A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have 2 children with my partner and i'm finding it really dificult not being able to go out. At the moment i have 2 weeks off work and my bf just had a week off. I would love to go to a fancy dress party my friend's having, i haven't seen any of my friends for ages and i'm getting a bit upset that he won't let me go. I asked him if he wanted to come, but he said no. He's so unsociable! Fair enough if he wanted to spend the day with us, but he's still in bed at 1.30pm. And will probably stare at the tv all evening. My kids will be in bed when i wanna go out, so it's not like he has to look after them. I feel so trapped and feel like he owns me, having to ask permission to do anything i want to do. On the rare times he's let me go he tells me to come home even before the pubs close, when everyone else is still out. He says because he's a man i should listen to him. Should i leave him? Ive said how i feel, he never listens.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (31 May 2008):
 Key words I noticed.....he won't let me...like he owns me...rare times he lets me go...he tells me to come home....The reason he is able to make all the choices and call all the shots is because you empower him. EVERY time you let him decide what is god for you, you reinforce his misguided idea that he makes the rules. He figures he must be correct, after all, you listened to him. He feels the mere fact you obeyed his orders is proof he has power over you.
You have to be careful. If this has gone on for so long that he is really militant about it, you might need outside help. You see, he treats you as if you're already guilty for crimes you might someday commit. If he controls you, you can never do anything wrong. You are actually playing the role of someone who needs to be kept in line.
Why do you feel he is wiser than you? If you don't, change the way your relationship operates. It might not be easy and you'll have to be patient. After all, you have played your role too and he thinks it's normal. When you throw it in his face that you're not going to obey his demands, he may become angry.
Be careful.
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (31 May 2008):
 Because he's a man? Maybe a boy, but not a man. A real man, who loves you would not assume control over you. He has no right whatsoever to tell you what you can and cannot do.
Relationships are not about control, they are not about making decisions over someones actions. They are about choice. Two people who choose to spend time together, and who can just as easy choose not too. You nor he has the right to choose for the other. If you want to go out, you have the right too.
This control needs to stop. Do you want your children to learn it's okay to control others? How about, what men say goes? Children learn from their environment, and if these behaviors continue in theirs, they'll be learning inappropriate behaviors, and not learning how to be strong for themselves.
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A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey +, writes (31 May 2008):
 What would he do if you said "I'm going out tonight, will you be home to look after the children or should I arrange a sitter"? You are a grown woman with two children why do you ask his permission? Does he ask your permission to go out or is that unecessary because he is a man?
Only you can take back control of your life, and if he wants to stay home then that is his choice surely. All the time you allow him to dictate to you what you should and shouldn't do you are making the rod for your own back, be assertive and don't stand for this I'm a man crap!!
Go out and have a nice evening, say you would like him to come but it's his CHOICE like you going is YOURS!
Good luck!
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