A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Afternoon everyone, So I'm back in the dating world and my children disapproves of it especially my son my daughter acts happy but I sense differently.So me and my now love are engaged now we have plans to travel move in together and just living life.But he wants children/child I made a promise to myself I wouldn't have more children because of the lost of my first born and how the previous guywasn't no kind of help with his son.He also lost his daughter and want more I just can't give him this gift he also wants to marry me and I don't know how to really sit down and tell him there is no way I'm having any more children.I was thinking about getting a 12 year birth control without his knowledge .I really care for him but I won't have his children. Please help?? [mod note: poster’s age is given as 49]
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2020): If only we could do that hey? Screw up parenting and go on to have more so we can get chance after chance to get it right.I think I know why your children disapprove. There are far too many people out there with the same mindset. They feel nothing of going out and having several children because to them, that's several chances, instead of just getting it right the first time and making the effort with that first child/ren!It's a selfish, lazy way of doing things. If he really wants to have children tell him to go make it right with the ones he has instead of risking your health by asking you for one at 49!!At your age you should be able to explain this to him without having an argument. If he can't handle that home truth then you should really have the good sense to wave him off. Think of your body and if not that, then your own children. If they aren't happy with him, ask yourself why? Use you instincts on this one!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 October 2020):
 OK, the updates makes it clear as mud, OP
BUT I'm going to guess? that what you are saying is that you HAVE told him that you don't WANT any more children and probably can't HAVE any, but to make 100% sure... you want to go on birth control?
Do you think he would stay faithful to you, IF having another child is such a big desire for him? IF you marry him, that is?
I think before tying ANY knots I'd explain to him that IF he wants kids you are NOT the right woman for him. Because you can't and won't HAVE any more. If that is OK to him, then you can marry I suppose but I don't think it will diminish his desire to HAVE a child.
It's not something people can just shut off.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2020): Educate this man.My mother had me at 42.As much as I love my mother I had all mine in my twenties.She never could participate in my life she got too old and could not keep up.At your age childbirth could kill you.Complications will be much higher at your age.Your eggs are old...You could have a down syndrome baby....could he handle that???Him wanting you to put your life and a future baby's life at risk just so he can be a dad again is very selfish on his part.This is a very red flag.Proceed with caution.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 October 2020):
 Your update unluckily does not make things clearer. If you told him already that you don't accept getting pregnant again , so he knows already that you won't give him any children... AND he still wants to marry you - then what's the problem ? , I can't see one.
If, instead, you told him that you are not going to give him a child, and, because of this , he rejects you - sure this is a disappointment, maybe a heartbreak .... but at least things are clear, and you know where you stand , no space for doubts...
Btw, both you and your bf are wildly optimistic thinking you'd conceive naturally at age 49 ( ..and even with assisted fertilization like IVF , at that age your chances of success are only around 15% ) . Anyway, you'd have, unluckily, a 53% chance of miscarriage.
This is not an encouragement to ditch your birth control , because once in a blue moon women of your age do get pregnant naturally. But it's much rarer than you and your bf seem to think !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2020): Code Warrior we have had conversations about this situation and I have told him no I'm not being deceptive toward him at all.He knows I don't want any more children. I don't know if I'm not explaining my situation right cuz everybody seems to not have a clue
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A
female
reader, Tuatara  +, writes (19 October 2020):
 You need to be honest with him and it is disappointing you have proceeded seemingly as far into this relationship with him without discussing children and your desire not to have anymore. Agree with the other Aunts/Uncles that the changes are highly slim in you conceiving, I suspect he should also be very aware of this fact. If this story is true, tell the man you are not having or wanting more children.
Very wrong to pretend this issue isn't one that needs disclosing. Do the right thing and be honest. If you love him as you say then doing this is a must. Let him decide his future with you with all the facts revealed to him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2020): No WiseOwl I'm truly telling the truth he really wants another child because his daughter was killed.Now he wants me to fill the emptiness of losing his daughter.Im simply saying no I'm going to protect myself everytime we have sex when ever that happens.I am pass having children I don't want that responsibility anymore.I really didn't know the risk of having children at my age is dangerous I really don't want to bring and ill child on the world I love him but I just can't.Thanks
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2020): To quote the former, and now deceased, First-Lady Nancy Reagan...just say "no!" Maybe you should be honest and just tell him you can't have kids anymore.
Apparently, you haven't told this guy your real age. I don't think there's much likelihood of you conceiving a child at 49; not that it's impossible. It might even require IVF! There is a higher risk of pregnancy complications and Down's syndrome at your age. You may still have your periods; and if you do, that doesn't necessarily mean you can get pregnant.
Tell the guy the truth. It seems having a child is the condition he has set to get married. I think he's pulling your leg, if he knows you're 49! He doesn't want to marry you, he's creating that obstacle on purpose. There's no way you're having anymore kids; maybe that's because you can't! Were you a little tipsy or high when you wrote this post? It doesn't seem to make sense.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 October 2020):
I think it's only fair to tell him, look I know you want more kids, I can't give you any. I'm 49 and can not go through another pregnancy.
The likelihood of you conceiving "naturally" is VERY low at 49. But it is possible, however the chance of miscarriage, birth defects are much much higher, as well as having a high risk pregnancy.
I think it's unrealistic of him to have those expectations of you. Purely from a biological standpoint.
If having KIDS is something he reallllllllly wants, YOU need to let him know that it can't be with you. That train has left the station a long time ago.
I think it's UNFAIR of you to either go on birth control behind his back and potentially hold him back from having kids with someone else, while LYING by omission.
You wouldn't like if he went and got snipped behind your back if YOU had been the one wanting a child. It's dishonest.
Isn't it better to let him know SOONER rather than later? Wouldn't you rather BE honest with someone you are looking to BE with long term?
Yes, it might mean he leaves you for someone younger. It might mean he re-think the whole baby thing. You won't know until you talk about this.
How can you consider living with him if you CAN'T talk to him?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (18 October 2020):
 Are you omitting something? Just asking as, if you are 49, your chances of conceiving will be quite slim. Your husband-to-be must surely realize this.
I have never heard of a 12 year birth control. Do you mean 12 month?
Having/not having children is surely one of the major issues on which a couple must agree before marriage. If you cannot be honest with him and tell him you do not want any more children, what is the point in marrying him?
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