A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid:I have a serious problem and I need help.I don't even know how to describe it so I will describe some incidents that have happenned.One Saturday night I called my bf. He answered and said he is doing something or he is taking another call ( I don't really remember). He told me to give him about 20 minutes and call him again. When 20 minutes have past, I called again and there was no answer. So I called again about five minutes later and there was no answer. Then I called his cell and there was no answer either. At this point I started getting very upset and kept calling and leaving messages "Please call me". I think I might have called about five times within one hour. Finnally he called meand said he was on a three ways conference call with his sister and brother in Florida and couldn't or didn't want to answer my calls.On another ocassion, I was waiting for him at home to come pick me up. I share my home phone so when he called I missed his call because my phone was occupied. He left a message to call him back. When i called him he didn't answer. I called six times. Finally he called me and said he was in the supermarket and left the phone in the car.There was a third incident in which he left a message for me to call him back as soon as I got home. When I called there was no answer so I called two more times and leave messages "please call me, I am home".After this third incident he spoke to me and said I have a problem with the phone and he nicknamed me "Miss panicky". He said "call once and leave a message and I will call you back, I promise".The last incident happened a couple of days ago. It was something very similar to the above examples. I called his line phone three times and his cell phone two or three times.This last time he got extremely annoyed and threw a tantrum at me. He said he couldn't take it anymore and abruptly broke up with me. He said "you have no respect for my private time, you are harrassing me." "Why can't you just wait until I call you?" "Why do you have to keep calling?" "Can't you just call and leave a message?" "Why do you have to call every single day?"Now I am very sad and heartbroken.I know it sounds stupid behaviour but honestly it happens to me and I can't help it. Even as I type this now I am having flash backs to those incidents and experiencing the same anxiety. I feel sick, my heart beats fast, my limbs feel weak and my stomach is in a knot, my throat feels like i am going to choke. I don't know why this is happening to me.It has happened a lot in the past even with other bfs.I am 41 years old now and it is still happening. I don't know why. I like to get some therapy but sadly i can't afford it so I am on my own.My now ex-bf said we are just friends and he said "can't you just call and leave a message?".The problem with just leaving a message is that i have to wait for him to call me back and that means hours of anguish looking at the clockwaiting for the phone to ring. My entire world comes to a stop. I can't concentrate on anything, can't work, can't eat, can't watch tv. I am not making this up. It is really happening to me and I don't know what to do. It is killing me. Please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your kind words and advise.
Icelordess thank you for sharing your feelings. I will PM you.
Thanks again Gina.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (26 November 2009):
 Try this book:
'Women who think too much' by Susan Nolan Hoeksema
It really has some marvellous coping strategies for anxiety that is taking over your life and helps you to rationalise any erratic thinking.
Aunty Em xxx
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A
female
reader, Lovely Sweet Laura +, writes (26 November 2009):
 Hey darling, you need to take a deep breath and ask yourself if all the worry you put yourself through is worth it? It makes you feel miserable and it makes your bf feel annoyed so I would say that what you are doing is not in your best interest. You are basing your own self worth on the attention he gives you. This will haunt you forever if you continue to do this. You need to start seeing yourself differently and stop being so dependent on him. It will be difficult for you to break this cycle as you are already so very used to it. To begin, even though your feelings may be different-your way of thinking needs to change. Everything starts with a thought. When he doesn't call you right back you assume the worse, either that he is ignore you on purpose or he is losing interest etc...you are jumping to conclusions that are causing you great anxiety. From now one-leave one message as he asked. When you feel the anxiety creep up inside you after the first little while you need to start talking to yourself silently to control your feelings. You need to tell yourself that you are worth his time and he is likely just busy for a moment. Even if he is ignoring you, you need to continue to say to yourself that he is lucky that you called him and he would be a lucky guy to have you and if he can't make time for you it will be his loss. You need to build up your self worth so that you don't remain miserable in every relationship because of your insecurity. This will take practice before you can perfect it. It isn't worth the pain to continue the way you have been, trust me. If you are single I would suggest practicing this with guys that are more interested in you than you are in them. This will help because you won't feel as anxious if they don't contact you right away. Try to stay logical and not let your emotions drive you into a state you wish to stay out of. Best of Luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your kind response Gina.
I do not know what causes this behaviour but I suspect it is something that happened a long time ago.
I was dating somebody I was very much into. It seemed that everything was going well until one evening that he was suposed to pick me up to go to the movies but he never showed up.
At first I thought it could be bad traffic, maybe a flat tire, car broken down. Then I thought he might have been in a colission, etc. etc.
I spent the night crying not knowing what else to make of the situation.
The following morning I reached him at work and he told me that he didn't see any potential in our relationship and that it was over. He known that for a while but didn't have the guts to tell me.
Now, everytime someone does not answer his phone or does not call me back inmediately, I fear that but news is comming and can't handle it.
I will follow you advise and google anxiety and read about it. I will also get some books to read.
Thank you so much.
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