A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts and Uncles, I've posted here before and found the advice really helpful. I'm in a distressing stressful family situation. My partner of 6 years is verbally abusive and my two daughters (19 and 22) constantly disregard my rules. My daughters are lovely girls and I brought them up alone (my partner is not their dad and he doesn't live with us) but they seem to be constantly maniupulative with no respect for any boundaries that I set. I am not well at the moment and not working so on a reduced income temporarily and I have asked them to go bed at a reasonable time so that I can keep normal hours. I asked if people can be quiet/asleep etc by midnight at the latest (our house is small and noise carries). I also asked them to not leave the tv and lamps etc on all night (they fall asleep and forget) as I am trying to save money but they seem to just disregard this and carry on as they please. My younger daughter refused to tidy her bedroom and is only interested in her dog and I have to nag her to go to school. Her teachers phone and complain about her not doing her work on time. I brought them up really well and I am a professional person myself so I cannot understand this behaviour. My older daughter is going out with a guy who doesn't work and seems to take money off her all the time (she is at university and works part time also).Then the other thing is my partner. I always knew he could be 'a bit stroppy' but he has got more and more disresectful over the years. He has called me a 'fat bitch' (i'm about a size 14/16 5ft 8 and i look after myself very well and maintain my hair, skin teeth etc and i do exercise regularly and am trying to reduce a couple of dress sizes- my main problem area is i have some extra weight on my stomach and a bit on my thighs but overall people tell me i still look good). When he argue he will call me a 'thick bitch' (he spoke about his wife like this also, ex wife). He is critical of everyone and everything and has started making racist comments too (he is a policeman so i'm not sure if he picks this stuff up at work or if it is his actual personality).I feel like i am constantly arguing and it's making me feel stressed and ill. My partner can be loving and so on and I actually love the good side of him but I feel as though I should try and find someone more calm and loving. Am I being unreasonable about my daughters does anything think? My older daughter and my partner have both said that i will 'end up alone' because i will push people away. This is very very upsetting because I have loved my daughters and supported them their whole life and I always make them welcome and cook for them etc and support them with school college etc . and I have been loving and supportive to my partner also. If anything, friends have said I have been too soft. Any insights would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010): Wow! Its time to let go of your 'children' and concentrate on your own life. They are adults! If your husband is emotionally and verbally abusive you need to consider how long you want to put up with it and what life would be like outside of this situation. Visit www.hiddenhurt.co.uk to get an idea of how his comments, amongst other things, can affect you. A friend of mine once said "Everyone has a right to be happy". She is right. Do you believe in that? You can change your life - you just need a plan.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010): If my partner spoke like that to me and called me such names, I would be seriously doubting whether I wanted to be with him. Ok he has a loving side but in my eyes that doesn't eliminate the fact that he is also rude and aggressive. I am tempted to say move on, and find someone calm as you have said yourself. Or, just be by yourself as you are getting used to going back to work, etc.
Your daughters are not helping, but I wonder if they also resent this man for being the way he is, and so are perhaps taking it out on you. Also, is your daughter 19 and still at school? I was a bit confused about that bit. They are both old enough to look after themselves and you need to set ground rules. Shape up or ship out is how my dad would put it. You need to sit down and talk it through with them, and if they have tantrums, well, too bad. Your house, your rules. And these threats about you ending up on your own are nonsense. I don't know why anyone would say such rubbish. It sounds to me like you need some peace and quiet. And I would start by getting rid of this aggressive partner of yours.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (8 January 2010):
 Ever heard of the expression: Monkey See, Monkey Do?
They see that HE is allowed to walk all over you, so why shouldn't they? We raise kids NOT by being nice to them, but by showing them how they should be as adults. YOU, the way you act, the way you are in relationships is the way they are raised.
So, they will see out abusive boyfriends just as you do because that is what they have been shown as an example.
It is the reason abused children often become abusers themselves. People learn by example.
If you want things to change, then you need to change and for a starter, stop dating guys you know from the start are abusive to women. "He called his ex thich bitch"... that was not a warning sign to you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010): Hi thanks for your answers. 'rainorfire' the reason i need to go to bed at a certain time is because I am going back to work soon and i want to stay in the routine of keeping normal working hours/routine. Also I have an underlying health problem which causes fatigue so i need enough sleep & my GP advised me not to become 'nocturnal'. If i get into the habit of going to bed at all hours, when i go back to work next month it will be really hard to re-adjust and the fatigue will make it even harder and I also feel it is bad for my daughters to be up all night when they have school or college the next day.
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A
female
reader, ShadowGoddess231  +, writes (8 January 2010):
 Ma'am, what you need to do is STOP holding your daughters hands they are not 5 and 8 years old anymore. They are disrespectful to you cuz you are with them by treating them like children. Grow up, they have new rules that they have to follow now, it your way or the highway, or in other words, do what I tell you to do or your out. I would have them with a time to be in the home or they can find there own home to always go to at whatever time they want too. As for always cooking for them and what have you, stop, they are adults they can fend for themselves they don't need momma to always be there. Don't even give them a bed time come on, that is so childish. A time to be in, hell yes! With the room being messy, will it's her dreams or nightmares. Tough love is in order.
As for that fle-bag of a boyfriend it's time for him to hit the road, and never come back. Find someone else and get off your ass and look for work so you can have others around you.
If you feel like whatever, more likely you are getting walked over or what have you. So grow a back bone and there you go.
I tell you in this light so you know that I'm a tough lover. My mom wouldn't even give me a inch if I didn't earn it. I was an adult living under her roof, and I had to follow the rules or out the door I go with my stuff right behind me. When I had a messy room my mom and dad never told me clean up your room or anything like that, they said things like, "yuck your room smells like old pizza boxes" they always wanted me to be my own boss of my room. It's like if your mom comes over to your house and starts in on you that your house looks like crap and you need to clean it up, that is what you are doing to her.
If you like you can call up Doc. Laura she has a website it's www.doclaura.com she is really good with help. ^_^ cheers!
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (8 January 2010):
 well at your daughters age they really shouldnt have bed times you dont work so why does it matter if you go to bed at a certain time, as for cleaning her room well i dont see whats the big deal if her room is junky she has to sleep in there and if it doesnt bother her it shouldnt bother anyone else,i feel your bedroom is the one place in the house a person should be able to junk up as long as it doesnt attract bugs rodents and smells living rooms kitchens bathrooms even the garage should be immaculate.
that said its your house your rules if your daughters dont like it they can move out give them a deadline to get it your way if they cant put them out on there ass.
as for your partner he needs help the ploice dept has people he can talk to but he probably wont cops deal with some messed up sht but even still passing it on to you is not rite i suggest moving on you cant change him and he probably doesnt have the will power to change himself.
its your life and your choices the best decisions are usually the hardest to make but the easiest to live with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010): Hello. Youre daughters arent children. Make rules and tell them to find somewhere else to live if your rules arent respected. As for your partner calling you abusive names. He has no right to do that. Its no good saying he CAN be nice. He should always be nice to you. Concentrate on getting well then throw them all out if they dont care enough about you x
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 January 2010):
Several women who have husbands/partners who are policemen have written on here saying they are disrespectful, which leads me to suspect that most policemen are very unstable. Addressing your partner first, he has no right to call you fat. Size 14/16 isn't fat, and to be making racist comments and to be so disrespectful to you and others shows he's not as nice as you think. Perhaps you would be better without him, think about that.
As for your daughters, please get talking to them and get them to open up. Rebelling is a child's way of crying for help, even if they don't know it. Maybe they both feel that you're giving into your partner, or maybe they feel lost without their father? Get talking to them about how they feel, and just listen. All the best.
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