A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so I'm around 19. I'm asian, and my family are catholic nuts. (No kidding, it's all they talk about)So lately i've been kind of stressed out because i recently got unemployed and looking for another job and school work was taking it's toll on me. I could barely sleep at night, my appetite just went down the drain because of all the stress, the only way i can have some relief if I masturbate at night. It keeps me distracted and it helps me sleep. The thing is, i have to wait until my whole family goes to sleep because we don't exactly live in a large house, so we have to share rooms. My mom, me and my little sister share a room (because my sister can't sleep unless my mom's there) and my dad sleeps in a room by himself (he used to share it with my mom) and my grandparents have a room to themselves.We have 1 bathroom and that seems to be the only place I can get some privacy, so I go there. But around 3 days ago, I got caught. Yes. Caught. And in the most embarrassing way possible. I was watching porn (with some headphones on) cause it helps me get off, but I guess I got a bit carried away a moaned a little too loud, and I guess my dad must've woken up to go to the bathroom or something, and heard it. Lets say he scared the living shit out of me. He was pounding on the door like I was dying in the bathroom and ripped the door open, breaking the lock on it and everything. And there I was in the bathroom, stark naked, masturbating to porn. And he was so furious, he grabbed my laptop and smashed it on the floor. (Well, there goes all my schoolwork too) my mom ran over to see what the commotion was, and yeah, she saw me stark naked as well and she went up and slapped me twice in the face and both of them kept yelling at me "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" and they kept sobbing, and saying how shameful they are and such. The more they kept talking the more I realized that they were getting the wrong idea. They thought I was prostituting myself on the internet for money. What the hell? I tried to explain to them that it was nothing like that, and that I was just masturbating to relieve stress. But them being hardcore Catholics and Asian, they just don't get it. Now they look at me as though I'm the dirtiest of the dirty. A complete scum. The think the devil must've possessed me for me to do such a thing. They said that i'm a sinner and that I must've done it because I didn't love them. I tried to explain to them about all the stress i've been feeling and how i've been trying so hard to look for another job. And what did they tell me? "A job? You could do any job. Even being a trash picker! Cause that's even cleaner then what ever the hell you were doing in there, what you did wasn't normal! You live in this catholic family and what you did was shameful, dirty, and evil."I don't even know anymore, this whole situation just blew out of proportion. Even though my parents constantly tell me they love me and stuff, the way they're acting tells me something else. They keep bringing up this situation, everyday. They won't look at me in the eye anymore, they pretty much think i'm some prostitute or some whore, my mom tries to make some effort to make conversation with me but she frequently just zones out like she always does when she's thinking and something's troubling her. My dad acts like I'm a stranger to him now. Since they're Catholics, they both want me to go to confession and confess my 'sins' to a priest so i can be 'pure' again. I didn't even think masturbation was a sin! I've never been so stressed out in my life, I don't even know what to do anymore, I have to constantly get out of the house because I have to somehow make up for all the work that was lost on my laptop, and I just can't stand being in a house where I'm treated like a dirty stranger. And knowing my parents I know they'll never forget this and they'll always keep bringing it up.I'm planning on going ahead and 'confess' my 'sins' to the priest today to see if it helps. Just one little mistake and I feel like i just completely ruined my relationship with my parents. I've been completely embarrassed and I still am. I just don't even know what to do anymore. I don't even know how to talk to them anymore. I don't have any close friends to talk to, but then again even if I did, I'd feel too embarrassed to talk to them about it. I just need some advice. Am I the one in the wrong? Or are my parents just overreacting? I'm pretty sure a lot of people masturbate whether they say so or not.
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male
reader, Cupid Boy  +, writes (26 September 2011):
 Wow. I almost hope this question is a joke because, having Catholic parents, it sounds like my worst nightmare. In your place, I would have died of embarrassment.
Yes, masturbation is still on the books as not only a sin but a mortal sin -- meaning that doing it just once is enough to condemn someone to Hell unless they confess it and gain absolution. "Masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action. The deliberate use of the sexual faculty, for whatever reason, outside of marriage is essentially contrary to its purpose" -- that is pretty much what the church has taught for the last two thousand years. Incidentally, the view originates from a time when the medical profession took a much dimmer view of masturbation. Far from considering it a natural sleep aid and stress reliever, doctors claimed it caused blindness, insanity, hairy palms, chronic fatigue, and depletion of vital energies -- none of which turned out to be true. For centuries it was also unknown just how common it was among people.
Jews, Muslims, and Buddhist monks are similarly forbidden from self-pleasuring, lest anyone try to claim that it's just puritanical Christians trying to spoil everyone's fun. Christians do believe that the body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, to be kept pure, and that masturbation disrespects and defiles it.
That is just to let you know where your parents are coming from. If they are "Catholic nuts," they have probably memorized the church's severe wording and unequivocal condemnation of masturbation as a "grave disorder". They believe this because that is what they were taught. Without passing judgment on their views, I can say they seriously overreacted, caused a horrific emotional scene, and set a lousy example of parenting. It's like when a comedian on TV told a masturbation joke and my dad became enraged, turned it off, and sent everyone out of the room. Such behaviour only gives kids unhealthy fixations about the thing that is supposed to be taboo and forbidden. Maybe overly strict religious upbringing is the reason conservatives are big consumers of porn, with the religious state of Utah being the biggest.
Anecdotal evidence suggests that if you confessed masturbation to several different priests, some would take a hardline stance against it while others would treat it as minor. So in practice, there is some flexibility and variation of opinion even among Catholic clergy. You wouldn't get as much sympathy for the porn though.
As faithful Catholics, your parents are not obliged, or technically even allowed, to accept masturbation, much less porn, as okay. They get their moral values from faith, not mainstream society, and that's fine. But it means you won't change their mind. Did you do anything wrong? You must answer that question based on your own morality and views about porn. You're old enough to make your own decisions, regardless of how much your parents want to make them for you.
Putting aside religious considerations for a moment, you did what you did in private, you locked the door, used headphones, waited until everyone else was asleep -- in other words, took every precaution against offending anyone. But your privacy was violated by your dad breaking through the door just to see what you were up to. Yes, they "caught" you in the act. But the way they did it is almost as bad as catching someone by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom. No one should forcibly enter a private space like that and be shocked to find someone naked inside.
Neither you nor your parents will ever forget this incident. But in time, it will blow over. Until then, I'd keep doing what you're doing and avoid them. Maybe join the athletic centre on campus which will have showers that are slightly more private than the one at home, just so no one barges in again. Sounds like your home has about as much privacy as the Big Brother house.
Even though you can't discuss what happened with anyone in real life, you can always message someone on here and talk to them. My best friend is from a Chinese Catholic family, so I know how strict Asian parents can be and how they act like their kids are an extension of them -- this idea that if you dishonour yourself, you dishonour the family as well.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2011): You have to accept that your parents will never change. So try to get along with them the best you can, but never forget that they are wrong for thinking masturbation is dirty and wrong. You are completely normal. Fortunately soon you'll be an adult and you can move away from you're parents' house.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2011): Yes your parents are over reacting....
I grew up in a Catholic family as well...I masturbated through-out my teenage years and I've been forced into having the most absurd discussions with my parents regarding sex. And I can vouch that when I was stressed with school work or looking for a job, I masturbated A LOT more to fill the time...so no, you're not alone in your habits.
It's probably no surprise to you that Catholic morality regarding sex is incredibly convoluted, hysterical, and internally conflicted. I dealt with a lot of the same BS from my parents. At heart, it's your parent passing their own sense of shame about sex on to you...and I probably don't have to tell you that in Catholic culture, a woman's sexuality is considered dirty, evil, and abnormal if it's not confined inside the envelope of marriage...any suggestion of female sexuality beyond something emulating the Virgin Mary warrants the label "whore"....frankly it's an insane and untenable role for any woman to live up to.
Getting angry about your masturbation is getting angry about NOTHING...Frankly, you aren't hurting anyone and frankly you could be doing a lot worse, like seeking risky sex from guys you run into at school. You might want to bring that up with your parents the next time they bring it up.
What happened to you sounds so traumatizing I don't want to tell you to forget about it and that it doesn't matter. You sound smart and put together...I'm sure you'll find a job at some point. I hope you just maintain your good sense and understand that what your parents are saying isn't true at all...I know it isn't easy right now.
I just finished reading a book you might enjoy and might enlighten you a little bit about your own experience. It's called "Sex at Dawn." Obviously, you might have it hide it from your parents, but it's a good read and informative about some of what you might be going through.
Keep your head up and good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2011): Masturbation is normal. What your lacking though is communication. As embarrassing as it might be, you need to sit them down and let them know that you were not selling yourself over the internet. They may be more understanding, and if you don't clear this up with them, it will prolly come back to bite you in the ass for a long while...Just be clear and straight with them. There's absolutely nothing wrong with masturbating, but that's not exactly what their interpretation of the situation is...Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, cmarieky +, writes (24 September 2011):
You're totally Normal. And its natural and safe. I honestly wish you could go to college and actually live on campus. Maybe you can transfer schools and get some workstudy. You may or may not have to get loans but u do need to be away from your family as u grow into adulthood. You're no baby so u should have your freedom and privacy but the only way I see that happening is if u leave home for college. That's what I did, worked out great. When I finished college I moved into my own townehome in the city I attended college. My home town is about 200 miles away. Hopefully something good comes along for you bc u do not need someone even relatives judging you. Best Wishes
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A
female
reader, Libra1963  +, writes (24 September 2011):
 Masturbation is not a sin. It is natural. We all do it - even your parents. I feel what was most embarrassing was the way they caught you. It could have been worst. You could have been having full blown sex with a girl in the house - now that would have been embarrassing.
I feel you should take to your parents and explain how you feel and that its nature.
They are the ones who need to go to confession, not you. They have been very hard on you. Remember they have sexual gruges as well.
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