A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been in a secret relationship for 6 years now. This is because my mum simply won't allow us to marry or be together. She strictly forbids it due to past conflict with their family against ours. (As you can imagine it's slightly a Romeo and Juliet situation).As he lives in Canada (I'm in the UK) we plan on running away together without my mum knowing. This is the only way we can be together. I know I'm 23 and can make my own decisions and it shouldn't matter what my mum says. But I still can't help but feel upset that she is not on board. I wondered if anyone had any advice on how to get around this issue. Have you married against your parents wishes and how has it turned out? I guess I am more curious and worried about what will happen with my relationship with my mum in my future. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 September 2016):
 Doing it behind her back is going to make the situation so much worse. You are an adult now, so be honest with her, if she kicks you out then find your own place. Stand on your own two feet and be honest with her. It is the only way.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 September 2016):
 What I just said : of course you will have to do that against her wishes, she made pretty clear that she does not want you to be with this guy.
So, how scheming and conniving and going behind her back will make things any better, and will make this union LESS aginst her wishes ?
It will make it worse.
I understand the logic in saving money until you can go live together with this guy , ... but, one woild think that giving your parents a little head up would be a nice thing. Are you planning to just let her come home one day and find you that you , and your belongings, have suddenly disappeared ? and letting her find out that you had been deceiving her all time and you had planned to run away like a thief , without even a see you soon ?...
Don't you realize what a provocatory, hostile, disrespectful action this is ?...
So she threatened to throw you out : well, good- you should be living out. So you could sink or swim. If you have a job ( I suppose so, since you talk about saving money, which you could not do if you had no income to save from ) what's the big deal in moving out, maybe with friends or roommmates if you can't afford it in your own ?...
You want to do what you want to do when you want to do it- and this is right, you are an adult ,not a child, and you have any right to either accept or reject your mother's advice as you see fit.
Then be an adult and act like an adult, owning your actions and opinions without honesty and integrity- and in your own turf.
If you keep acting like a naughty child who wants to pig out on cookies from the cookie jar without making mom mad, you will lose not only her forgiveness but also her respect.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2016): Step one demonstrate independence by getting your own place. Step two once out continue with your plan. Step three ask your mother to tell you how she can overcome her issues as you plan to marry. If you marry a family that dislike one another it creates tension for all time. This impacts on relationships. Be prepared.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (17 September 2016):
 I think marrying to close the distance is nearly always a bad idea because you're then tied to someone you love, but have little real life experiences with, even if you spend months together at a time.
Moving out is a good idea, though.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's not as simple as that.
Although we live apart (for work) we spent a few months at a time before he goes away again.
My mum quite frankly does not care that we love each other. She just wants me to cut ties with him and now finally believes that I have. Every time I stood up to her about it she'd threaten to kick me out of the house. We're still saving up enough money for us to move away together. But I feel like we are going to have to do this against her wishes.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (17 September 2016):
Quite frankly, OP, part of your problem is that keeping secrets was your answer, along with lying and running away being your future plan. It's immature and you need to act appropriately.
What happened between the families? In certain situations, I could understand your mum not wanting any link to them.
Stop keeping secrets, lying and hiding things. If you want to marry this guy, at some point, you have to be mature enough to handle the families without making it worse.
Out of curiosity, if he lives in Canada and you live in the UK, how did the families meet, how did you two meet and how have you been dating for 6 years?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (17 September 2016):
 You need to learn to stand up to your mum and be assertive. As you rightly point out, you are an adult and legally able to make your own decisions. It sounds like you are afraid to confront your mum but running away will only damage your relationship.
Have you any other member of the family who could help you here and provide moral support? Your dad or an aunt or uncle perhaps?
You need to tell your mother that you love her but this is the man you want to marry, regardless of bad blood between the families in the past. Perhaps tell her on neutral ground somewhere (take her out for a meal or something) so that she cannot react too harshly and has time to let the news sink in.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 September 2016):
I don't understand your logic, or what the elopement would actually solve.
I think, or at least hope, that you do not mean that your mom will physically prevent you from reaching him- like, by locking you into your room and keeping you prisoner.
The fact is, probably any time you exit your house you can make a trip to your local registry office and get married, if you want - whether mom likes it or not. She has no legal means to prevent that.
So, I guess what you mean , when you say she won't allow it, is just that she is fiercely opposed to the idea and if you did she would be mad, furious, heartbroken, shocked etc.etc.
Well, how is this going to change if you do it on the sly ? I think she would still be mad, furious, heartbroken, etc.etc., only twice as much, because you would add deception and backstabbing to what is, for now, a difference of opinions and plans aboout your future.
I have no idea how your mom would react and how long she would hold on to her grudges. Generally speaking, since we do not live anymore in Romeo and Juliet 's times... in time parents come around, and get used to the idea that they do not own their children and can't MAKE them do all they want- and also, that 's stupid and self punitive to lose a daughter or son just because you don't like their spouse.
Of course there may be exceptions to this rule, every family is different. But, what it is a constant, is that if they have to forgive you something- acting sly and secretive will NOT improve things and will NOT hasten a reconciliation.
In short- don't make it worse. If this is a love which is worth to fight for , then fight for it : but loyally and openly.
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