A
male
age
36-40,
*ndy00
writes:Ok folks, this is a biggie.7 years ago my Dad went through a mid-life crisis, during which time he was very depressed. This sparked a separation with my Mum and resulted in him cheating on her. Somehow the two managed to work things out and we continued to be a happy family. This changed whenever my Dad switched jobs for one far away. He had been with he's previous employers for over twenty years and he grew tired of it and wanted to work for a different company. While he was away, he and my Mum went through another rough patch, but again they seemed to work things out.He was made redundant from work just before Christmas last year and until recently has been out of work. He now works as a salesman. In the past couple of weeks I noticed a rift between him and my mum. They were less affectionate and quiet. This came to a head this weekend when he moved out of the house. It turns out that my mum has lost the love for him, and that this all started just under a year ago while he was working away, during which time SHE cheated on HIM.Now, obviously my main concern with this horrendous circumstance is with my parents, but I also can't help but worry for myself. I don't know if that's selfish or not. I love my family dearly, but I can't help but fear the person I am going to become. I am their son and a part of me worries I will become them. I am like my dad in so many ways. He is a great man and probably my greatest inspiration... but he did have a breakdown, and he did cheat on my mum. Now it turns out my Mum is also a cheat. Like I say, I love them so so much and I am NOT labelling them as JUST these things, there are far more great sides to them. Nevertheless, I worry about what will happen to me when I'm older. I never want to be a cheat. I consider myself a decent and generally nice person and the thought of doing something so vile makes me very angry.I'm 22, so I should probably have a better grasp of the fact that life is not a fairy tale. People don't always get married and live happily ever after. My dad has been married twice and now both of his previous wives have cheated on him. He has cheated. Mid-life crisis... How do I know this isn't what the future holds for me? Am I going to be cheated on by my future spouse? Am I going to go on a downer and cheat on THEM? The thought of it terrifies me and I'm genuinely worried! Do I have good reason to be or am I over-reacting?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2011): You have good reason to be worried. Try to understand that worry, and understand how it will affect your future relationships. It will affect them, no matter what you do, but you don't have to cheat. There are a lot of resources on the internet for you to research this."Dad went through a mid-life crisis, during which time he was very depressed"People do things when depressed that they won't do otherwise. Untreated and treated depression leads to all sorts of things happening, from suicide to simply bad interpersonal interactions. Some mental health drugs actually can lead to mental states that increase the risk of cheating. "thymoanesthesia" is one of these states."during which time SHE cheated on HIM."You know that they have both cheated. But, the why and the details you don't really know. What they do and why they do it doesn't really apply to you necessarily."but I also can't help but worry for myself. I don't know if that's selfish or not."This is normal, and not selfish."I can't help but fear the person I am going to become."Fear itself can lead you to become the person you don't want to be. Fear can literally destroy your ability to make rational decisions."but he did have a breakdown, and he did cheat on my mum."Understand that he may have deep seated issues that led to his cheating, poor self esteem, etc. He may have a history of abuse, neglect, etc. You may never know the whole story."there are far more great sides to them"They are human and deserve to be loved, just don't let them drag you into their drama."I never want to be a cheat."You don't have to be."My dad has been married twice and now both of his previous wives have cheated on him. He has cheated. Mid-life crisis..."Am I going to be cheated on by my future spouse?"This part you cannot control, and you have to accept this and realize it. You can only control yourself."Am I going to go on a downer and cheat on THEM?"Not if you take care, put the family first, and don't have major life crises that tear you down mentally and emotionally, or have drug reactions, drug or alcohol addictions, etc.It works best to understand why people cheat. Good people cheat. People cheat on people that they love. People cheat for all sorts of reasons, revenge, anger, illness, etc, etc, etc.Understand that you will be tempted...all of us are...and when we are tempted, and in a vulnerable state (whatever that is), that we are far more likely to cheat. But, you don't have to cheat.When you have a relationship, maintain the following things and it will help keep you from cheating. Honesty, openness, and willingness to work on issues and listen. However, the other person in the relationship has to maintain that as well. But, you cannot control them, keep that in mind.Things that destroy marriages/relationships are drinking, drugs, dishonesty, secret keeping, bad friends, and of course mental illness among others.In my marriage there has been infidelity. I married an attractive woman, very much so, and was happy with her. However, I work almost exclusively with women who are younger than me, attractive, and many of them accomplished and frequently well to do, often divorced or single. So, being not so bad looking, plus making a lot of money, I had plenty of opportunity. But, I tried to be the perfect husband, really, I did. I was there for every birthday, holiday, and never forgot an anniversary. So what happened?My wife had the affair, not me. She always thought I was going to leave her for one of these other women, was certain of it after we had kids, and years later, after her confession, and telling me this I was dumfounded. I couldn't figure out where she got this idea from (in counseling it was revealed that her father left them multiple times for other women and she figured I'd do it as well...in fact, she was sure I had but figured I'd never been caught).She felt dumpy, old, unattractive, got depressed, started drinking on top of her antidepressants, and self medicating with Marijuana on top of that, desperately trying to stave off this feeling. Then, this progressed, till she was drinking one night with a married acquaintance of ours, not a very nice guy, and he made the move and she responded. It made her feel on top of the world. Till she sobered up.Stay sober, stay well, take care of those you love, and forgive those you love as well if they slip.
A
female
reader, Star xxx +, writes (12 July 2011):
 I can totally understand why you are worried but what will be will be.
Just because your parents have done it does not mean you will too.
All couples go through rough patches at times some cheat some dont, I really believe that when you have been affected by something like that you do your pompey not to put anyone through it.
Take care Star formally Flowergirl xx
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A
female
reader, Fate100percent +, writes (12 July 2011):
If I knew the answer to that, I would be a millionaire ;-)
Seriously, though, you are your own person, with your own life, and even if your parents had a happy non cheating marriage, doesn't mean you would or wouldn't.
Some people cheat, and some don't, and the reasons for doing so are never black and white really. I don't think you are over-reacting, you are just a sensitive person. But hopefully, if you meet the right person and settle down you will share a happy life together. You can't control what your parents lives/relationships are only your own and how you wish to act in a relationship. Unfortunately there are no guarantees in relationships, sometimes good people make mistakes and cheat. Try not to worry about things too much and just enjoy life and the relationships you have to come :-)
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (11 July 2011):
 Even though you are a product of your parents this doesn't mean you are going to be exactly like them. Do you have the same job as your Dad? Do you have the same friends, lifestyle etc?
Just because your parents cheated on each other doesn't mean you will. In fact I would imagine you would be so sensitive to the pain it causes that you would never even contemplate it for yourself.
Relationships are hard work, they require sacrifices. You can NEVER take your relationship for granted. All the best.
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