A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing a wonderful woman for almost 7 years. We are in love. Her teenage daughter has broken us up as a couple, and says she doesn't want her mom seeing me anymore.My girlfriend basically told me that has to make sure that her daughter is "emotionally stable" etc., but in reality the girl's been independent for years and lives with her dad.She was supposed to stop by and see me because I was all broken up over this, but she says she's too afraid to see my face and look in my eyes. Meanwhile she says her conscience is clear and she wants to be with her daughter.She'll talk to me over the phone or write me notes and such, but only every week or so.I feel used and heartbroken about this. Should I just run in the opposite direction from this woman and write this one off? I relocated across the country, got a new job to be with her. I even bought a new house for us. This is really bad.When she told me she wasn't going to see me, I started talking to other women and she found out about it. She's really jealous because I didn't even wait for the body to get cold. Well I waited a month for her to make up her mind! And she told me to go out and see other people.Should I run? Or should I stand my ground and just ignore her till she comes back?
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male
reader, miket1m +, writes (4 September 2009):
Turn around and walk the other way. Lets look at this logically. If she wanted to be with you, she would ignore her daughters demands to break up with you. She doesn't want you but she doesn't want anyone else to have you. You can wait around on a weekly basis for a couple of years, hoping she'll change her mind or you can just turn now and walk away and deal with the pain. Believe me, this pain will not even compare with the pain you will experience if you go the other way. This has nothing to do with anything or anyone other than the fact she just doesn't want to commit to you. Why do they do this?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): Turn around and walk the other way. Lets look at this logically. If she wanted to be with you, she would ignore her daughters demands to break up with you. She doesn't want you but she doesn't want anyone else to have you. You can wait around on a weekly basis for a couple of years, hoping she'll change her mind or you can just turn now and walk away and deal with the pain. Believe me, this pain will not even compare with the pain you will experience if you go the other way. This has nothing to do with anything or anyone other than the fact she just doesn't want to commit to you. Why do they do this?
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A
female
reader, a spades a spade  +, writes (25 August 2009):
reading your follow up has made me really suspicious of the daughter!
i dont really think therer's going to be any way around her.
however, i would still give it a bit of time, your ex may come round, and in the meantime you should definitely try and carve yourself out some kind of life, try and meet new people, make new friends.
maybe she feels like things were going too well and her daughter (and i know she's hard work) is making her feel like because her life is going so great with you that she is being left out. which i dont think she is but remember being a teenager and thinking you were so hard done by?
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (20 August 2009):
 Sounds like she'll always be ruled by what other people want her to do...Is it worth the hassle and heartache?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): Reading your follow up, it's confirmed that it's definately her daughter. She's going through a rebellious stage, as a lot of teenagers do, and her getting her own way about this is proving how spoilt she can be! Perhaps she's worried all the attention won't be on her once you're living together?
Still, as I say, you should talk to your ex. You could give it a little while if you think it's best, and then try to talk to her. If you decide not to give up on her just yet, you could sit down with her and tell her that her daughter is going through a phase, as most teenagers do. That as she was OK with you two being together before, she will come around again once she's matured a bit.
I don't think it's anything personal, it could be part of the phase she's going through as she's like it with everything/everyone else. As I say, you have to be very careful with how you approach this topic as you don't want to come across as criticising her parenting and make it seem like you're more important than her daughter.
There can be a compromise on this some where, all of you need to find a balance in this and work things out. Her daughter has to realise that she can't act like a 5 year old for the rest of her life if it's about always getting what she wants, but it's down to her mother on how she handles her. She just needs reminding that she can't let her daughter walk all over her and ruin a chance at you two being happy.
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A
female
reader, babymama99 +, writes (20 August 2009):
 It seems to be that she is using her daughter as a scapegoat. If the daughter lives with the father there is no reason why she would have to stop dating you completely. She could see you whenever the daughter is not with her which seems to be most of the time if she lives with her father. Even if she had to sneak around.I say sit down with the girlfriend and find out what is really going on, face to face. You need to either work this out and stay together or you at least will get closer and be able to move on with life.She gets jealous when she sees you with some one else. Let her know that she can't have her cake and eat it too. She should either piss or get off the pot and all the other cliche's.
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A
female
reader, mediocreland +, writes (20 August 2009):
I definately think you should stick around and see what happens. The daughter might just be testing you, or be in that b*tchy teenage phase (I know I cerintaly was when my mom was dating new guys) but if shes older than 16, it shouldn't matter THAT much for your gf to break up with you. If she was younger, then I could see why it'd be the daughter first routine. Plus you say shes independent, and doesn't even live with her mom.It's a little fishy, that's why I would stick around and see how it unfolds. Cut off contact with her for a few days and see how she responds.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo follow up on this one----
The daughter was fine up until about a couple of months ago. The girl is 16 and started having sex with different boys, despite her mother's objections.
The daughter also started acting up in school at the beginning of the year, fighting with other kids in class and disrespecting her mother.
At some point she was so out of control that they thought about taking her to a shrink. Something snapped and the daughter stopped acting up and started being very good, and her grades improved greatly.
At the end of June, right before going on an expensive class tour to Paris, the girl started demanding that we break up.
The funny thing is, the girl doesn't live with her mother, she insists on living with her father. Her mom is constantly doting on her, and mom keeps a place just for the daughter to stay every other weekend. I give her space so she and the girl can be alone together as much as they want.
I just don't understand it? My girlfriend keeps telling me that I'm the "white knight", her "dream man", etc. Yet I get kicked to the curb just like "that" with hardly any explanation or even sympathy from her.
I swear I'd have never thought this in almost 7 years.
There haven't ever been any communications issues, I have changed my life and myself for this special gal in my life. At one point I used to drive or fly thousands of miles a month just so she wouldn't be lonely.
Last winter I drove 1200 miles through a snow storm to be with her because she was depressed over the holidays and needed me.
The daughter is spoiled by her dad, and I think deep down the girl wants to force her parents to reconcile.
I just feel used and hurt. I got no family, they have all passed away and I don't have any friends in this new place.
Its like being abandoned.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): Well, if you hadn't been together long and you hadn't made such a huge effort to be with her, I would have said let go. But in this case, I think you should try to sort things again (again).
I think her daughter is being incredibly selfish. Has she always been this way towards you? If not, why now...do you know anything that could have happened to make this change of heart? If she is a teenager, and if she is living with her dad, then I think she is being very unfair to make her mum choose between her and you.
If her daughter has always had this attitude towards you, and you're a genuinly nice guy toward her (which I'm sure you are) then I think the problem is within the daughter. Perhaps she has always seen it as you taking the fathers place, if you had met her mum shortly after her and the father split. Whatever the reason, as she is a teenager, she should be able to talk about it properly with her mum, and learn to accept that if you make her mum happy, she should be OK with you being around, even if she hasn't taken to you much.
Also, I've emphasised her daughter a lot, but are you sure it is her daughter that is the cause? And this isn't an excuse? If there is nothing else that would be geting in the way of what would bea great relationship, then you should try to contact this woman and talk to about it in person. The fact that she can't look you in the face says to me that she is somewhat in the wrong; perhaps because she knows she's letting her daughter control her? (if this is the case?).
I know children come before any partner, and I could be more sympathetic if it was a younger child, but you've been together 7 years. It would be a shame to throw that away.
You could talk to her, without trying to criticise her parenting, and say that you don't want her daughter to come between your relationship, and that perhaps she could come around to the idea of you two living and being together. As you've just moved to where they live perhaps the daughter hadn't realised that you'll actually be around a LOT more often.
If her daughter is definately the reason and the ONLY reason why she split up with you, then you need to discuss this properly. I think she told you to see other women because she may have thought it would be easier for you to get over her, or you could get over her quicker, or because of her reaction she may not have even meant it and regrets telling you to do that.
SO, before you give up, TALK to her, perhaps you could talk to her daughter and tell her how you feel, and that you'd like to be a part of their lives on a permanant and regular basis, as you have done for the past 7 years.
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A
female
reader, a spades a spade +, writes (20 August 2009):
i can understand if she wants to put her daughter first, as a parent its very commendable but i realise you;re dubious. is there maybe something going on in her daughters life that you dont know about?
but, if what you say is right then its the old, she doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to have you? thats very fickle
i wouldn't do anything rash like moving across the country away from her, but i would keep my distance for a while and see what she does.
if you really want her back then you need to give her space to miss you and want you back.
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