A
female
age
36-40,
*azedConfused
writes:Let me start by saying my partner and I are 27 and 28. We have pretty much the perfect relationship. We never argue, fight, lie or hide anything from eachother. We are so happy together. We have had problems in the past from outside influences but this has never affected how we are as a couple. We always talk about everything.The problem I have is with his parents. We have had issues with them since the begining. He was newly out of a relationship when we got together and he come with me to live abroad. His parents were most upset by this. Over the years hed accumulated alot of debt (40k) to them which they had told him he didnt need to pay back anytime soon. As soon as they found out he was coming with me they wanted all of their money back. This was almost an impossible task and they new it. However, they were paid back.There are so many little things ie, I added his mum on FB just to be friendly as I would with anyone and she declined my request and then told him that she thought it was best. However, She insists on going on my FB page and reading everything she can see and making judgements. We have went back and visited them on a few occasions. The first occasion didnt go well at all. I felt like I was being judged from the first second I met them. However, I said nothing. Just before our second trip back to renovate his house. His mother has sent an email telling him they would prefer it if he come back alone without me. As his job is we only spend 6 months of the year together for 3 weeks at a time. We like to spend as much time together as possible. Obviously this upset us both. After this he sent an email basically telling them how he felt about it etc. We all decided to have a fresh start. When we were over I could see they were making effort with us, but they still insisted on making judgements on me for various reasons. I was also doing some business whilst we were there. I received an invoice for something and his mother started to pry asking if he was paying for my business. I felt this completely out of line and absolutely none of her business. I understand that she is concerned but we are both adults in a committed relationship. And I am an accountant and very good with money, but for some reason she seems to think I want his money. There has been alot went on that would be to much to type. But what is comes down to is they are very judgemental and intrusive.The latest is we decided to try for a baby. I am now 3 months pregnant. We told them at the earliest point we could. The response from them was soooo far out of this world I cant bring myself to talk to them. His father said he was disgusted and disowned him. We recieved an email with various things wrong with us both... Eg me going to the salon every 6 weeks, the fact we had been going out alot, and the fact we didnt consult them first. They stressed that they didnt know me and that they should have had more time with the person who is to be the mother of their grand child. As we are living abroad they said it was selfish of us to have a baby when they will miss out on things like first steps, first words etc. I dont know about anyone else but i think they had their time with their own children. This is our family. This I have kind of come to terms with and accepted that this is the way they are, we live abroad and I dont need to be part of it. which is sad, Im a very warm person, I love my partner and really wanted a good relationship with his family. They are acting like I am not good enough. I am educated, a good person, I look good. I dont know what more they could want for him. I really do support him 100% in everything I have been there through problems with his ex wife, Ive always stood by him. My issue is how can I forget all this, my child will be born in 6 months. We have to visit in 2 months and I just feel that I can not bring myself to be in their company. My partner is very understanding, and everytime we go I say I cant go back. But then I try for his sake. But this time... After this email that was so judgemental and spoke like I wasnt good enough (which I am secure enough to know is not true) I just dont think I can let this go and pretend to like these people. I am a very honest person, I stay away from people I dont like and cant pretend to enjoy peoples company when I dont. But my child will be here soon enough and my partner doesnt need me to not like his parents. I dont know how many chances to give, how can i forget the hurtful things the have said. Reading this back doesnt even come close to explaining how horrendous the situation actually is. I have never met such rude, blunt and judgemental people. I am a very confident person and never been made to feel so belittled in my life. I just dont know how to handle the situation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): Firstly - utter sympathy for you on this- they sound so horrid!Also- it sounds like you have an excellent relationship with your partner which must make you very happy- as well as the excitement of your new baby on the way!In terms of his folks... the odd thing is that they're acting like they hold all the cards. They don't.You live abroad and can choose if and when you visit them with their new grandchild. I know it’s not fair to use a child against their grandparents, but I think it might help to show them your hand and your priorities.Would it be possible for your partner to explain to them (possibly not in written form), -That they have and are being extremely rude, judgemental, offensive and hurtful to you both (with evidence if needs be).-As a result you don't feel comfortable spending time with them.-IF they want to enjoy and share in their grandchild's life, they better find a way to persuade you that they're not the horrid selfish judgemental people they have been acting like.After all, you wouldn't want the child to suffer the bad atmosphere... You've tried over and over again, and you have to put yourself and the child inside of you first at this point. So make it clear to them that, at this point- the ball's wholly in their court if they want to make it as a happy family.
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (19 May 2013):
''Got Issues'' and ''No Nonsense Aidan'' have summed this up in one. you are lucky to be away from them and they are being unfair. you just cant please some people and they sound like they will always find fault with something. if your partner is an only child they may be very attached to him but part of good parenting is letting your child go when they are mature and capable of independance. keep this great relationship up by communicating with your partner about your feelings, good luck
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A
female
reader, DazedConfused +, writes (19 May 2013):
DazedConfused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI made the typo of husbands!! I meant husband!!!
Also here - I cant understand how easy it would be for a son to be blinded by it all and not back up their partner.
Its can not cant :)
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A
female
reader, DazedConfused +, writes (19 May 2013):
DazedConfused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice. You confirm that I am not completley unreasonable.
The problem is my partner has sent a couple of long email basically telling them that they are trying to control his life and that he feels he cant come to them with for advice or tell them anything because they force their opinions on him. Every emails reinforces how much he loves me and how happy I make him. He is an absolute star, I cant understand how easy it would be for a son to be blinded by it all and not back up their partner.
He has had chats with them, Ive had chats with them. Ive hugged his Mum when she was crying about her worry for him and assured her I am taking care of him.
How many chats can we have? After this whole thing with the baby, its just so hard to forgive. They were told the reason we were trying now was because I have had problems with pregnancy with my ex husbands, and still the refused to understand. After the hurtful email which wasnt just against me is was against my partner and unborn child that I want more than anything. It just hurt so much that I dont know how to be forgiving enough to pretend it wasnt said. They have since said they will just have to accept things etc... WTF Like they were doing us a favour. All I see is selfish feelings and it makes it difficult for me to even contemplate being in a room with them. I know I have to, but dont know how to forgive it
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (19 May 2013):
 Calling someone selfish for getting pregnant while living in a country so that you as a grandparent may miss out on the first words and first steps is one of the most ridiculous and selfish things I have heard. Access to grandchildren is a privilege, not a right. How about them making some effort to visit their son and future grandchild? Why do you always have to go to them?
It's a good thing you live in another country. Think what it would be like if they lived down the road and were involved in your child's, and therefore your life. The further away, the better, by the sounds of it.
You've tried hard to be nice to them, you've made more effort than many people would have (I wouldn't have gone back after the second time, personally) and they continue to criticise you and try to control their son. They can't accept that he's grown up and doesn't need them the way he used to.
As you say, you and he and your unborn baby are now a family. Concentrate on that family. Let your guy's parents be his problem. You've tried. If they want to see their grandchild (which, I reiterate, is not their legal right) then they can come to you. If they make no effort then they can't complain.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (19 May 2013):
They are being totally unreasonable. It’s clear that you have shown great sensitivity towards them, and understanding of the fact that they are acting out of love for their son, or at least have done in the past, so that you have not reacted badly to their unreasonable behaviour. However, the more one reads of this post, it is clearly evident that their own concerns, and not those of their son, are at the heart of this nasty behaviour. I’m sure that sometimes their son (and grandchild soon), feels far away from them, but it is easier than ever to keep in touch from long distances now. In any case you don’t have kids only to stop them from living their own life and making their own choices whenever you don’t like them or it puts your nose out of joint.
You and he will probably need to talk together about how you’re going to manage the upcoming visit. IT does sound like the time has come for a conversation with his parents, either to get it off your chest how they have made you feel, or, if you can grit your teeth and ignore it as the nonsense it is, to say that the one thing you all have in common is a wish to do right by the son and future grandchild you all care so much for. It takes a big person to acknowledge that you will always have differences but to commit to keeping civil for the sake of what you all have in common. If your partner can support you in having that discussion, even if it is held prior to the visit, great. Talk and plan it together. It’s good that he is supportive of you.
Finally, congratulations on your happy news.
I wish you all the very best.
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