A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Three years ago when my former best friend got engaged, she dropped me like I was nothing. Now, everything has turned around for me and she's reared her ugly head trying to be friends with me again. How would you handle this?For some background, we were friends since college. We met our freshman year when we were both 18. She was a total mess throughout college and our twenties. I, on the other hand, had it all together. I never passed judgment on her (when she slept with numerous men or did hard drugs), never.Three years ago, when we were both 30, I lost my job and then broke up with my boyfriend of four years. Pretty much everything fell apart in my life. (I had other problems that I won't delve into). She, on the other hand, finally had it together. She had a great job and got engaged. For the first time ever, the tables had turned and I needed her to support me a little. Not only did she not support me, she dropped me because I was a "downer." The whole experience was something out of the movie "Bridesmaids," except that I wasn't promiscuous.Now, three years later, I'm about to get married and my career is better than ever. Suddenly, she's turned up like nothing's happened. She called me and wrote me an email about how much she misses our friendship. Because we have mutual friends, I'm sure that she know that everything is going well with me.I hate this woman. I wish I didn't, but I do. I don't ever want to talk to her again. I just want some advice on how to deal with her and the terrible emotions that her reappearance in my life has brought up.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 June 2013):
 Email her back and say something like
"I'm flattered that you want to be part of my life again but I've changed a lot and do not think a renewed friendship with you fits into my life now." "I wish you all the success in your life as you move forward and would hope that you care enough about me to RESPECT my wishes."
and then delete her information (block her on social media and in mail and phone as most folks can see friends of friends and if you block her she sees nothing to feed her fire)
You have every right to choose who you can and cannot be friends with. OTOH perphaps a new friendship with boundaries would suit her needs and your feelings.
I will tell you that a friend of mine from age 14-24 or so and i were VERY close, at 24 we became less close and at 29 we lost contact (not from her lack of trying) finally last year (I was 52) I found her on facebook again. We are not best friends, but we are civil and social and have dinner a couple of times a year to catch up and touch base...
A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (2 June 2013):
 Hello, I'm a straightforward Aunty ....just wanted to get that out the way before I answer your question in parts a bit.First of all, you claim that you never judged her...but after all this time you still remember her antics in college? YOU ...on the other hand had it all together..right? From what I gather...in a round about subtle way....you were judging her and felt you were a little bit more mature than she was during college. Not everyone who goes to college will be the studious type who can do well. There are many young adults who go to college for the sole purpose of having a great party time ...with the added benefit of gaining an education. That's just how it is. I am positive that if you did a bit of deep HONEST soul searching, you will find that at that time, you were a bit jealous of her "good times".Now, I know exactly how you feel because the second part of your letter happened to me. I broke up with my boyfriend juuussssstt when my friend got engaged and she blanked me totally....because I was such a drag with all my tears and being bummed out about it. But what I have learned is that you go through different stages in your life when you have a bestie. It is very rare that you celebrate together because life just isn't that syncronized. On the flip side....a friend....a true friend should be there for you through thick and thin...that's it. No excuses...time should have been made for you when you needed her. Given that you share mutual friends, yep you are right...she knows how your life has changed in a beautiful way...but guess what...she wasn't there for the struggle to get there. There is a saying that goes " If you're absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present during my success". It's that simple. You want positive sustaining and "till death do us part" type of friends around you. Not only when you're happy friends.My advice....keep her out your life especially now that you are being blessed.Take care
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