A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:whos in the wrong?my boyf and i have been together for a year and a half. before i got pregnant he wouldn't look at porn, now im 9 months pregnant he looks at it all the time.. and i can understand why.. i look terrible.but i have told him when i was 4-5 months that if he wants to watch it, to be outright and tell me but he told me 'Its for losers who can't get any" and i even suggested we watch it together! but he was quite adament he didn't want to watch any porn and i felt even happier to be honest. so now i find out he has it all through his phone which has made me angry.. he doesn't want to admit it, doesn't want to watch it with me and it makes sense because when we have sex he doesnt make eye contact, doesn't talk to me or kiss me and its just like he's trying to finish himself off and its usually over within 5 to 10 minutes. I am so sick of it because he could be truthful im not a monster.. or he could keep to his word and not look at it. but when hes saying one thing and doing another it drives me insane. theres no point talking to him as he will keep doing it. am i in the wrong for getting angry because hes a liar? i feel like im being cheated on in a way2 hours ago - 4 days left to answer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): I know exactly where you are coming from! I am 14 weeks pregnant and I found out my boyfriend has been watching porn on his phone when he isnt home. Earlier in our relationship we would watch it together and there was no problem. It wasnt a problem becasue we would watch it with one another and we were open. Now that I am pregnant and I find out that he is watching it, it hurt my feelings. This is our first child and it just made me think alot of negative things. He isn't attracted to me anymore, my body is changing and he thinks i'm ugly, he wants to be with other women. So many things go through my mind that it was eating me alive. I knew that I had to comfront him about it because i was stressing my self out and that wasnt good for the baby. I brought it to his attention and his reaction wasnt really the one I was wanting but at the same time it wasnt horrible either. He told me that he watched it because when he was at work and horny, he missed me and couldnt wait to get home to me and make love. I wanted and still want to believe him but it is very hard because he still watches it more and more. I dont know what to do, so i kind of ignor it and try to watch it with him!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): You have every right to be upset.
It's not the fact that he likes porn that's wrong, as people are saying, most guys do, but the thing that gets me is how many girls let their partner walk all over them and treat them so disrespectfully by saying 'it's just a guy thing' or 'all guys do it'.
Don't make excuses for them. I realise men and women are very different when it comes to sexuality but we all make concious decisions and need to take responsibility for the consequences.
If he chooses to watch porn, despite it being a natural and common urge, he is still doing wrong as far as I'm concerned because he's choosing to do so knowing how it makes you feel. It's all about priorities. Is he willing to put his sexual desires before your emotional well being at a time when you need love, support and stability more than ever? Maybe he is but then he's not worth your tears.
I made it clear to my partner from word go how I felt about certain issues and we haven't had any issues along those lines..
The truth hurts and good guys are few and far between. We all have sexual urges, women included and while men may be different that's not a licence to act like an arsehole and hurt someones feelings.
In my opinion you'd probably still be hurt that he was doing it, even if he was honest about it.. it's natural to feel that way but the deception does make it a lot worse and what you need to explain to him is that the porn's only one issue here. Relationships can't survive without honesty on both sides and if he's showing you he can't be honest about this how can you trust him about other things.
Trust and love needs to be earnt, it's not a given right and if he can't respect you enough to be honest with you and not put you and your baby through the emotional stress that you obviously could do without then be prepared to walk or at least give him an ultimatum and be prepared to follow through because you deserve better. If not with the porn at least with the honesty.
You teach people how to treat you and if he thinks it's ok to lie to you about this and go behind your back with no regard for your feelings it's a pretty big warning sign. You don't want to teach him early on that you're a door mat and will be there regardless of how he treats you. Be willing to show a bit of respect for yourself and tell him you deserve better and so does his baby. If he really loves you he'll step up, if not, do yourself a favour and believe that you do deserve better and find it.
Better to be alone and happy than have the stress of a disrespectful, deceptive boyfriend to bring you down.
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A
female
reader, soon2bmommy008  +, writes (12 November 2010):
Hi there!
The same thing is happening to me... or happend to me yesterday. Throughout my pregnancy I have been telling my boyfriend that "We are in our early twenties, you arent used to this lifestyle... if you need some eye candy please tell me and I will understand". He, however; kept telling me Im sexy, he likes the way my body is more curby with the pregnancy and he doent need any other woman. Reluctantly, I told him I believed him. It was our anniversary a few days ago and he was in such a depressed mood. He told me he was going to propose but he needs to wait until his next pay cheque (which is today). I felt happier than I ever been. Ive been having some complications with this pregnancy as its my first, Im a tiny woman (very tiny) and with two months to go the docotr is guessing the baby could be anywhere from 10-12 lbs when ready to join the world. Severe bladder infections, nasty stretch marks on my stomache, bed ridden with sciatica... everthing possible. I was rushed to the hospital with excruciating pain in my back earlier this week and Im still feeling like crap. Yesterday I went on MY computer and saw some porn in the history listed. It wasnt just porn, it was disturbing stuff and when I asked him about why there is porn on my computer he said he didnt know. We live together, and literally an hour later he sends me a facebook message saying "sorry, I will make it up to by giving you a massage" like.. I really want him touching my body? lol. I just feel so depressed right now... in the same week I get rushed to the hospital, and the day before he proposes to me he watched this stuff on MY COMPUTER!?!?! Oh and he watched it when I went to have a soak in the tub...after I had a bad session of false contractions.
Lovely....
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A
female
reader, italianswthrt  +, writes (25 August 2009):
I am so sorry!
I just had a baby in april and I was upfront wt my bf about it as well I said if u ever want to watch it just let me kno and we can figure something out.he always said no way! All I need is you.
Well I was on my computer and I looked n the history and he's been looking at it since 4 weeks after the baby came. I just found out last friday and confronted him. After he lied about doing it he then said sorry n he wouldn't do it ne more. Well he's blocked off my comp now.
I have neverfelt so low an so ugly an just like I was cheated on. I'm still trying to figure out how to make this work out, I'm worried that I won't be able to trust him and I can't get my brain to stop thinking of him lookin at all these other girls.and thinking I'm not all he needs.
Well I'm just letting you kno ur not alone. And I hope he says he won't do it ne more and u can overcome this better than iv been doing.
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A
female
reader, Leighann_ox  +, writes (19 August 2009):
I agree partially with RAINORFIRE's post. Men do watch porn, it's not because they don't find women attractive, they need visual stimuli to get off, it's something that women just need to accept.
The issue here is that he's lied about it. My other half is completely honest with me about his porn usage, and I respect it completely because it's a 'man thing.'
Remember that porn is his fantasy, but you're his reality, if he felt like he wanted to pursue the typical porn star type of woman, he'd be out there after her. It's just a fantasy.
Just tell your boyfriend that you would prefer him to be completely honest about it, instead of doing it behind your back because you feel betrayed, but don't expect him to go 'Oh yeah I watched some good old lesbian stuff today and it right got me off.' - There's privacy here that needs to be respected.
Aswell as this, he's refusing to have any physical contact with you. This has left you feeling replaced by the porn. Explain to him how it's become a problem in your relationship but don't yell at him, that will only cause more problems between the two of you.
The best thing to do is just sit down and talk about it, don't argue with him and don't get angry, because he'll just turn into an emotional brick wall and you won't be able to get through to him no matter how hard you try.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): Hi there,
I'm going to be honest with you all men watch porn at some point. I've had two serious relationships since I was 18 I'm 30 now and both boyfriends watched porn. The first was open about it but my last boyfriend had a habbit of hidding it around the house and saying thats not mine or its been therefore years when I found it. I became so obsessed I used to check videos every day to see if he had been watching them and scroll temporary internet files for hours. Its just fantasy to them believe me I left my boyfriend as I was so sick of feeling insecure and he has begged me to go back for months. Porn cannot beat being in love or being cuddled or in your case the beautiful baby your going to have. I think some men hide watching it as there embarrased, don't see it as a reflection on yourself. Concentrate on yourself and your little one once there here you won't care what he's watching, honestly the being angry and upset just fades to nothing.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (19 August 2009):
There may be no fix for this i would suggest getting off his back about it im not trying to sound as if im siding with him but you cant make him change. you will wear your self out trying and worrying for your babies sake.
You dont look terrible you look natural and beautiful the way pregnant women should
let your bfs porn problems be his problem not yours you will have something more important and amazing to tend to soon.
Also your bf needs his personal space hes a grown man he shouldnt have to report to you his porn watching habits how would you like it if he where to tell you to tell him everytime you masturbate. pregnancies can make guys do weird things i doubt the porn is the reason your sex life is suffering, he probably doesnt like doing you while your pregnant not because of how you look but think about it like this its not just you and him doing it, its you him and a baby.
you can talk to him about the lackluster love making session but leave the porn topic alone.
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