A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been in my relationship now for almost 6 years and engaged for 2 of those years. (No date for marriage due to both of us being at risk of redundancy) and over 5 years ago we had a problem with my partners work colleague.To give a little background he fancied her before he did me but obviously he met me and things progressed and she got jealous even though she told him she didn't want him months before us being together. She put on a bet with her friends she could take him from me and an awful lot more happened which resulted in a lot of arguing because she treats me one way and my partner another so he couldn't understand why anything I told him would be true as she 'wasn't like that'. Things eventually came to a head and they stopped talking.I find out 3 weeks ago that they started talking again just before Christmas and they snapchat each other about general chit chat. Which happens to coincide with him distancing himself from me and me thinking it was work related and he was worried about losing his job. So when I find this out I'm paranoid and insecure and I let it be known and I've been a nightmare the past 3 weeks and he's telling me it's all in my head.On Saturday he goes out and doesn't return until 6am...turns out he spent 3 hours with this girl talking and asking her all this stuff and bringing up what happened 5 years ago and telling her that he is falling for her and he's so confused because he know loves her as well as me but he obviously wanted her first all these years ago. He finally admitted that she flirts with him all the time and comes into his office and as he sits with his back to the door she sneaks up on him and tickles him or covers his eyes and stuff and she's basically been a total head f**k. And he doesn't know what to do. He's going to speak to her sober when she's back to work next week but I'm at a total loss here. I don't know what to do.I love him, I want to be with him. I see my future with him...I don't want anyone else and I know that him falling in love with someone else should probably mean that I should end things but I don't want to because I love him. I want him to be with me and for her to disappear from our lives but am I stupid? Has anyone experienced this before? All I've done for the past two days is cry but funnily enough so has my partner.
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christmas, engaged, flirt, his ex, insecure, jealous Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2017): Dump him before you give the other woman a bigger ego when he leaves you for her! You don't need this spineless, attention whore in your life!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2017): Well he's the lucky-guy in the middle of a love-triangle.
If he's in-love with her, then you're not really engaged. There is no set-date; because he has no reason or intent to marry you. You're just hanging-on to your property. He can switch vaginas when he gets tired of one or the other.
This is so beneath you. Maybe a little sad, too!
You are competing for him, and don't want to give him up simply for the reason you know he'll go to her. So you're playing mind-games and tug-of-war.
He's playing both of you.
Letting a guy play you like that makes you look foolish. It's not love you feel. You're possessive and obsessed.
You sort of like the drama.
You're wasting your time with this guy. You'll never really be happy. I can assure you one thing. He is!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2017): You love him and it's not enough for him. Some fiance he is, he's managed to destroy your trust by meeting up with this colleague and now says he's falling for her? I'd be heartbroken and livid. If I were in your position I'd have his things packed and left on the door, because it's not healthy to live together with all this going on.
You do not need to sit around hoping a man chooses you, make the choice for him and tell him where to go! You are worth a lot more than forever thinking you're second best, his second choice. He works with her too, and I would forever struggle to trust him even at work because he allowed their relationship to develop despite being engaged to you. Save yourself the heartbreak and be the one who takes control and makes the decisions xx
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (13 June 2017):
 Yes, you are being silly.
If this man truly loved you and saw you as his future do you think there would be another woman in the picture?
Yes you love him, but love isn't always enough for two people to live happily ever after. Do you honestly think this is how you deserve to be treated?
I don't understand what hes crying over. It can't be the thought of losing you or else he would stop speaking to this other woman. The only reason I can think he's crying is because she won't take him.
Please, do yourself a favour, have some self respect and find someone who doesn't make you compete for his affection.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 June 2017):
 I agree with Auntie Cindy and Ivy here.
END it. FOR your sake. Yes, you care, Yes you love him but you shouldn't ACCEPT this kind of behavior from a partner. HE is the one DOING these things, not the other woman, though she CLEARLY likes to play mind-f games with other people (you included) your PARTNER have decided to jump right in and play alongside her in the mud.
Being ENGAGED have made no difference to him. HE wants to see if HE can get her. Which mean YOU are the consolation prize and has been for 6 YEARS! Why wants to be a partner's second choice? The "if I can't get whom I want I'll settle for this one"... YOU deserve more, OP
And like YCBS said, YOU make the choice to NO longer be strung along while he tests the water with this crazy chick.
I know you have invested in him for 6 YEARS! but the dividend is nothing right now. He would DUMP you at the drop of a hat if she said:"sure, I want you".
You can't MAKE a relationship work ALL by yourself. It takes two and he isn't giving a flying fart about YOU, your feelings OR your relationship.
It's going to be tough, but you SHOULD start to put yourself first. And the first order of business would be to END it and move out.
He ONLY wants to be with you IF he can't have her.
If you stay with him it will be another and another woman whom he "falls in love" with and will pursue. IS that what you see for yourself?
I would also suggest you start looking REAL hard for a new job AWAY from him and her. ASAP.
Sorry, OP
You deserve more and better than this.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (13 June 2017):
 Agree. Time to rip the bandaid off and end it. This is going to be painful for you either way. Stay and you know you are in for a long haul of emotional and mental heartache. It's a given. You can sure as shit count on that given the type of person they both are. Sorry but the chances of a fling is highly likely- all the ingredients are there: A bitch, a weak man, mutual feelings, un resolved feelings, flirty work shenanigans , deceptive contact both in person and social media and alcohol. Alcohol will be the excuse that it all went a bit too far, when sorry just wont cut it. That pain and torment just lingers for ages, sometimes years even.If you leave with your dignity intact that makes you smart and confident in knowing that you deserve so much better. All the best
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 June 2017):
 I agree with YCBS ; I think too that you should choose for him.
I realize that it's easier said than done and that it must be very painful for you to let go of the man you had planned your future with. Then again, keeping living with someone who is admittedly in love with another woman ( and who has never done much to take a stand and firmly discourage this woman's attentions and seduction attempts) cannot be such a bed of roses, and since unluckily you are going to suffer anyway, might as well, IMO, to suffer while maintaning your dignity and self respect intact, and preventing these two from making you look like a mug.
I also agree that probably this woman is only interested in your partner because of her big ego and her sick competitive spirit, and that, most probably, when she'll be free to have him- she won't know what to do with him. Which very possibly could prompt him to run back to you all apologetic, hat in hand. In which case- you'd be very foolish to take him back, I think. But, you'll cross that bridge when you'll reach there.
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (13 June 2017):
 Your love for him is not enough. He has to love you as well. If you are open to this other woman then all is not there for you. As the others have said walk away and find someone who is worth spending time with. It will not be easy for you at first as you can't see clearly when you are in love with someone who does not love you in the same way ,
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (13 June 2017):
 She is the worst type of woman but he just cannot see it. She only wants him so she can prove to her friends she can get him. Once she has him hooked, and his relationship with you is history, she will dump him. And, by the sound of it, it will serve him right.
If he is too stupid to see all this, then he really needs the lesson.
I know you say you love him, but being without him cannot be more painful than it is being with him in this situation.
In your shoes I would make the choice for him. Wish him well, tell him to go and be with this silly woman, and walk away with dignity and your head held high. Then cut all contact. Don't, under any circumstances, allow him to keep you on a back burner "just in case".
If, as predicted, the other woman gets bored once she has nobody to compete with for him, he will soon realize his mistake and come crawling back. Then it is up to you whether you choose to take him back, or even if you choose to bother waiting.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2017): You know the answer.... you said it yourself, that you should probably end things. He doesn't respect you or really want to be with you. If he did, then he'd cut her out. But this has been an ongoing thing, and you're letting it happen.
You can't change him or make him do anything. But you can choose to be there or not.
Let her have him, he's not worth it. When he finds out she was just playing him, he'll realize how stupid he was, but not until he loses you. Leave him and find a man worthy of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2017): Firstly you say you haven't set a date for a wedding due to redundancy yet it doesn't take 2 yrs to be made redundant your both making excuses ....you might not want to lose him but why is he allowing another woman to come sit in his office flirting ...simply he's loving it ..I would walk away if he loved you he would of put a stop to it by now
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