A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Please let me know what you think about my situation... any comments or advice are appreciated :)I found out the day after valentines day that my nonexclusive bf of 11 months has secretly still been engaged with his on and off Fiance. Apparently she has some control over him and leaves whenever she pleases and wont come back for weeks-even months when they get in an arguement (he proposed to her in 07). Well i guess during the period of her leaving and coming back he gotten so used to it and started sleeping with other women. However when i first met him in march at work we would spend lunch and text alll day and night- we eventually became very close and connected and we started taking are relationship to the next level by spending more weekend time together. Even tho he still lives with his parents due to financial reasons the "Fiance" decides to show up wenever she wants and it seems that he allowed it. I guess the parents have a good relationship with her and his mother is very picky about who he brings home and he told me the only reason why i havent met the parents was because of the mother being too protective. Well actually NO its because the fiance was still around and he didnt wana have a bad look or get caught up especially if he has 2 women going to his parents house- (which is why i would only go over when they werent there or at night). I cant say i was 100% faithful with him either because yes we were non exclusive and i WAS dating my ex on and off the first 5 months of me n fonzy dating- but i knew were my heart was set and i couldnt help myself but fall in love with him so i stopped communication with my ex and pursued fonzy with my all. The only reason WHY i was still with my ex while me n fonzy were dating because he would give me mixed signals. One day he would be sweet and the next he would be a asshole out of no where....My gut would always tell me that hes hiding something I just thought its because it could be MY insecurities or that hes the reserved very private non emotional type- Welll it looks like he was having his cake and eating it too- he was balancing me and her with his life. She NEVER enjoyed to go to his baseball games or hang out with his friends and everything had to be done her way. But with me im all about going with the flow and havin a good time- oh did i mention im 21? and the so called fiance is 30? Fonzy is 30 as well. But anways i enjoy spending time with him no matter where we are. He eventually told me he loved me first not to long ago proboaly around november and when he told me that I knew i had to do more in order for him to give me his all and not just half of him- because it just didnt seem right in my heart. Slowly but surely he started opening more in more with me and I just thought it had to take some time. Please remember that during this 11 months of us dating i STILL had no idea about the other chick, i mean he would mention stories about how crazy-unhappy, controlling, psycho, and miserable the relationship was when he was with her and that Im the one who truely makes him happy and feels comfortable in his own skin- but with her it was like walking on egg shells. I guess hes gotten so used to there 10 yr on n off relationship he just stopped caring and wanted to pursue me but didnt know how to speak up and END it with her for good as he claims. Well the reason i know all of this is because the "fiance" called me the day after valentines when i was on my way to see fonzy. I always get blocked calls but never really answered them- anyways when i answered she made it clear she was his fiance. My heart dropped and i was talking to her for a good 30 min. She gave me alot of details about things through out the year that I was never able to add two and two together until NOW.. and because i respect fonzy privacy I never went thruu his cell phone/ bedroom while he was in the shower- I just didnt feel I had to go through his things, I MADE myself believe I didnt need to or ASK questions when I shouldve- Well of course she attended his family gatherings, bbq's, bday parties, mothers/fathers day.. ( because we didnt have that exclusive relationship i didnt feel entitled that i needed to spend time with his fam thats why it never bugged me. Ugh well now that i know the truth about what he did in the beginning of our early months its really hurtful and I know i kinda did the same but i nver slept with my ex and i would only hang out with him if i had no plans with fonzy or my girls- shady right? i know!! but i require alot of attention and fonzy just wasnt putting in work like he claimed he did) However during thanksgiving, christmas and new yrs he was with me!!!!! All this just didnt make sense to me and i only had 30 min to soak all this info before i met up with him. She told me that the reason why she wasnt around or in her words "feel her presence" was because she would put him on 'timeout" and come and go when she wanted if they got into an arguement. She also made it clear that he cheated on her more then once. Even got a woman pregnant-which is a totally another story ...and he NEVER told me he had a child which is something Im absolutely hurt about because i love kids and it wouldnt have bugged me at all. So to make this story as short as possible- I confronted fonzy about him and the "fiance" current engagment status and that she called me and told me all those things. He told me shes a liar and shes obsessed and that he never told his fam about the situation he was goin with her because he didnt want them getting involved and it was clearly HIS buisness. Also he doesnt like confrontation or drama- which he tries to avoid as much as possible but by him not doin anything hes ALLOWING the psycho to come back and be in his life because she automatically has that will to since his fam thinks there still engaged. ALSO that his baby mama is crazy and she did some shady things to his family thats why he hasnt been able to see his daughter because she has this anger still that he chose the Fiance over her. UGH draaamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!I dont know whats worse? knowing all this now and still remaining fonzys gf or him hiding and keeping all these lies from me? I wonder if he would ever have came clean with me if the "fiance" never did make contact with me.. That night when i confronted fonzy about this whole ordeal. I broke up with him and didnt make contact with him until a few days later. i also went to dinner with the psycho "fiance"- YES i did... she is not all that- let me tell you- her energy was soo unbalanced i was beginning to go crazy listening to her talk shit about fonzy all night and yet she still wears the engagment ring because "its a fine piece of jewlery" or the fact that she allowed him to be with me through out this year (YES- she knew of me and never made contact before- WEIRD right?? although she claims she TRIED too) While i was listening to her i was soaking in so much information and letting her talk all night- she talked about how educated she is and that fonzy is a piece of shit/dead beat dad/ liar-blah blah blah ...AND getting waaay to personal with the SEX talk between them through out the relationship.... but at the end of he little rampage she said she loves him. Im just sitting there laughing in my head like this girl has some serious issues and I dont know how fonzy could be with someone like that? she was describing this total different man then how he is with me. I love to give my man all my attention and make him feel loved and needed. Apparently she doesnt like the "lovey dovey shit" (her words) Well I mean I was doing a great job making her believe she can trust me and tell me everything that went on between there relationship but this chick apparently had no boundries, she really went on the deep end and spilled the beans about him.I know theres 2 sides to every story and a part of me needed to hear his because i truely love this man regardless of what the "fiance" told me. I called him that weekend and I decided to go over.. we talked about everything all night and he gave me answers and WHY he did those things and some things he didnt know how to explain himself. I know he was put on the spot to give me the truth but for some reason I wanted to really reassure him and let him know that whatever he did in the past and how the "fiance" characterized him as- I didnt care what b.s he did in the past as long as he started telling me the truth from now on. He promised me hes going to close this chapter for good with the "fiance" and that he was just blinded because he has this AMAZING relationship with me and with her it was all to NORMAL to have her in his life since she did EVERYTHING for him according to her- also she refused for him to make peace with his babys mother. Which im soooo against I told him he needs to have a relationship with her ASAP because I refuse to be with a man knowing he has a daughter whose growing up fatherless. !!Well i just wrapped up my story as much as i could... Ive been ignoring the "fiance" txts and calls, she thinks were best friends now because we went out to dinner.. This girl is weird and clearly under estimated me- She aparently thinks shes intimdating because shes older and has a bachelors... Well she really didnt fool me .. education obviously couldnt buy this chick some class or a clue. When me and fonzy hang out hes more relaxed and loving I can feel that hes finally giving me his all... I dont think the ex knows about me n him still seeing eachother shes called a couple times blocked but no texts. But with me shes blowing up my phone with Good morning texts and that we need to hang out??...Weird!! I hope I did the right thing... I just followed my heart and if anything all this made us really close and brought us together Im just scared that ONE day even though hes states im the one hes IN LOVE WITH not her. I still feel really really insecure that she would munipulate him and try and tear us apart. Im prepared for it though... Im just not sure hes willing to fight the fight with me..... like how i did for him......Pain is love.....
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at work, best friend, broke up, christmas, engaged, fiance, insecure, liar, my ex, period, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question**UPDATE** Hey you guys thanks for your comments and advice. So far hes doing a great job giving me his all and really showing dedication to this relationship- Yesterday I kind of had a breakdown because it just suddenly hit me for what I'm actually going through for this man- I was really questioning my love for him and if hes really worth it at the end of the day.. Only time could tell.
P.s Hes NOT married and he has no relationship with the babys mother because of the EX Fiance- Not because he didnt choose too- ALSO the reason why he didnt tell me aboout his child was because hes VERY private and didnt want to disclose personal information with me so soon since we were NON-EXCLUSIVE which is something I understand and that he was going to tell me in time when he felt ready.
A
female
reader, Gertie  +, writes (1 March 2011):
I have to agree with Cindy,this sounds oh so familiar.. I've just come out of a relationship where my ex blamed his 'psycho baby momma ex',lied,cheated etc,and to give him credit she does have some screws loose but it isn't all her. this whole set up sounds so dysfunctional,apparently he was sleeping with her and me,all the time telling me he felt nothing for her-all lies! Honestly, my gut tells me they are BOTH lying to you to varying degrees and this is eroding your self worth massively so try not to buy into their mind games. Do you really want a man that Lies,cheats and deceives-NO of course not! You can do better,you just need time.Right now I feel like I have been sucker punched but I know it will get better because I have fabulous friends to help me.Let him go back to his toxic relationship with her and regain what you have lost,you deserve a man that respects you and tells you the truth!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 March 2011):
 Sorry to rain on your parade, but I cant help being skeptical.
It sounds so ... typical.
The fiancee is a psycho stalker. And the baby mama is a drama queen . Sure. It's always somebody else's fault , right ? It would have been more believable if he had informed about these two cumbersome presences in his life when you first met- not after having been exposed.
And, apparently the only reason why you can't visit home is that his parents believe he is still engaged with the other girl while he is not. It does not sound like a good thing to me . It means that he is a liar- and a wimp too, what is he afraid, to be grounded ?? Plus, a man that keeps deceiving his own parents for years .... I don't think he'd have any scruple or trouble in bulshitting the
new woman in his life.
I understand that you want to close the door on the past and say , Ok, that was before, what's done is done, let's start anew. From now on. Cool, but to implement that you don't need words, you need actions.
Like, he telling the truth to his parents , and introducing you to them as the new gf. And , blocking visits and calls from the ex(?) fiancee. In fact, even better- since you all know each other , and everything is in the open, he should talk to her in front of you and tell her , sorry, from now on you are officially history.
In lack of the above- it will be just talk, and talk is cheap.
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A
female
reader, Laurenc76 +, writes (1 March 2011):
 It seems you really care for this guy, and not to seem harsh, but you need to look at the "big" picture...he's married, and has a child. The fact that he wasn't too concerned to be in his daughters life, should tell you right there what kind of person he may really be. You say you love him, but don't let that blind you, because in the end you could be the one really hurt, and he can go back to his already made family.
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