A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey guy sorry this is a little long but please take a moment to read it, i will really appreciate it.well a year ago exactly i found out my boyfriend cheated (as in full blown sex) with his ex girlfriend. it was in the first month of em and him getting together, though we got together very quickly after he broke up with her (1months. we love each other alot and since ive found out we have been working on it, its now been a year on and its still a big thing in our reltionship. The problem is they still have contact, even though it once a month, they still talk. i have told him i dont like it and i dont want him speaking to her, but he claims that he still cares about her and wants to know if she is ok and whata she is doing. i find this very hard to deal with and i dont know what to do about it. ive told him to cut contact but he says that he never rings her, she rings him but when she does they just talk about what they been up to and thats it. But obv i doubt what they talk about due to before.also his ex is apart of his friends group but after everything that happened between us he doesnt really go to their things as there is a possiblity she is there and he doesnt want me to worry. however recently he is saying that he has to go and im really worried that shes gnna be there. i told him to take me with him but he keeps making excuses, as in "well i havent seen them in ages, i cant just turn up with a new gf" and "i dont want to rub my ex face in it, that ive moved on and she hasnt."also he stopped goin clubbing and parting which really showed that he cared as he gave up alot for me, but again recently he has been talking about going out clubbing with his boys and talking about going to a stag due in june. i know its been a year since the incident but by her keeping her in his life its not allowing me to move on... he says they only talk occassionally, but i still worry. Plus his got alot of mutal friends with her, so everytime he goes out with his friends she may be there...i have no idea how to react or how i should be or feel... whether i have a right to feel like this and what i can do to not feel like this.... please help any advice... what can i ask him to do, i cant say dont go out with your friends but i cant help but feel like this..... pleaseeee help
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broke up, clubbing, ex girlfriend, his ex, move on, my ex, stag Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): I honestly think you should give each other some space. I know its going to suck big time no being around him but trust is a big issue in a relationship and if he wants you to trust him he would stop talking to his ex out of respect for you. So during this space, if he finally comes back and says I love you and I will stop talking to my ex because I really dont want to lose you than it was meant to be. You shouldnt have to live like this. Its a crazy feeling and I know.
A
female
reader, ms.rafaeli  +, writes (9 January 2010):
 1. "well i havent seen them in ages, i cant just turn up with a new gf" and "i dont want to rub my ex face in it, that ive moved on and she hasnt." --- Seriously, honey that's just an excuse and Im sorry to say but it's not a good sign at all. 2. i have told him i dont like it and i dont want him speaking to her, but he claims that he still cares about her and wants to know if she is ok and whata she is doing. --- He cheated on you with his ex and he refused to cut contact with her. Another bad sign. 3. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Drop him!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell he hasnt seen their group of friends since the incident hence he know feels that if he takes me with him, he hasnt really had a chance to see if their friends will be ok with it. he says that he doesnt want to place his friends in an akward position, one in which they have to choose him n me or his ex. which is kinda understandable but im stil uncomfortable with it. I mean i have been out with all of his other friends, it just these as his old friends are still friends with his ex... is this reasonable??
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (8 January 2010):
 Real people have real baggage. His ex is part of his. It would be nice if we could just erase our past every time we make a mistake. I often want to ask, How would you feel if your ex never thought of you? Obviously at some point she was the most important person in his world. Having said that, I think his excuses not to take you out with his old friends are pretty lame. He needs to let you get to know them. Even his ex needs to know you.
You ask if you have a right to feel the way you do. Yes, he cheated on you. That will always be there, and you will always need to be suspicious of him to some degree. Hopefully you will trust him more later. But not when he is still doing suspicious things. I think the best thing for you to do is to get to know his ex. If you knew her better then it would all be out in the open, and if you couldn't trust him perhaps you could trust her. You should also put your foot down about going out with his friends. You are an important part of his life after a year and they should know that.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010): He says he cant just turn up with a new gf? And youve been with him for a year? That sounds very odd. It is really hard to trust someone after theyve done what he did to you. The fact he still has contact with her and is so considerate of her feelings that he wont take you out with their group of friends, says alot about him. Its nice he gave up clubbing. But you say hes started talking about going again. Tell him ok and go with him. Insist he allows you to join his group of friends. If he keeps you hidden away like a dirty little secret and wont introduce you to their joint friends, you should ask yourself why. He may not be as over her as he wants you to think x
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (8 January 2010):
 Hun, sorry to say but this guy is definitely not over his ex gf.... If he really loved you he would not have contact with her.. and what I find strange is all of a sudden he is wanting to do things that he hasnt done in ages... which would mean contact with his ex...
I think it might be time to tell him that you are not happy and that you are not going to fight this woman for him, that you dont feel he is committed to the relationship and therefore the relationship is not worth fighting for.
I personally think that you are second best in this relationship.. Sorry!!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 January 2010):
He doesn't' have one little bit of respect for you or your feelings at all. He cheated with his ex, which means he wasn't over her, he wouldn't cut contact even after you asked, he still obviously sees her because they're in the same friend group, he won't introduce you to his friends because of her. You're second best to this guy, and you can do better. You can't ask him to do anything, because he's already made it clear he won't change. If he really loved you, he would have done anything to make you feel reassured. He hasn't done anything at all. End it and move on, or you'll always be seconds best.
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