A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I'm an insecure person, I have all those symptoms, but I cannot afford professional help so I came here, because I know that you're very helpful. I kind of "discovered" the root of my insecurity, it lays in my past, I've been cheated 2 times, people around me (relatives) criticize(d) in a negative way everything I did (and do), my current boyfriend is the most loving guy, but whenever I don't see him, I get the feeling that he's gonna cheat on me on the first occasion (actually he's not that type, but the previous guys seemed to be the same and it just happened). I struggle not to be clingy, needy or jealous, even if in the inside I cannot control my negative thoughts. I never make scenes with my boyfriend, I struggle to act cool-headed around him and go like "whatever" when he looks at a nice a** on the street (I know all men do that). So far, I'm succeeding, what I'm afraid of is for how long will I be able to keep inside me all these negative emotions... We plan on getting married in a few months and I'm afraid I'll fail as a wife, as a woman, as an individual, as a person, when the "volcano" will erupt. So I'd really appreciate a few answers from someone who's been dealing with insecure people and knows how they "function". But of course, ANY opinion is welcome :)So here we go: Do they know that they're insecure and that this may lead to loneliness by pushing people (involuntarily) away with their behavior ? If they're in a relationship and their partner is being told to dump them, who are they going to make couple with or marry with ? Are they meant to be with only one partner or they're predisposed to have several failed relationships due to their insecure behavior ? If they're aware of it, why aren't they able to make a change in their life ? Don't they have any motivation ? Could it be that they're masochist ?P.S.: Why aren't they able to get over their negative experiences, why do they have to feed their negativity with these thoughts? Thanks in advance!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): You may not be able to afford professional help, but go to the library and read everything you can on fear and fear of rejection and neglect and abuse as well as relationships.
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (17 October 2010):
 The problem with this is that you should ALREADY be what he wants you to be, you should not have to force yourself to be anything different.
It is good that you know to control how 'clingy' you are with him but you cannot go on like this indefinitely. I think it best you postpone the wedding until you both get this sorted out. Right now, I see no reason why you should get married with him. "I'm a guy and guys do that all the time" is not a good enough answer, in fact, it is no good at all. You are about to get MARRIED and he persistantly looks at other women and expects you to be comfortable with it? That just is not right.
May I suggest professional help just to at least ease your conscience and stop it from worrying you. It makes sense you are insecure and it makes sense that you would try to stop being who you are for love's sake but I think it would be best to focus on yourself for now and postpone the wedding until both of you are ready.
I hope that helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey thank you Cerberus_Raphael.
"Yes, I suppose all men do that but it is not something they SHOULD do. Tell him you feel uncomfortable with that, you have to stop worrying about what negative thoughts you have." - well, I once told him this, but he said that he's a guy and guys do that all the time and this shouldn't worry me at all, since he doesn't consider anyone else beside me. I also once talked to him about dumping me for another woman, and he reassured me that he loves and wants ONLY me and that I should stop thinking so negatively. He's the most affectionate guy, but I still have doubts.
He knows I have insecurity issues and he wants to help me get over them, but so far, I see nothing coming from his side. It's true, he's not at fault for my problems, I'm the only one who can make things better. It's also true that they're part of our lives, but sometimes I feel overwhelmed by everything and I start to cry for no reason and ready to leave the battleground. Or at least start to cry when I see myself in this awkward position, of NOT acting like myself. No, I'm not a cool-headed person, I need his attention, I am jealous, I can't rest my head on the pillow if he's out with the boys etc. I see how pitiful I am, due to wanting to be what he wants me to be. What ANY man would want: a woman who can give you enough space.
That's why I'm afraid of what might come: what if this will turn into a living hell for both of us after we're married and start living together? Or maybe we should postpone the wedding.. I don't know. All I know is that I love him and I feel unhealthily attached to him. Why? Because he's the opposite of me: he's cool-headed, self-confident, never emotional, doesn't get mad easily.
What I'd like him is to be a little more jealous. Yes, it might sound sick, but I told him yesterday that I need a partner for my jogging sessions (he can't join me, since he works a lot), and I looked up for one of our mutual male friends that I knew he likes jogging. But I only did it to see his reaction. He smiled and sincerely encouraged me to do it. Now you might say that I'm playing games on him, but sometimes I feel the need to know that he wouldn't let me go out with other men. I hope he doesn't expect me to let him out with female friends. I'd go insane.
He's probably 100% certain that I love him and that I'd never cheat on him. It's true, but I need the same reassurance as well. I often tell myself that I shouldn't be having great expectations from people, in order to avoid disappointment, but wanting him to do things in order to boost my self-esteem is a real challenge. I can't imagine my life without him, but neither I want to end up lonely and spend my life hoping that people will love me no matter what. I know that changing things depends on me, but I often get the feeling that I don't know where to begin.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (17 October 2010):
You already know why you are insecure, the reason why you involuntarily feed these thoughts is because you are trying to protect yourself and ready yourself for something that may or may not occur.
I see how you are trying to be everything he wants but, you also need to consider what he is trying to do to be everything YOU want. I take issue with the fact that you are not talking to him about looking at other women when he is with you. Yes, I suppose all men do that but it is not something they SHOULD do. Tell him you feel uncomfortable with that, you have to stop worrying about what negative thoughts you have. You had two unfaithful exes but they are gone now. You are with a different man.
You sound as though you are a caring and loving girlfriend, do not worry yourself about how you will do as a wife. Or as a woman, you ARE a woman. You ARE an individual. There is no succeeding or failing at being what you ARE. We go through life and we struggle. We will ALWAYS struggle at some point, there is no avoiding what life throws at you, you simply must get through it and hold as much as you can intact.
Make sure your boyfriend is making YOU happy.
I hope that helps.
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