A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 21, living with my parents, working full-time, and a college student. I only have a few friends to start off because I enjoy being alone most of the time. I love spending time online. Because of that, I met this girl from another state, she's 29---got two kids and is married. We spent most of our time online chatting. Until I knew that she isn't inlove with her husband at all because of the fact that she was forced into a marriage with him by her mom. To make the story short, because of our constant chatting, we eventually fell in love with each other. It has been an emotional rollercoaster for the both of us because I knew I am the "second" man. I had to deal with so much insecurity in the relationship there was a point I was about to give up but just can't. I am so insecure because she sometimes tells me she doesn't feel loved by me, and that she wish I possess some qualities of her husband (her husband is financially stable and I am not coz I still go to college). There is no way I could compare myself with this guy. By the way, her husband is almost 50, and i'm only 21!!What's painful is I don't want her to be with him AT ALL. But because of her situation (no house/apartment to live in), she has to stay with him although she wants to get away from him. I want to support her all the way but I don't know how because like i said, i'm too broke..Thanks in advance for all your advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2007): I'll be the voice of reason here and say LEAVE THE WOMAN ALONE. She has kids by her husband and she is still married to her husband. Your relationship is adultery. Do you understand she is committing adultery with you against her husband? We can't help that she doesnt love her husband. You being there for her emotional needs when it is HER HUSBAND'S job to take care of that is wrong. You have to cut this affair off. Find a woman who lives near you and you can meet and be close to. Don't mess with another man's woman.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (21 July 2007):
 I am not surprised that you feel on an emotional rollercoaster...you have gotten yourself into a near impossible situation. I agree with all the comments made by the agony aunts here as they are all very valid points but I also want to add something. This woman who you claim to be so deeply in love with appears to be playing on your emotions.
You really have to open your eyes wide and see that she has no intention of leaving her husband. You don't say if you have even met her for real (if you haven't then you cannot assume that any kind of real life loving relationship has even started yet, and if you have, you have to accept that you are indeed partaking in adultery, as the other agony aunts have said).
Believe me, if this woman were really really unhappy with her marital situation, she would find a way to put it to an end. By stating to you that sometimes she doesnt feel loved by you and doesn't feel you can give her the same as her husband, she is just using you for an emotional boost. Maybe there are things she is lacking from her marriage, but that doesn't give her the right to get someone else emotionally involved, just to make herself feel better.
Do yourself a massive favour, ditch this woman and her problems (if she really loves you, she will find a way to be with you for real)Get some good friends around you and go out and have fun. Your at college and have your whole life ahead of you, so don't be too quick to sink yourself into someone elses worries.
Good luck to you
Aunty Em x
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (21 July 2007):
 No body has to stay in a relationship that they are unhappy in anymore, there are various different services out there especiallt when you have children to help you get out and start a new life.
Maybe you should consider the possibilty that she actually does not want to leave her husband at all and maybe the fact she told you she was forced into the marriage is just all fiction to make you feel sorry for her and not so guilty about what you are doing.
You're 21, for your own sake stop this illusion that you are under and move on and find someone that is not married, i'm not trying to put you down or anything but i have been on the recieving side of an affair and it's not nice at all, so i think you need to consider her husbands feelings in all of this because he might well be totally innocent.
You should not try and compare yourself to her husband as you are a completely different person to him and if that is how she is making you feel that you should compare yourself then she is definately not the right person for you.
Take care.xx.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2007): I agree with Eddie and have to say it is sad that you have such disregard for the sanctuitute of marriage. You're just a kid, yet you're destroying the lives of multiple people here, not just the women or her husband but also their children and any other close family. It is quite perverse how you have manipulated this situation in to actually justifying it as a valid relationship in which you seem to have rights and expectations.You say you feel like you don't compare. That is because you don't compare. How could you? She may tell you she is unhappy, but that is a completely different thing than actually considering you as any kind of "replacement" for what her husband has, and can give her. You need to grow up and learn the difference between a person who is in a long-term relationship who is desiring attention and affection and someone who genuinely loves and wants to be in a committed relationship. This women is the former - she is missing something in her marriage and you are just fulfilling that missing piece.You are in for a serious, prolonged amount of serious pain if you expect this relationship to go anywhere. I really strongly advice you stop breaking up this marriage. If not for your own selfish gain but for the unnecessary pain you are inevitably going to cause to the innocent people involved in all this. You should check your conscience, surely, when you remove your own desires to be loved you will see this situation for what it really is.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (21 July 2007):
 Not only are you broke, you're joining in adultery. Don't try to justify you adulteress's poor choices (and yours) by tearing down the husband. Unless he's a horrible person, and so far all the information indicates he's not the rotten one, you tow have created the situation.
I always sigh when I see a question like this. You're sitting on the side lines, passing judgment and asking the best way to destroy a marriage. It's as if your heads in the clouds. Hello !!!! We're on earth. The fact you feel insecure about your "relationship" is kind of ironic. Your problems arise out of the fact your lady is obligated to spend time with her HUSBAND ?? Is this correct? Well no kidding. Until they're separated...THEY'RE MARRIED!!
If this woman is so unhappy, let her figure it out on her own. Then and only then can she be with you. At this point, you don't deserve her. She needs to get the strength to leave him, if it's as bad as she says.
I'm sure that's not the news you want to hear but people love to twist improper actions (cheating) to fit the scenario they're in. You wouldn't steal your neighbors car if you needed to get to work. Why would you steal someones wife?
Tell
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