go out, when other people would just stay in, he has to borrow money so he can still go, and that whatever money he is spendin/borrowing to go the pub, is money that could and should be put towards the bills.
A
female
reader, beenthere +, writes (31 January 2006):
beenthere is verified as being by the original poster of the questionour family wasn't really planned but i had a child already and my partner was willing to be a family with us. i have given him every chance to be as involved as he wants to be. he has started trying but he only wants to do "man" things. for example. i'm really good at diy and he's good at cleaning but it seems that he thinks we should stick to traditional roles even though we'd be better with the opposite! however, he will cook. he had a week and a half off work and made dinner most nights but, despite saying he would help me get the house tidied while he was off, he just complains that it's a tip and keeps saying we'll do things tomorrow! obviously, he thinks that tidying a large 3 bedroom house when you have 2 children will only take a day and will only need doing once!
...............................
A
female
reader, beenthere +, writes (31 January 2006):
beenthere is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey. just a quick update. i think, although i am not sure, that my partner has finally realised there are problems and that he needs to do something. he seems to be making an effort to improve the relationship. he still goes straight to the computer at every opportunity but he is doing little things to suggest that he wants things to work out. we have a lot of things to work on and, of course, i don't expect a man to do more than one thing at a time!
...............................
A
female
reader, caffeinequeen +, writes (4 November 2005):
I would say: throw the computer out of the window! But that's just a joke!
I have a friend who divorced her husband because of the same problem you are facing.She said that the computer was his mistress! The worse thing was that he taught his son the same dependency, to the point where the 2 guys would want to cut their vacation short so that they could go home and play on the computer!
Anyway, back to you:first of all, do you know for a fact if your husband really is into family life? Was having a family a decision on both of your parts, or a happy accident? Do you, unknowingly, take on the role of Super Mom by not letting your husband being involved in raising the kids? Do you make yourself heard around the house by stating what you need and want him to do? For example, do you say: I need you to help me with the kids, the washing,etc etc...Or are you so scared of confrontation that you do all the work grumbling that it's not fair that you have that much to take care of?
You have to tell your husband about the way you feel and, as suggested by someone else, let him experience what your typical day is like.
Try to find out why he is not getting involved: he doesn't care, he is not interested in the hard work of being part of a family,he doesn't realize what you are going through,he thinks " woman work " is not important,he is too tired/depressed...etc,etc...Then, see if he has any desire to change.
Is he able to change his ways only for a short period of time after which he goes back to the computer? Is he aware of what he would lose if he lost you? Maybe he is just too comfortable and needs a little wake up call? Maybe he hasn't checked the calendar and has missed the fact we are in 2005! He is still acting like we are in the 50s.Good luck to you!
...............................
A
female
reader, cherry46 +, writes (3 November 2005):
Unfortunately many think the same until the role is reversed, then the saying is, I COULD NOT DO THIS JOB FOR ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD, its 24/7 all year on call.....No days off, no sick days and certainly no PDS
Ask your partner to do your job just for a day, maybe once a month if your lucky, especially if he thinks its good, the fad ware's thin when he realises that he is taken for granted as you where. Forget the mobile and go shopping, do something you would love to do without worrying about the family or visit a mate, try not to let him have a easy contact hopefully he is brave enough.
If all eles fails, get a job that pays, preferably around when he has to look after the family and when he has to do things for himself. The housewife shift 5-10pm.
Hope you can talk to him, tell him how you feel, if he is not interested, it may be time to consider how you would be happier elsewhere. Goodluck
...............................
A
female
reader, katekooeee +, writes (2 November 2005):
Your obviously in a really difficult situation for you. The first step is to let him know how you feel, this can be really difficult if you feel he is not communicating with you properly. It may be easier to send him an email, try to take a couple of days to think about the content and try not to make it about blame but more about the way you feel, you cuold even make suggestions as to how you can move on from here. If you are feeling neglected, the chances are, so will your children, it may be worth pointing this out to him..
It may be worth organising some time out just for you, this way he may have time to think about spending time with the children and the amount of responsibilty you have.
If you are meeting all of his needs- dinner, washing, ironig etc.. try to cut down a little and let him know that you cannot do everything.
Good luck !
...............................
|
