A
female
age
41-50,
*onkey Buns
writes:I have a real issue with trust. In my three previous relationships (in fact, my only three serious relationships) they have cheated on me or left me for another woman. I have done much soul-searching as to whether it was something that I did or didn't do in a relationship that led them to stray or look elsewhere and the only answer that I can come up with is that the only thing I ever did wrong was make a bad choice in partners (I know this sounds conceited, but I've always been a good girlfriend. Heck, two of them tried to contact me years later telling me it was a huge mistake to leave. Pfft, whatever!).Yet, despite the fact that I've been a good girlfriend in the past, I'm terrified of turning into a not-so-good girlfriend in my current relationship. Why? Because I'm so scarred by what happened in the past that I'm absolutely terrified of it happening again. I'm a very secure person within myself but find myself becoming increasingly insecure within my current relationship. He hasn't actually done anything to make me feel this way. It's just the way I am right now. We've spoken many times of a future together, he loved me before we actually became a couple and he's been great. I was single for 4 years before we met and we've been together now for almost five, so I had plenty of time on my own to get myself together.I just can't seem to shake the paranoia of "will he cheat on me?". I feel very uptight when he speaks of a woman on TV as being "hot" or when he generally compliments any female he knows e.g. "I've known her for a long time, she's an awesome lady". I'm a paradox. I completely trust him, yet I'm terrified he'll find better. What worries me is that if I continue to feel this way, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy (ie my behaviour will push him away). I've already started to "act out" a little and whilst he's been forgiving and understands to an extent where I'm coming from, lashing out at him for something that happened in the past is very unfair on him. I need to address my thoughts and feelings now so that I don't act out again.I really need some help on how I can re-train my brain to stop thinking like this. I love him very much and don't want to push him away at all. My biggest problem is that my insecurities get the better of me and consequently, I can get fired up over nothing and shoot my mouth off without thinking. I've only done it a couple of times with him but in my mind, that's a couple of times too many.Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, VioletSparkle  +, writes (12 March 2011):
What I understand of your question is that at the moment it is your *own* problem, and that there is no real reason to worry (unless I missed something and the comments about other women where coming up all the time).
When something similar would happen to me, the best advice I ever got was to concentrate on my feelings, and try and sort out what was my insecurity and what was an actual reaction to events, but that was almost impossible to understand unless I calmed down.
So the solution for me was to try and stay in the moment, and focus on ME and on MY life, focus on where I still lacked satisfaction, and somehow give up the need for control, because what the others do I cannot stop or influence, they just do it, and I have to accept the fact that I have no power, even if I really don't like it.
One sentence that makes me worry instead is "despite the fact that I've been a good girlfriend in the past, I'm terrified of turning into a not-so-good girlfriend" - why do you have to be a "good girlfriend" to be loved? Actually I think I know what you mean, you mean that you didn't deserve those cheating bastards, but still, I wish to make a point. I had a real insight into that question from the book "why men love bitches", if you have a moment take a look at it. A hug
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): Hey you!Head up :)It sounds like you have some definite past relationship issues that you have been unable to resolve on your own. I sens ea lot of emotion attached to these events and thats making it hard on you to logically analyze your past relationships so lessons are learned and can be applied to your future with your current BF. I will highly recommend counseling here with a relationship therapist as I did it and it helped tremendously. The money was worth it and to be hones tit wasnt all that much. Your mental health is important to yourself and also to many others so its important you consider that as an option. Now, for your current relationship I would get out of it until you resolve these issues as like you said, its not fair to him and its definitely not fair to you. So, neither one should suffer and the only way to guarantee no one does is in fact if you are not in a relationship together. Good luck on this. Stay positive :)
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