| A
age
41-50,
*
writes: I am pregnant by my new boyfriend of three months. I we always used condoms except on one occassion. I have another child out of wedlock. When I told him, he told me to terminate it, but am not sure if I want to do that. I sugested we get married and he refused, saying he has never thought of marrying anyone, and it was abit too sudden. Out of frustration I told him to leave me, since was not ready to commit. Afterwards, i told him we should talk again and he said he does not want to stand in my way and that the discision is already made, though he would still support me and the child. I feel rejected, and hurt. will have second child out of wedlock, I cant face the embarrassment at home and work. What should I do? My idea is to either terminate and make it work with him again or sleep with my ex, who has been wanting me back for the past one year (and wants to marry me), after breaking up on flimsy ground (I left him), so that I say it is his pregnancy. Am three weeks pregnant. I need your advice
View related questions:
abortion, condom, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, terribly honest  +, writes (30 September 2009):
I think that you should keep your child and not be ashamed of that. personally your current boy friend isn't good enough if he's not willing to be there. he should have told you his opinion on commitment before he got with you.don't put th ex in that mess b cuz itl only com bac to bite u in th but
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks a lot people for your advice, I think you are right that i should not trap my ex. I will think more and make a decision...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): Do not go through with your idea to entrap your ex... it is a recipe for lifelong unhappiness, for you, for him, and for your child, maybe both of them.You need to make a decision for yourself and yourself alone right now. This is not your ex's problem, and your boyfriend has made his intentions clear. Assume that you are on your own for the support and nurturing (and financial support too) of the new child and perform an honest evaluation about if you are able to do that on your own. Then make a decision to keep, abort, or give up your child based on that honest evaluation. It's not an easy decision because all three options have their price.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): well im neither a harsh person nor am i judgemental. i just wanted to give you a woman to woman advise.we are humanbeings in the first place, and we do commit mistakes, afterall we wouldnt be human if we dont commit mistakes.The other thing is, that you should know that truth always comes up.. you might be able to hide it today, but its just a short period of time, because oneday it will come up. so i suggest you deal with it now than postponning till later.you will have to deal with it anyway.Third thing is, NEVER tend to correct one mistake, by commiting another!! you will be commiting two mistakes instead.Honesty is the key, if your ex really wants you and loves you as you say and even wants to marry you, then he will accept you the way you are because this is real love. be honest right from the start with him. sit, talk, and discuss things over like grown ups, he will have more respect and trust for you.dont turn you rlife into hell.. life is full of shit already (excuse me for my language) and believe you me he will for sure realise it sooner or later, and once he dicovers it himself he will lose all the trust, respect , faith and love he once had for you, and you will end up in deeper shit.I therefore suggest not to look for a temporary solution, look for a pemenant one and its good you are looking around, and i find you lucky because you have hope smiling to you, you found a way, someone who wants to have another chance with you, dont abuse it or let it slip from your hands, use it wisely and honestly.. you will be more comfortable in your future life..i wish you all the best..
...............................
A
male
reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (3 April 2009):
 Wow, if you are honestly capable of sleeping with your ex just to trick him into thinking he is the father, then I can certainly see why he didn't marry you in the first place.
I hope he gets a DNA test if you do decide to keep the baby.
I mean seriously, do you realized how deceptive and manipulative you sound? Paternity fraud is dispicable.
I feel bad for your children.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): Why is it that some women cannot take responsibility for their own contaception then have a lot to say about getting pregnant?????
...............................
A
female
reader, bobbles32  +, writes (3 April 2009):
 lol @ anonymous!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): I wish there was a way for men to purposely stick women with babies that aren't theirs.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): mz *endy2009, just terminate the pregnancy. there is nothing wrong with termination, in life we allow/tolerate some much more than just abortion. it is not a dirty word, it is not morally wrong (although sometimes i wonder). 2 wrongs are happening here - unplanned pregnancy, and woodwinking the ex into beliecing that this kid is his. you do not want to deal with a unwanted kid (again). the termination will be better than the lies, deceit and actually betrayal. i read recently that more than one third of men in the uk bring up kids that were passed off as theirs. we always berate men for being such scounders but alas we women do the dirty on them just as much. SO, do the decent thing, your b/f doesn't want this baby anymore than you do. In the long run it would be far better than to have a child and then neglect it and to tell it that it was unwanted in the first place. This child will be the burden in your life for as long as you live. And will be the burden to your ex as well. yOUR EX DOESN'T DESERVE THIS, RESPECT HIM AT LEAST. Oh, and try contraception next time because this may become a habit and you way then want to pawn off this child to another unsuspecting male.
...............................
A
female
reader, bobbles32 +, writes (3 April 2009):
while you're not married **
...............................
A
female
reader, bobbles32 +, writes (3 April 2009):
If you can live a lie everyday of your life then yeah, sure. Marry your ex, look into his eyes and swear he's the father.
You can't seriously be thinking about this. First, I hope you have a little more respect for your ex than that. I know you're going through a hard time but you can't just lie to someone like that? What happens when he finds out? Because he probably will..especially because the real biological father knows that he is just that.
Abortion is supposed to be only used for desperate measures, like a woman had become pregnant because of rape. Being embarassed because this is your second child out of wedlock (I don't think) is a very valid reason to end your childs life. If you're not willing to live with your mistake, have someone adopt it. There are thousands of couples who pray for a child every day.
Your current boyfriend seems supportive of the new pregnancy...just not supportive of being married..and he's right. It's way too soon. And you only want to be married because it's more accepted to have a child while your married...but it really doesn't matter dear. As long as your children have their fathers helpign support them and have them in their lives then it doesnt matter that you're not married to their daddy. It really doesn't. No one is judging you.
If you go back to your ex you'll probably leave him again. There was clearly something missing that made you come to your new boyfriend.
Good luck dear.
...............................
A
female
reader, say_anything  +, writes (3 April 2009):
 i think the idea of misleading your ex into believing it is his child is a very very bad one! i understand the panic you are probably feeling but this would be an awful foundation for a marriage: you would be lying both to the ex and the child and could cause mountains of hurt when you are found out. please don't do this.at the end of the day, don't let this new boyfriend dictate the decision you make about the pregnancy. it is your body and your life. by all means consider an abortion if you feel it is the appropriate route, but don't do it because he wants you to. this could lead to deep regret in the future if it is not truly what is best for you. you say you have one child already out of wedlock: would it not be possible to have another? (obviously if you would not be able to cope/support another child to the best of your ability, abortion is a viable option).it must be very difficult to be facing this so early in your relationship, perhaps rushing into marriage with either man is not your best option.at the end of the day, you need to decide what is best for YOU and your child, and this decision should not be based purely on either man.
...............................
|
