A
female
age
30-35,
*keez
writes:Hello everyone. I hope anyone out there can help me.Ok so i am 20 years old and am at University therefore i no longer live with my parents. I go to the gym almost every single day and work out, and swim, though in the last week i have slacked off coz of work. I eat a lot of vegetables and 3 small meals a day and i snack on veg and drink 8 litres of water a day. I weight about 125 pounds and am about 5'4. I know im not very thin at all but i am not fat and i have been trying very very hard to lose weight.Anyways everytime i visit home my dad constantly remarks on my weight saying that i need to go to the gym more, and saying I eat too much even though i barely touch food when i am home becuase of all the spiteful remarks i get. I can eat one meal a day when im at home and still my dad has to mention how much food is on my plate. If we go out to eat he says 'why do you always eat cheese?' as if i stuff myself in the face with it when in reality i barely touch the stuff. He doent even live with me to know what i eat but he accuses me of eating too much fatty foods.If we eat a meal at 2pm and im hungry at 9pm he will say 'are you eating more we just had food earlier' while hes there eating ice cream and crisps. Today I had a cheese and ham toastie and i asked him if he could order me a side salad to go with it and he said 'no you will get fat'. Salad doesnt even have any calories in it, so as far as hes concerned im not allowed to eat salad either. He also always grabs my arms and wobbles them saying i need to lose some inches and pats my belly saying i need to lose some there aswell.My sister is very thin and older than me, she never gets comments about her being too thin but praise that shes so skinny.I was going to make a vegetable dish for my parents tonight to show them what kind of food im eating at Uni. I mentioned that i dont like tomatos, so my dad says 'then u obviously dont eat vegetables like u say u do' since when does not liking one type of veg mean i dont like any at all?Im also doing a fashion design course and my mum says hes only saying this stuff coz hes worried about me being in this business and that hes concerned how i will look. Im not trying to be a model, and have told them that but nothing changes.Im so upset and have been teary eyed tonight and have descretely been dashing to the toilet to cry. I feel so fat and ugly and im thinking of just giving them what they want and stop eating, or take diet pills or do hours and hours at the gym till im thin enough for them.what do i do?? please help
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): Gaby gives great advice here! Sorry about this! I think your weight is perfectly normal, attractive, and most importantly, healthy. Head up doll! Your parents are respectfully out of line here.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 April 2011):
 Ok, let me play devil's advocate here so that these parents don't come off necessarily as heartless monsters :).
Just misguidedly apprehensive, or perfectionist.
So : providing that 125 at 5'4 IS within a healthy range and I am sure you look very good, technically your IDEAL weight would be 119. And if you were 115, you'd be thinner but still within a healthy range .
Plus, it's not so much the weight as its distribution. And muscle tune. If you are not very physically active, you may have small fatty deposits in the wrong places- stomach, upper thighs, upper arms, and, on a small frame, it shows.
At 18 it is very easy to have, and keep, a perfectly flat stomach- and if you have a belly to pat, well, maybe you MIGHT have a few pounds in the wrong places.
Now, is this a big deal ? Absolutely not ! Is it worth giving so much aggravation to your kid and make her feel inadequate over so few pounds ? Absolutely not !
Then, why do they do it ?
Parents are always AFRAID. They want to see you successful and happy, and they often have very skewed notions about what could delay your success / prevent your happiness.
I had your same experience, at 5'3" and 120-125 I was the only pleasantly plump in a family of model thin people, and my weight and eating habits were always , and unnecessarily, under scrutiny. Years later, I realized that
my mom was maybe ignorant ( meaning she was UNAWARE of certain things ) ,but not mean. Her concern was wrong , but well meant. She had grown up with the idea ( old fashioned, but far from extinct )that the prettiest a woman is , the better. And the easier her life will be. She will have her pick among the best future husbands , she will get the most out of her career /social life , she will get the most validation and approval from her peers . So being "perfect " becomes a sort of moral imperative. Like, you could be beautiful, why do you just settle for being cute ? A bit like having for daughter a talented piano-player , or gymnast, that's lazy in practising. You push her to be the best she can be.
In your case this is complicated by the fact you are pursuing a career in fashion design, and , well,image is everything in that field . A pudgy fashion designer - not very creditable. Unjust,and bizarre, but it's like this. The form IS the content. Look at Giorgio Armani - over 70, and he could still wear his own creations on his runways.
Said all that - ignore your parents and keep eating what you want, when you want. Turn off the audio to their comments. But- don't feel bad whenthey comment . It's probably their - misguided- way to want only the best for you.
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker  +, writes (19 April 2011):
 Umm...are they trying to make you a fashion model or something? Because apart from that line of work, I can't think of ANY circumstance where 5'4" and 125lbs is considered anything other than perfect.
If you feel you need to lose weight, by all means, go ahead, but don't do it because they want you to. Just...ignore this nonsense (and nonsense it is). A firm "I'm happy the way I am" every time they start this should do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): Wow 5'4" and 125 lbs can't get any better than that, that is perfect for a model, I'm 5'1" 124 lbs, wear 4s and 6s and I'm not fat. maybe you shoud give your parents a break down on weight and height scales, how much you should weight at 5'4" at 125, sounds like your sister needs to gain a few pounds. Maybe you should sit down and have a long talk with your parents and ask them to butt out of your business. At that weight and height I'm sure your clothes fits you nice and that might be a little jealousy with your parents, alot of ladies would love to be that size.
Good Luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): You should call on your dad every time you catch him eating fattening foods. Make sure you use the exact same words he uses on you.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (19 April 2011):
At 5'4" and 125 pounds you are not fat. The problem is not your weight. The problem is your parents are being controlling and are crossing/disrespecting your personal boundaries by imposing on you their own distorted views.
If your parents think you are fat, they are certainly entitled to their own private opinion. BUT, it's not OK for them to be going the step further of impinging on you and negatively affecting you by shoving their opinions down your throat and trying to control you and change you against your will because you're an adult.
Unfortunately, people who are controlling have a hard time becoming less so. If it's in their nature, it's very difficult for them to stop their urge to control others even when they want to. And that's even if they want to change. Trying to rationalize with them and explain to such people why their views are distorted and unrealistic, rarely works (as you've found). Trying to argue your point with them also rarely works. people who are controlling usually have very ingrained sense of belief in their own righteousness. Beliefs are very hard to shake (that's what makes them beliefs rather than just opinions)
In such situations all you can do is (a) cope by just trying to let his remarks roll off you, which works in the short term to get the situation over with, but can really take a toll on you in the long term depending on how frequent and intense these interactions are, as you are finding (b) Stop allowing situations to occur where you receive his remarks. Simply refuse to engage whether it be in arguing back or defending yourself.
How about this: Tell him that you understand that he prefers you to be thinner, but that it's really his own issue and you disagree with him and since you're an adult and this is your body, you are not going to lose weight just because he says so and because of that, you don't want to hear him talk about your weight anymore. Then tell your parents that unless your father stops talking about your weight, you will not see them, that this is a new "rule" for how things are going to be from now on. Explain clearly that it's not about your weight - whether you are 125 pounds or whatever. It's about THEIR refusal to respect your personal boundaries.
(I'd bet that even though your father doesn't get on your sister's case about her weight, that he does so about some different issue. I think it's likely that if you look closer you would find he does the same thing to her but over a different issue like maybe her grades or her choice of boyfriend etc etc And if he hasn't yet, he probably will in the future if the "right" thing occurs in her life that he disagrees with and triggers this in him. wanting to control people is rarely just about ONE issue, it is usually a repeating behavior.)
After informing them of this new "rule", go about your business as usual. But now if you're at their house and everything is OK and then he blindsides you with a remark about your weight, just leave their house.
Another tactic you could try to get him to shut up is to repeat like a broken record (but in a calm voice) the same line every time he says some thing about your weight. For example, if he says you should lose weight, tell him, "I'm not going to do this" (or something similar). He will probably keep on talking and get angrier or more upset. No matter what he says, don't try to counter argue , just calmly repeat that phrase. Like a broken record. This actually can work, because if the other person feels they are not making any headway in their goal to control you, if you're not arguing back giving them more fodder just repeating the same deadpan line, if they start to feel frustrated tired and exhausted, then they will shut up. But this can be very difficult because they may fly into a rage. If you feel safe and strong enough to keep repeating your line in spite of whatever rants and whatever other dramatic displays they are now putting on, it may still work. If not, you can just leave the situation.
The thing is, you have to show that you are not going to tolerate this treatment any more. First inform them of the new "rules" that you're not going to tolerate this any more, and then you have to stick with it. yes the other person may react with great offense, but that's to be expected, so expect it.
If and when the controlling person eventually realizes they can't control you because you refuse to give in and yet you refuse to engage in a fight, one of two things may happen. One is that they will gradually give up doing it and thus you will be happier (you teach people how to treat you). The relationship becomes better. However, there are other times when the controlling person may instead be so enraged at your defiance (and the threat it poses to their need to control you) that they cut you out of their lives and paint you as a bad guy. In the case of family relationships, sometimes the relationship may get icy if the controlling parent realizes their kid is no longer able to be controlled and just paint the kid as being "disrespectful".
I don't know if that could happen in your family but if so, you have to ask yourself if your parents were to disown you simply because you would not lose weight (and you are NOT fat to begin with) and because you wanted them to respect your personal boundaries, then was it really a relationship that is good for you to maintain in the first place.
here's some links you might find helpful on dealing with controlling people:
http://www.newkerala.com/self-help/Articles/Successfully-Dealing-Difficult-People.html
http://www.ec-online.net/knowledge/articles/control.html
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (19 April 2011):
you are not fat or even close to overweight, you are slim if anything, but a healthy weight ! it seems your parents may be insecure about their own appearances, or else they are trying to lose weight themselves. in any case tell them you DONT want to hear any more comments about your weight, it is damaging and it is doing you no favours. if I was you I would be extremely happy with my weight, as I am a good bit heavier tha you and Im trying to lose weight. I have had negative comments from family members in the past about my weight (when I was a healthier weight!) and it was not productive or helpful at all, so I do sympathise! all the best, and do not lose weight! you are perfect already
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): DAMN!! Since when is 125 pounds fat?
You need to talk to your parents, because they need to see how much this is hurting you.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 April 2011):
 I agree that unless they can stop these horrible mean and UNTRUE comments you should not visit them.
your weight is perfect..... your exercise and food too.
IGNORE them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): OP you don't mention whether you've told your father how bad this is affecting you.
Simple solution really OP, ignore all the details of your weight etc. all the ladies here have told you the truth about that.
Talk to your father, tell him he has you in tears, tell him he's crushing you and it's getting so bad that you're considering not coming home anymore because you don't want to be bullied by him anymore because that's what it is.
Ask him this, ask him as your father what would he do if he found out you were dating a guy that called you fat all the time and put you down, ask him what he'd do if he knew you were dating a guy who was crushing your spirit, mentally abusing you and making you feel like crap all the time. Ask him what he'd do to that guy and then ask him why he's doing that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): Never ever stop eating or take diet pills! You sound really healthy. Stick to your 3 meals a day with veg snacks inbetween. You mentioned having 1 meal a day at your parents' place - that's actually really bad for your body because it starts to wonder when the next meal might be and so it holds onto as much fat as it can. If you stopped eating as well and often as you do now, you'd stuff up your metabolism and it'd take years to fix. Cook them your vegetable dish, that sounds like a great idea. Show them how you eat and tell them it's the healthiest way to be.
The only thing you mentioned that you could maybe change is eating at 9pm sometimes. If you go to bed at midnight, then that's fine, but if you eat a lot not long before bed then your body has less to do and so stores all the energy it gets out of your food as fat. So it's better to eat a meal at 7 or 8 then just have a piece of fruit later on.
Good luck! I know it's hard and it makes you feel awful. The last time I went home to visit my mum, the first thing she said to me at the airport was "oh no - you're pregnant!!!" And I'm about your size too. I don't know why parents do that... there's nothing wrong with us! You just have to be strong and know you're in the right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): you are not fat tell your parents to leave you alone .
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 April 2011):
 You are not fat. Your BMI places you in the ideal range. I try not to label anyone but I had read books about difficult parents and narcissistic. They would nit pick on anything because that's what their own parents did to them. Telling you what to do, to micromanage your life gives them a perverse sense of control. You should not lose weight. They are not nutritionists. Listen to your body and nourish it. You should plan on moving out as soon as you can. I know it's not realistic like let's say next year but having a plan that covers five years would make you feel much better. My flag says Canada but my parents are from Hong Kong. See what I mean? My parents are not that extreme though. Being apart made us friendlier to each other. Your parents have no right to tell you what to eat and when to eat. If you must come home for the summer either find a summer job so at least you can eat out more. Do not talk back at your parents. In a sense they are not the loving parents you longed for anymore. They need someone to continue this hate script. Refuse to take part in that drama. You are the director of your life, not them.
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (19 April 2011):
 You're like the perfect size. I believe the rule is that for every inch above 5', you add 5 pounds and that's your 'ideal weight' ; 5 pounds over that is more than fine. You are being healthy. You are doing what is good for your heart, exercising and eating right and it's creepy and inappropriate for your parents to try to get you to do anything else. You need to stand up for yourself, say you're an adult now and you can take care of yourself as you see fit, and if they have a problem with the way you look it's THEM that have the problem. Don't stop eating! You're taking care of yourself so well, your dad doesn't have to 'prepare' you for the fashion industry, what does he know about it anyway?! I know you said you weren't interested in being a model but i'm sure not every model eats a tomato, either! Whatever his reason for breeding or projecting insecurities into you is really...uncalled for and just stay strong, stand up to them and emphasize to them that you're happy and what they're doing is making you uncomfortable and weight is no longer a topic that you wish to have with them.
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female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (19 April 2011):
 I can't believe what I'm reading, this is abusive! If you are 125 pounds and 5'4, you are a HEALTHY weight. If you lost more than a few pounds you would be underweight, which has as many health dangers as obesity(watch supersize vs superskinny on channel 4od). You do not need to lose weight. I know how emetionally damaging it is to be bullied for your weight by your parents, and I was an overweight child, you are not, so this is really unnecessary abuse!
Everyone has a natural body size and shape. Yes you can change this with diet and exercise, but you already take good care of yourself and are within a normal, healthy weight range, so you have NO NEED to up your exercise regime nor starve yourself. That could leave you with an eating disorder.
This really makes me angry as I know how damaging these little underhand remarks and digs about your appearence are. Your parents may think they are doing you a favor, but they are really destroying your self esteem and body image. Which is so unfair because there is NOTHING wrong with you.
The sad, sad fact is, the media, and particularly the fashion industry, portray a body image that only perhaps 3% of the population could ever hope to be. To be that tall and that skinny is actually abnormal. There have been models who have literally dropped down dead because their heart muscle has wasted away due to starvation. YOU are normal and healthy. Don't jepordize that because your parents have a warped view of helping you.
You are an adult now and are capable of making your own decisions and living your own life. Kindly tell your father this and that you don't appreciate his little digs about your weight as you are perfectly capable of making your own, informed decsions about what to eat. Next time he eats ice cream or crisps, kindly point out that he wants to aoid that middle age spread, because its very hard to get off once its on, and at his age he ought to be careful.
Don't accept this abuse. You're an adult now and you don't need to accept comments and judgements that are uncalled for, even from your parents. If it doesn't stop and its seriously affecting your self esteem, you may have to consider self-protection by limiting your contact with them. Look after yourself first hun.
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male
reader, lakers_lover09 +, writes (19 April 2011):
Ok firstly, all women gave beautiful qualities so find urs and flauntt it. Second, from ur exercise and eating habits u sound very healthy. Ur parents sounds like idiots. No offense. All that matters is how u feel about u. U think u look great the way u r? Than dnt change a thing. Only change if u want to. And tell ur parents how bad they r hurting u. If they dnt listen, then give them a taste of their own medicine.
P.s. 5'4 125..seriously? Thats not fat at all! Not even close..sheesh. U r perfect in ur owm right. Always remember tht.
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female
reader, DanceInTheDark +, writes (19 April 2011):
 Honestly, I know this seems harsh, but I think you should just stop visiting them.
Tell them how bad it is hurting you, and for your mental well being you can't visit anymore. Maybe that will make them think.
125 at 5'4 sounds just fine. You don't have to be a stick to be attractive. You're a good normal weight.
Don't stop eating, you're fine the way you are. Your parents are the problem. You have a good healthy life style, you should be proud.
Tell them they need to stop, or else you can't visit them anymore.
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female
reader, Angelbunny5 +, writes (19 April 2011):
Dont eat much when ur at thier house and also tell him how his comments make u feel.And maybe try showing him that ur losing wieght by taking him to ur house sumtimes.
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female
reader, Angelbunny5 +, writes (19 April 2011):
Dont eat much when ur at thier house and also tell him how his comments make u feel.And maybe try showing him that ur losing wieght by taking him to ur house sumtimes.
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