A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 36 years old and I have a wonderful two year old daughter. I own my home, and my daughter’s mom lives with me. This is where the problem comes in. She is going to school full time and out of the three years we have been living together she hasn’t contributed any money to the bills and rarely will clean the house or pick up her messes. We have been in a couple of fights about this because I feel like I am being used. She has also stolen money out of my account to pay her bills, lied to me about it, and used my credit card to buy things without my permission. I am not sure what to do anymore about this. She said she will change and wants to work things out, so we both are happy, but I don’t trust her or really see things changing. I don’t want to keep wasting time on this if it’s not going to work. I am unhappy but don’t know if it’s all because of her or if it’s because of other things in my life too. She also lied to me about paying the house bills which lead to my credit score being hurt and almost losing my house. Any help would be great. Thanks.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): Run, do not walk, away. If you foresee any future, other than a crappy, ugly one with this creature, you are deluding yourself. Get her out of your life ASAP
A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (28 February 2011):
 If you want the mother of your child to continue living at your house I would put everything under 'lock and key'. Buy a lock box or a small fireproof safe and put all your credit/debit cards and important documents in this and keep it locked. I think the only reason you've let her stay for as long as she has is because she is the mother of your daughter."She said she will change and wants to work things out, so we both are happy, but I don’t trust her or really see things changing." "three years we have been living together she hasn’t contributed any money to the bills and rarely will clean the house or pick up her messes" Sounds to me you have a second daughter. Do you live in Missouri? Missouri is the 'show me state'. Tell her to show you she can be trusted and that she has changed. A good place to start would be her doing some house work."I feel like I am being used." I think you're being used too. For the sake of your daughter I would give her 'one last chance'. Make it clear to her that her behavior is unacceptable to you and she needs to either change or leave when she graduates. I wish you all the best!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 February 2011):
 Why are you so careless about your money and credit card? It's not like she could get her hands on your credit card unless you didn't bring it with you, is it? How did she get her hands on the credit cards? And are your cards without a personal code? Then don't use credit cards without a personal code, or personalized credit cards that only YOU can use.
You do know if someone stole your credit card, and used it, it's called theft? And you can report it to the police? Does your insurance not cover theft? Don't think this isn't serious, or stealing, simply because it's your partner who does it and not the hobo on the corner.
As for your bank account, now surely you have a password for your bank account? Or is it open to the public? How did she get access? Keep her out of your account.
Just be more careful with your money here! You know you can't trust this woman with money, so why are you keeping your guards down? She's your partner, yes, but you don't have to accept this. Close the entry gates to your money. Secure yourself a bit more! Bring your credit cards with you, or better yet cut them in half and throw away the ones you really do not need. Less cards to keep track of.
But I will say, that this CAN be worked on. Her taking money from you is a fairly easy problem to fix. You just stop her getting access. Then once that is done, take a look at the relationship and see what things you can work on. The money issue you need to get stricter on though.
Next time if she steals, report it. If your insurance covers it you should get your money refunded. And your partner needs to get a reality check, stealing is a crime. You can't baby sit her, you need to be strict on this point.
Your relationship is not doomed though, I have to emphasize that. It doesn't mean the end if you cut her off your money supply, it doesn't mean the end if you toughen up and secure your money better, or demand that she pays rent etc, does her fare share of things around the house. It's not the end. But you have a problem, and this is how you fix it. Do the practical things you can, and should do, to fix it. Next you can talk about it, and work through communication.
It's like if your partner is an addict. You do not love them less. And they can be wonderful people. But you need to give them tough love, and be hard and strict. Or else they will drag you down with them. Don't let her money problems become yours. Take care of your daughter, and yourself, and you don't need to throw her out on the street. But you can keep your wallet close, and change your passwords on your accounts, and secure yourself better. That will keep it from happening again.
You don't trust her with your money, and you shouldn't either the way she's treated it. But you do trust her in other areas. You trust that she is a good mother for example, don't you? You trust that she cares for you? If there is still trust in other areas, then the relationship will survive. Knowing that she can not be trusted with money is just a fact about her, a thing you've learned. But it doesn't mean happiness is impossible.
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A
female
reader, JDinCali +, writes (28 February 2011):
 Seeking therapy seems like the thing to do here. Maybe she has fears, self esteem, anxiety or depression issues that she needs to address.
Also, sometimes people act out like this, because they're upset with how things are going and try to punish through actions. As if she rationalizes that you owe her, hence taking your money.
Avoiding her issues and letting this go will end badly.
A well educated third party could help her get on track and you'd be showing your support.
Hope things get better soon.
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