A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend of 4 months has gone on a business trip for 5 days and i bought him a going away present and card to read on the plane, but when i opened the front zip on his suitcase to put them in i found a handful of condoms scattered in the bottom of that section. my stomach turned inside out i was almost sick, i told him you know i dont normally go through your things but i wanted to hide the card an present so it would be a surprise when got to italy. he then said that he hadnt nothing to hide the condoms have been there since his last trip when we werent together an he even forgot they were there. he also said if he wanted to hide them they wouldnt have been in the front of his suitcase so anyone could find them,he said if he really wanted to have sex with people he could buy condoms abroad. also i asked him where exactly is he staying and who with? he said a male friend in milan but he didnt tell me his name. i sat in silence listening to him pleading his innocence but he could see the shock disgust on my face, so he said it might be better if he waited for his airport taxi at his own place instead of mine. i replied if you want to go its because you want to not because i asked you to.we layed down on my bed and he had his arms tightly around me but i couldnt hold him back i was still in shock.he always tells me he finds it hard to trust women because he's had alot of bad expriences in the past,women either cheat on him or they just dont trust him and he wonders why? he text me as soon as he reached the airport and also when he arrived in millan to give me his flight details but he never gave me a telephone number where i could reach him he just said he's having trouble with the network and he'll call me today when he gets a italian sim card. before he left he told me how much he loves me but it didnt make me feel good all i could think of was the condoms ..etci really wanted to give it a go with him but when i think about yesterday i feel numb.i told him i didnt want to spoil his holiday but i think we better call it quits an possible we can remain friends, he said if the roles were reverse that he would be believe me. when he calls me today i dont know what i'll say but i dont think we have a future because the trust is gone. please give me some advice, shall i call it quits or give him a chance?
View related questions:
condom, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (23 July 2007):
 With this added info, I think he's playing you. Dump him, you sound miserable.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (23 July 2007):
 You know.....hmmmmm...just a question,....don't you think your original post was a little light on details?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): hi all, thanks for the advice again. but i particularly wanted to answer to wild thaing advice.we'll because i didnt tell you all the full story about why i finished with him before. i actually started to see him last year november but he was a total nightmare. there were many times we had made arrangement to go out, so i got ready an waited for him to pick me up,when 1hour passed i thought maybe he was busy or it slipped his mind,but when i called his phone it would always be switched off,this happened so many times i got sick of it.he also doesnt like dancing or eating out only when he's abroad like in spain/switzerland that he enjoys all these things because the people are more welcoming.he knows that i enjoy socalising but yet when his so called uni friends invite him out he always says he has to go becuse they'll be offended but he never invites me.but when ever im asked out i always invite him but he insists on driving me there and offers to pick me and thats not before he checks out who im meeting. there were also times when he said he was coming over so i cooked dinner an he'd call at the last minute and say he's feeling tired and could we make it another day. he attends uni and also does placement in a local hospital as a trainee nurse,he has never introduced me to his friends because he says they're just work colleagues.but if i call him an his not at home he always says im at a colleague house doing revision but he doesnt really tell me anyones name.ive introduced him to some of my friends and even my family an the girl who was my bestfriend at the time said she didnt like him because there was something about him that she didnt trust, she even asked if she could play a trick on him to see if he'd take the bait but i refused. infact we actually fell out because she said that i can do better than i man who is only on minimum wage who doesnt own his own place. she even told me that the first time i introduced him to her that he touche her hand suggestively,i did confront him about it an he said why would she make up a story like that,he said the only time he held her hand was infront of me and if he did hold her hand inapropriately it wasnt intentionally.im self employed an i havent told him that the house that i live in is mine,he thinks its my parents house that i live in when they're abroad.the first month i met him he asked me if he could move in and i told him that anyone who lives with me will have to pay rent as im self employed i have to be careful with my outgoings. i finally called it a day in feb this year because i felt this wasnt what i wanted from a relationship and he said he really had to concentrate on his studies an keep his head down and right now he cant be the person he feels i wanted him to be,so i wished him all the best and i started to get on with my life,but the following month march he called to wish me happy birthday from spain? yes this is the same man who said he wouldnt have time to do anything else except study.when he came back from spain he started to bombarded me with phone call after phone call and constanly knocking on my door,i said i was happy being his friends but then one thing led to another and we ended up together again.this time it felt different he seemed less selfish and more considerate we even talked about the future together an when he's qualified an earning enough we can settle down and have a family together.yes i do feel alot for him but there is somthings he still does that make me have doubts,his phone constantly rings be it 12 midnight when were alseep to 2.30 in the morning...etc yet he always answers it saying its a colleague at work asking about revision/uni an work or someone ringing from his country abroad,yet often when i call him his phones goes straight to voice mail or he doesnt answer saying he had no network.he says he's not a jealous guy but whenever my phone rings and i say a male name he make jokes about me not forgetting to take a packet of condoms to my business meetings which i find insulting and ive told him so on many occassions but he still does it.
well today was my first phone call from him and he started off by sayin that he was havin dinner with his mum which i know not to be true because his mother is dead,but he explained this women was like a sort of step mum an they hadnt seen each other in 10years. but when i asked him about the friend he was staying with when he arrived he evaded the question and asked if id like to speak his step mum who he told my name but he never mentioned hers,when she got on the phone she introduced herself as a good friend of his.when i finished talking to her he asked if i was ok and how was the rest of the family but to be honest it felt like small talk,he then said that he'll be back very early on the wednesday 25th but he wont be able to stay he justs wants to collect his car keys because he's got a very early lession at the gym. i dont know what to make of it but my gut feeling isnt good and now ive told you all alot more than before what do you think?
...............................
A
female
reader, ladybug  +, writes (23 July 2007):
 were the condoms is the basis of your relationship? nahhyou are having doubts because you love him, but dont let this doubts ruin your relationship, your dirty suspicions will lead you nowhere, he had explain his part,now give him a chance, besides you should be proud of it! look at the bright side, he uses condoms means he practice safe sex! =)dont worry honey, believe me he loves you, i believe that its very normal for you to feel that way because both of you were only 4 months committed, stay with him more and discover wonderful characters of your partner.
...............................
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (22 July 2007):
 Why don't you believe him? That is really the question.
What has happened in your past to act in such an untrusting and paranoid way?
If you have already concluded he has intentions of cheating then anything you observe will only serve to validate your bias. For instance, not asking how you were doing is inconsiderate, but you have managed to blow it up to "he must be thinking about cheating".
If he left some dirty laundry laying about, you would conclude that he is doing it because he is thinking about cheating on you. Ridiculous logic, but your obsessive mind isn't far off from that level of paranoia.
You have trust and self-esteem issues that pre-date your relationship with this current guy. Until you turn yourself into someone who can trust and can be comfortable in your own skin, you will singlehandedly destroy every relationship in your life.
You can save your current relationship by having some faith in your boyfriend. Based on what you have told us, you have presented NO proof that he is being unfaithful. Good luck and take care.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (22 July 2007):
You've already painted a picture in your head of all the worse scenarios and chose to believe them. He doesn't stand a chance. You also said "he never once asked how I am".....don't try to minimize the fact he called. His call was, in itself, asking how you were.
It seems though you've pegged him as guilty. You're letting your mind run away on you. I guess you have to make a big decision. Don't blame him though, you're acting on a suspicion, you have no proof.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhello to all who replied to my question, id like to thank you for the good comments and advice. im still having doubts and id like to say since he's been in italy he has text'd me twice, friday nite aat 10.30 to say that he's phone net work was not fuctioning properly and this morning at 2.30am to say he's friend lent him a phone and he wanted to say that he's ok. he never once asked me how i am? or that he'll call me on a certain day. my gut feeling is not positive at all because im immaging him with someone else .....etc. what the hell happened to using a pay phone and why cant he call me? is this friend with no name possibly a woman and not a man. he'll be back on the 25th july and as much as i wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt my gut feeling is saying to end it.should i wait and see or what he has to say when he gets back or if he calls not to respond to he's calls then maybe he'll get the picture. he always tells me what a lovely woman i am but talk is cheap so it seems. right now in my life i really dont want to be having a bad relationship with anyone,be it friend or partner and what i would've put up with my past relationships i really cant replay that again. it not that i'm not going to work at relationships with people its just if its too much hard work i'v got so much to deal with in my life at present to be with someone right now we either have to enhance each others life or what is it all for.i welcome anyones comments be it male or female and i must thank everyone again for their advice. x
...............................
A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (21 July 2007):
 Wait and see what he has to say when he phones you again before you make any decisions as you could well regret it, ok i'm not in your situation and i know nothing about either of you but it does sound perfectly plausible everything he has had to say so far, if you have not had any reason to doubt him before this then i think you should give him a chance.
Take care.xx.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (21 July 2007):
This is a situation where you can prove nothing. He could buy condoms anywhere, true. He could also have thrown some in his bag, not expecting you to look. Either way makes sense.
If there was nothing else in that part of the bag, at all, then I'd tend to believe him. You'd think he's put them with his toiletries. The truth is you can figure this in a million directions. You'll never know. You'll also drive yourself crazy imagining all the possible scenarios. By the way, they will all make sense too. The problem is this, he can never prove he didn't have an bad intention. How do you prove that?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2007): i travel a lot now and have the same bag with the same stuffin it.i have been in bad relationships and really it has left me distant from females which means i cant stay with them long for fear of rejection and so look for future partners while in a relationship i know you care for him a lot but if you dont trust him now where will it end up?
...............................
|
