A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm having an issue....I have been seeing this guy (we'll call him Randy) for a while now, and I'm starting to wonder if the age difference is going to take a toll on our relationship. He's 41 and I'm lets just say younger. Well, heres the problem, he's so much older then I am that he thinks everything is supposed to be done by the man. meaning every decision is his to make. He's very controlling, some examples would be that he deleted every email account that I have, he made me get a new yahoo in which I am ONLY allowed to have Him, and a few girls, but NO other guys, and I cant leave my house without him thinking that I'm out looking for men to talk to, and have sex with, and I cant wear makeup or he thinks I'm trying to look sexy for other men. This is really starting to get on my nerves, and I dont know what to do. Just to make everything clear, I am legal in the state of Michigan, therefore he's not breaking any laws, but it's just really getting to me that I cant go anywhere without him getting mad. Can someone please give me some advice here? Is the age gap too much for this? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (14 September 2008):
 Well sweetheart if he is such good friends with your mum doesn't she see what is going on here and advise you properly?
Are you trying to keep your mum happy by staying with this man?
OK so you can't work due to your condition but surely you have a certain level of income from incapacity to work and you should not be made to feel like you have no other option than to move away or stay with this man. Yes he is taking advantage of the situation and to tell you that you are rubbish in bed is just mean and spiteful, that is not someone who loves and cares for you but someone who is a user and will always be a user, perhaps the real truth here is that he was told he was rubbish in bed by one of these older women so he prays on younger women to make himself feel good about how much of a stud he is in the bedroom and this has nothing to do with your performance levels.
Think about it, if you were that bad in bed why would he stay with you, I think this is all about him controlling you and the relationship.
What would be the worst to happen if you split with him, you don't talk OK anyone can handle that. You are not saying he can't be friends with your mum but talk to your mum about this and let her know how unhappy you are, surely her daughter is much more important than this man in her life, why is it that he has got so close to your mum, is that the way in which they see that your relationship is so fantastic so that it keeps them happy but to hell with what you feel.
No one should be forced to stay in a relationship if they don't want to and if the man in this relationship is making you feel bad then why stay in it.
You are still very young and you have your whole life ahead of you, say you don't want to be in a relationship right now as you need some space for you, that does not mean that you have to move out. Don't stay in a relationship just because it is convenient, regain your strength and let your mum know how you feel sweetheart, she may not be aware at all as he may paint a whole different picture to her so she doesn't know the truth of how he behaves with you.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2008): Sounds like it. He is also a control freak! Get out now, you are not his girl friend, you are his hostage, yuck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, i know it has nothing to do with him mother, being as she died when he was 6, the problem I have with cutting ties, is that he's my moms best friend, so it's kinda hard not to see him. Also, I dont know whats wrong with me here, but from some reason I feel loved when he controls me like that, it's kind of like the submissive role, I think something is seriously wrong with me in that regard. As for other older women not putting up with his bull, I've asked him about that, and he was really mean about it saying things like, "maybe I should go back to one of them then, because you dont even satisfy me in bed" blah blah blah..........so to make a long story short, the only way I could think to cut ties with him is to move I guess, but the problem with that is that I have no money, no job, and no car. I cant drive or work because I have epilepsy, along with some other mental issues, i was wondering if he's taking advantage of the fact that I have so many issues, and that I cant work, so he can control me even more than he already is. Thanks for the help though, I appreciate it greatly.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (13 September 2008):
I have to say I agree with every other bit of advice you have received from everyone.
Age aside for a minute NO one should be in a relationship if they have to have the upper hand all the time. How dare he delete your email accounts and only have access to him and a couple of female friends, he is controlling your liberty here and that just isn't on.
The makeup thing is ridiculous as well, I bet when you first met him you were wearing makeup and that added to the attraction for him, he is being hypocritical as he views the makeup as an added tool to make you the beautiful person you are so he is now saying don't look so beautiful to others only to me and a woman needs her makeup to define who she is. It is the whole part of who we are. As we grow up we experiment with makeup and hair and clothes and NO one should tell us we can't do that anymore.
I agree about breaking up with him as he is a lot older than you and he is acting like a very overprotective FATHER rather than a boyfriend. How does your parents view this relationship and has your own father ever controlled you in this way at all in your life or even your mum?
I would certainly break up in a public place with a least one female and male friend there so that they can step in if things do get out of control. You cannot continue your life constantly looking over your shoulder to see whether he is watching you and analysing everything you do in your life.
We have one life and so I think he would be much better off with someone nearer his own age, however he knows for sure he wouldn't get away with controlling an older woman so he obviously feels that a younger woman is much easier to manipulate and do things his way.
Do you know much about this man and whether his own relationship with his mother was focused on how she dressed and appeared to men. It could well stem back to those days or previous girlfriends who perhaps cheated on him and this is all about his own insecurities. He needs help and perhaps suggesting some counselling for him would be good but I would not sit around and wait for him to straighten himself out as this could take years and you are young and you need to live your life. I am not saying go around and sleep with everyone but you are sensible and you know good from bad and that is why your own alarm bells are ringing in your head now.
Move on with your life and cut the ties as it will only get worse if you leave it to carry on the way it is right now. The bonds and restrictions would only get stronger and most certainly abusive behaviour could well become violent if you break any of his rules. We live by rules in own homes from our parents and also in school/college but not in a loving relationship that is all about give and take and right now he is the one doing all the taking and not giving anything in return.
Good luck sweetheart and let us know how you get on.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (13 September 2008):
 This sounds really really REALLY unhealthy. At the center of a good relationship is ... trust. And he clearly doesn't trust you. He is jealous and controlling, like you say.
I agree with Aunty Em. You should probably get out. And men like this have a habit of turning nasty: imagine what would happen if you just by chance did talk to a guy (perfectly innocently) and he saw or heard. Would you feel safe?
You have two choices:
The first is to get your old email accounts back (without him having access), and be allowed to do what you want to do, when you want to do it. And he's not allowed to complain about it or try to control you.
Or you leave him.
Anything else is just going to get worse and worse, until he has you locked in an upstairs bedroom with no phone or internet connection.
Good luck to you. Stay strong.
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A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (13 September 2008):
 This is the beginning of a very abusive situation, where no doubt eventually he will become physically violent towards you (if you break one of his rules). He's not mentally stable if he thinks these are reasonable limits to set on a person. Of course relationships need limits, or they wouldn't be relationships but he's trying to control every bit of your life, it's classically abusive. So yes, it is 'too much' but I'm not sure if it's the age gap that's the problem so much as it is that the man you're seeing is a bit of a psycho. Get out ASAP before you find yourself too deep in to work your way through the fog. Do it in a public place and arrange to meet up with a friend immediately afterwards so that if things go bad, you don't have to face him on your own.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Em +, writes (13 September 2008):
 Are you happy, honestly?
You're well aware that a relationship isn't supposed to be like that - they're about give and take, fifty fifty each way! Your partner has it all.
I think the reason he is so controlling is because he finds you utterly beautiful, and precious! But, he really does push that too far.
Age gap or not, he shouldn't treat you like that. I think you should get out while you can.
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