A
female
age
30-35,
*bear765
writes:My husband and I dated for almost 2 years before recently getting married. Just a few days after the ceremony, we got a call from his crazy ex girlfriend who had never left us alone the whole time we had been together. She was saying she just had a baby and her boyfriend who she thought was the dad wasn't. And that my husband was, for a while we just thought it was her being her crazy self and pointing fingers, but the more I talked to my husband about it the more he was uncertain if she was really lieing. It turns out there was a night 9 months ago where he was at a party and got so drunk he doesn't remember a thing and she claims that was when it happened. It is his baby. I had everything, our whole relationship was perfect, we have just moved away from home because he is in the military and we were on our own and happy. And now this. I don't know what to do. I want to stay with him and try and work through this seeing as how when it happened we had been going through some tough times. But it's not like he just cheated and we can move past this, he has a kid now. and I am going to have to live with that for the rest of my life if I do stay. All I've wanted is to have a family with this guy and be happy, but now his stupid ex girlfriend has everything I have wanted. I don't get to have his first born now. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know if I could ever love the kid, My husband told me he wants to be in his life. I want to make this work more than anything. I just don't know how. How do I make this work?
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female
reader, Brandi29 +, writes (11 May 2011):
Hi..I basically have the same problem. I have been married for almost 2 weeks. My husband told me when we met that he had a 9 yr old son who lived in another state. I was fine with that. Then he proceeded to tell me that he thought he had a daughter but that when she was born, his ex admitted to sleeping with someone else and told him the baby was not his. after 5 months of not hearing from his ex, he gets a court order in the mail saying that he has to go in for a dna test. I am 12 weeks pregnant by him myself and I dont know what to do either. I love him but I feel like this should have been taken care of a long time ago without feeling like Im being dragged through it also..
A
male
reader, whiteelephant +, writes (17 October 2010):
im only responding to a small aspect of your question
let your husband know that you're willing to try to accept this child into your life, but know that on a biological level you're going to be repelled from it. if it doesn't work, it doesn't work.
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A
male
reader, Ricemonster  +, writes (17 October 2010):
 The question you 'should' ask yourself is what you want to see yourself have 5 years, 10 years, 25 years from now. At this moment in time, you're letting the 'small' problems affect the bigger picture. Yes, I agree that he should have been more responsible, but at the same time, I also have to agree that every individual has differing levels of control that often are influenced by mood, experience and situation. I am not trying to defend him, but coinciding the question I suggested in my first sentence, you can also give him, as well as yourself a chance to let your long term dreams blossom.
You may not have the chance to give him his first born, but you should know that you are important to him and you are in fact, in his heart. I don't like saying this much, but everyone is prone to make mistakes - big and small and everything in between. If you can allow your future with what I am assuming, a nice man to be a part of, you should consider that future, rather than look at this one setback of the moment.
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A
female
reader, brokenhearted1265 +, writes (17 October 2010):
I actually am going thru this same exact thing. I found out about my husband having a 5 year old little girl yesterday and this woman used to be my close friend. I do not agree that you should leave your husband, nor do I agree that you have to accept this child. What my husband and I have decided to do is he will have to pay the child support and he will sign over all paternal rights to the mother. We now have our own family and this woman should have came forward before the child was 5 years old. She chose to raise this baby and not tell my husband that there was a possibility that the child was his so we feel that we dont have to change our lives to help her out. You really need to make this decision for yourself but I hope you arent in as much pain as I am because I DO FEEL YOUR PAIN! I feel anger toward this child and her mother but I also realize that this child is innocent. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (17 October 2010):
 I don't know you or your husband, but I just wanted to point out the obvious to you.
Crazy ex girlfriends that don't leave you and your new boyfriend alone the entire time you were together don't stick around like that because they are crazy. They stick around because your boyfriend is giving them some encouragement and keeping them on the string.
You have absolute prooof of that now because he admitted to having sex with her 9 months ago and you've been together for two years.
You are making excuses for him by saying you were going through some rough times with him. Did you ever consider that the rough times were provoked by him so he had an excuse to cheat with her and blame it on you? That's the oldest manipulation trick in the book.
He now has the responsibility of paying child support for the next 18 years for his child and his now crazy ex girlfriend is in your lives forever. If in fact she really is crazy. Men who are involved with crazy women have their own issues.
No one can tell you what to do here, but if I were in your shoes I can tell you what I would do. I would realize that my fiance had lied to me the whole two years we were together and he will more than likely continue this behavior with her or with someone else at some point in your marriage. Psychologists, the experts will tell you the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
More importantly you now have a situation that you did not sign up for when you agreed to marry him. How do you know for sure that he didn't even know this before but instructed the ex to hold off on "telling him" until he had you married to him to make sure you wouldn't leave. This is another form of manipulation and control.
He's in the military, he is going to be gone a lot and quite frankly a lot of men in the military have the attitude that women are second class citizens and they really don't care that much about you other than as someone they can control and come home too...that is a gross generalization but I find it to be a pretty strong correlation with attitudes about women.
You are young, this isn't right nor fair to you to have to be saddled with this, this is his mistake and you aren't obligated to live with his mistake the rest of your life.
Of course he will be angry at you and you may see his true character come out if you do decide to call off the marriage. Have some support and someone with you to do that if and when you decide to pull the trigger on this one.
I don't envy you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (17 October 2010):
 Was there a paternity test done?
For me, I have no problems raising a kid not mine. I had done it before. Children are innocent even if the baby is a product of "heat of the moment" mistake. If you want this to work you have to say to yourself over and over again that this child, a precious life, is worthy of love no matter who brought him into this life. I assumed his ex drunk while being pregnant. Let's hope the baby is healthy. What I have a problem with is him being drunk and sleeping with an ex while you are in a relationship. Drunk, ex, partying, cheating. The "drunk" part is what bothers me most.
I am very harsh on drinkers on this site. There is a dearcupid member called Ihatewomanbeaters. My name should really be Ihatedrinkers. I would never date a social drinker. Drinking in moderation, of course is fine. When it's out of control that it leads to problems in a relationship, it's time to quit if he wants to be in your life and the baby's life.
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