A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this guy for a few weeks, and just wondered what people thought in regards to his past.I really like him, and he treats me like a princess, a total gentleman, but he has such a shady past and I guess I worry that it might repeat - I've never dated someone like him so I have no idea what to expect.He had a very bad family life growing up, Dad left, and then died, Mum in and out of prison, nervous breakdowns, suicide attempts (all of this he was fully exposed to as well). He, up until new years ever, was a heavy drug user. We became close friends before we got together, and he told me his plan was to give up the drugs - he'd got to the point where he didn't want to do them anymore, they were messing up his life.He's gone cold turkey since then (I know this because we've spent so much time together, and he's a totally different person on drugs). I trust him as well.I also know that he has been single for just over a year - no other girls at all int hat time (following a long term relationship breakup). However, he did have a prostitute. It surprised me when I found out, because he doesn't seem that sort of guy. He's very good looking and dowsn't have problems getting attention from females. Although he did tell me he wasn't interested in females/relationships, until the right girl came along.I really like this guy. He's generous, sweet, funny, loving, caring, every good word I can think up, he is. All his friends have been commenting on how different he is, what a change they can see already. Should I just put his past down to his past and forget it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): All I will say is.... that everyone has a right to change. Sometimes people need someone to believe in them.
A
female
reader, Devilish Angel  +, writes (21 January 2008):
 It all depends on him. Does he truly have the will to change? Some people really want to do something but they don't have the strength to do it. If I was in your shoes, I would trust my heart but also use my head. I would be supportive but protect myself in the process.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (21 January 2008):
 Live in the present.There are people who was bad and became good and there are also people who are good but turned bad.
If he is good to you , he will be good to you and will not hurt you.
In every relationship , there are risks . If God forgive us , we should forgive others.If he turns bad, then you leave.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (21 January 2008):
 People who are in "recovery", drying-out or in rehab are all told to put-off trying new relationships for *one whole year*. That's because they have to put themselves first in order to conquer their addictions. Then, they are supposed to try to keep a plant alive. If that's possible, they can get an animal to care for. Then, and only after being able to care for themselves, and a few other things, they can try to be a partner in a relationship.
I think he has a lot of baggage and issues. Relationships are hard enough without entering into one that you are questioning from the get go. I think there is a lot of possible heartache if you pursue this. Sorry for not sugar-coating it, but that's only my opinion. Good luck Dear.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2008): oh my god I have a similiar situation!! Ive been seeing this man for 1yr. and a half. He totally treats me like a queen when were together(opens doors, always attentive, says the sweetest things)but him also has a very shady past, he lied to me when we were first together I found out he was"MARRIED" I was crushed but very much in love at this point.(i spoke to his wife who backed up his story of them basically living like roomates together she stated that they were only living together for the childrens sake)so we remain together. He also has many women under his belt, he also states that he was waiting for the "right girl". Unfortunatly I still have a hard time trusting (hes away right now at the army)hes actually tired of hearing my accusations I try to stop but im having a hard time,,I guess because of the lenthy past, though hes never done drugs or as far as i know picked up a prostitute I REALLY understand what your going through. Do you sometimes feel like everythings sooo perfect that if you give up you could be missing out on the best thing thats ever happened to you??? I do . sorry i could not be much help but no your not alone!!!!!!! best of luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2008): Dear, I'm a psychologist and everything he have been through will not wipe away from his past because you came along. I feel happy for him trying to come out of drugs and trying to change but the truth is there's a lot of emotional baggage there that will come out to hunt him sooner or later, and if you are his partner you are definitely going to have to taste it.
You see, all our experiences as kids is what shape us as adults. His parents showed him rejection, and dysfunctionality in every aspect. How do you expect a person who have never been showed how to love himself to love you trully? How do you expect a person who doesn't know what is a functional family is to have one with you?
If he doesn't work with his childhood traumas he will never be able to make any woman happy. It doesn't matter how Prince Chanrmin like he tries to act right now. Most troubled and emotionally unavailable men act like perfect gentlemen while on courtship, then the story changes and is not for the better.
Don't become the rescuer in his life. That's not your job. Your job as the administrator of your life is to look what's best for you, not to become what's best for nobody.
I suggest try not to fall in love with this guy if you value yourself. With him I see you in a lot of trouble and tears in the future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2008): Hun, good for you asking this question. Dating just a few weeks is 'not' long enough to make an informed decision, as to whether he has changed and he's the one for your future. You are jumping the gun here. You state you trust him and that he has stopped doing drugs. Firstly, you don't just hand over your 'trust' like that, in a matter of weeks. You evaluate behaviors over the long term..so I suggest you tread very carefully. Your relationship is still in the initial stages of romantic, infatuation. This is not love, yet. Trust in a relationships takes a long time to get established, dear. It sounds like he's making huge efforts right now..but the true test will be in 6 months-1 year, from now..if he has stayed away from drugs and remained a good, functional bf to you. Don't hand your heart over so readily. Use your head...go slow. . Always watch out for the following behaviors on his part...he shows a long period of absolutely no drug use, (6 mo.-1year) he needs be honest, communicate openly. He should never lie to you, , never, ever cheat on you and treat you with respect. Your relationship with him is still in it's infancy. Remember, romantic infatuation is just the first stage of love, and it either evolves into a deeper, richer love—or it withers away. To make love stay strong, both of you must work damn hard at consciously, making it a lasting, rich, vibrant love. And this takes time...a long time. And that takes incredible trust and honoring each other. But for now....go slow. Good luck and I wish you both happiness and happy times ahead.
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