A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:my partner and i have a very active sex life, we have been together 14 years, we still have sex 3-4 times a week, however he goes through phases, of having sex whilst im sleepin, my partner is quite a dominate man, and ive let him be, when i start getting independant, this "sleep sex" starts, in the last ten days, he has woken me up approx 20 times, he knows i dont like it, he says he doesnt remember starting it, but hes awake by the time hes on top and hes woke me up. he doesnt think its a problem and i have told him i dislike it. im shattered, im missing days off work because of the tiredness, he thinks its amusing, help,
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (25 March 2010):
 leave him
A
female
reader, Myrtis +, writes (22 August 2009):
 Auntie Myrtis has all the answers.....
Hon, this man is a control freak as evidenced by the fact that this happens when he is feeling insecure about himself. If you liked it, well, fine. But you don't like it and he is not respecting your wishes. He is raping you! Now why would you want to put up with this? Obviously because you are afraid of his anger. So he is subjugating you. He's also making it impossible for you to give your best at work, which could cause you and maybe him problems down the road. Ever heard of a RECESSION? Ever thought YOU MIGHT BE THE ONE AT YOUR FIRM LAID OFF if times get tough? You need to think about yourself here. Stop believing him when he says he doesn't know he's doing it. He knows, all right. A guy doesn't have that many wet dreams lying on top of a real person in bed beside him! He's doing it, you're accepting his lame excuse, and you're suffering. You know what to do when a man makes you suffer? Get rid of him. Uh huh, so you can think of all kinds of "reasons" to keep him around, like he's the father of your kids or you need his paycheck or something. Well, you can live without him. And his controlling. And your tiredness. Does being alone scare you? Okay, so admit it. Then figure out why being alone scares you more than being raped in the middle of the night by a self-serving lying animal. After you have thought it through, alone doesn't seem quite as bad, now does it dearie? Check the want ads, find yourself a new place to live, and go buy some nice new clothes so you can go out with your girlfriends. Once you feel good about yourself again, you'll find someone else who might even treat you nice. As for the jerk, he's going to be giving the same story to some other idiot woman who will put up with him. It doesn't have to be YOU!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): i did have the discussion, there are disorders that this happens and that we could go to a sleep clinic together, he got very aggressive, about it.
his violent is not severe, but he is really aggressive, sometimes he does flip, its the emotional stuff, i cant handle, and its worn me down. I think i already know that i need to leave him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): yes he has been violent in the past not physically for 3 years, however he does emotionally blackmail me and put me down
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (20 August 2009):
 Leave him, no-one deserves to be raped in their sleep. Has he been violent or verbally abusive towards you during the 14 years you guys have been together? You do not state what your overall relationship is like and need more info about your relationship.
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A
female
reader, jstdunno +, writes (19 August 2009):
He is basically raping you as punishment when you get too 'independant'
Please don't allow this man to do this to you. This is wrong and he is an insecure controllong jackass.
I hope you haven't been putting up with this for 14 years because you deserve better and there are good men out there , don't wait your life on this nasty man.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): Put a sleeping pill in his cup of tea or hot chocolate before he goes to bed, that should see him sleep right through the night.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 August 2009):
 Sleep in separate rooms til he stops. Even if you are a couple it is still not consensual sex when one party ISN'T even awake. It is jsut wrong and disrespectful.
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A
female
reader, Honest_Answers +, writes (19 August 2009):
 This is a serious problem. What he is doing constitutes rape. It sounds like he's controlling you too much. You say when you get 'independent' he starts doing it again; what do you mean by this? By him doing this is he stopping you being yourself? It seems he is even jeopardising your career. Is he physically or verbally aggressive also or does he see what he's doing as 'not that serious'? Please think through whether this relationship is worth staying in if it is damaging your mental or physical health.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (19 August 2009):
 Technically it is rape - you haven't consented to it. If you continue to allow this to happen against your wishes then it will continue as he isn't respecting you or your body. Being sexually active with a partner is one matter, but sex while you sleep is just plain worrying! It is difficult to tell from your post if he does this out of sexual urge (although if he is having sex regularly then perhaps not), or because it is his way of controlling you. If you are exhausted all the time then you cannot be so independent. I suggest you start sleeping in another room from him if he cannot respect you, and give serious consideration to the power imbalance in this relationship - you write he is 'dominant', I read 'controlling' and there is a difference. The alternative solution to a good night of rest is to wear a chastity belt to bed!
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A
male
reader, Perspicacious +, writes (19 August 2009):
This sounds like very selfish behaviour on the part of your partner, and I find it hard to believe that it happens with such regularity without him being aware of it! Actually, I would find it hard to believe it could happen at all without him being aware of it, but let's give him the benefit of doubt slightly.
If he is refusing to admit that this is causing you problems then you need to demonstrate how seriously you are taking it.
I would suggest 'playing along' with his "but I don't know I'm doing it" line by discussing the issue with him from the point of view that it sounds like he is suffering from a sleep disorder. Therefore if the problem continues you will make an appointment so you can go together and discuss it with his doctor. Further, sadly, you will have to consider sleeping in the spare room so you can get a good nights rest until he is cured.
It could be that he really is suffering from a sleep disorder, in which case he will get the help needed to cure this problem. But I suspect you could find the prospect of having to discuss "his problem" with someone is all the encouragement needed to ensure that he stops this behaviour.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (19 August 2009):
 Hes a jerk stop sleeping in the same room with him maybe that will send him the message. there have been post like this before its really messed up to do that to a woman.
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