A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am having a scheduled c-section next FRI. because the baby is breech. My mom is not going to go. She said that she will just come by after work, she works in the same area as where the hospital is. But I am having the surgery at 10 a.m. and she won't be at the hospital until 4:30 p.m. She works for the post office, and she has this family medical leave of absence letter that she got from her doctor, and she told me all about how it permits her to miss all the time she wants to without being fired. She calls in a lot to go to the casino, bingo, and other things that she wants to do. She got it b/c she had a rash for several months but it has been gone for about 6 months now at least. She said that last Monday she was at work and she started "seeing stars" so she left work to go to the dr. and he gave her blood pressure medication because her BP was high. She took the next day off and went to the dr. and they took her BP and it was normal. She stopped by my house and asked me to go out shopping w/ her and me being 9 months pregnant, with an 11 mo. old daughter I said that no I didn't want to go b/c it was too much on me. When I went out with her in the past, since I had my daughter with me, she would always loose me anyways in the store or mall. She'd see me struggling to hold my daughter, the diaper bag, my purse, etc. and she never offered to help me out. So I quit going out with her basically lately because I am so far along in my pregnancy and my daughter already weighs almost 30 pounds and it's just really hard on me. Anyways, she stopped by the fallowing day as well, Wed. and told me she was feeling great now that she had her BP medicine and she was going out shopping and to the bar with my step dad. She told me she was having my step dad get her a dr.'s note from his friend who's a dr. so that she didn't have to go into work Thurs, because it was supposed to snow Wed. night, and she didn't want to work out in snow. I told her if you keep calling in, you won't be able to go to the baby's birth... Her reply was "well, we'll see" come to find out, she took the rest of the week off...even though she was fine. She called me Fri. night, and said that she wasn't going to the babie's birth and that she'd just stop by after work. She's trying to act as though it's because she was sick last week and HAD to miss all week of work, and that she's afraid to call in for my child's birth because she might get into trouble. But she has off tomorrow (mon) and she could switch her day off with someone that is off friday the day of my c-section. She had the nerve to ask me to go out with her mon. on her day off. All she cares about is gambling, money, shopping, and really shallow things. She's not family oriented at all, yet she favors my brother and my sister b/c my sister has money and with my brother, it's because my step dad likes him. Whatever a man likes or thinks, she agrees with. I feel stupid because I am so upset that she won't be there. I just really don't know if I should be upset, or if I am overreacting. She's going to South Carolina for a week in early April b/c my sister is having her baby and she lives in South Carolina. She bought her an expensive gift, and spent a lot of $ for airfare, and with me, she hasn't even mentioned getting me a baby gift. My sister already has a young daughter as well, and is having another girl so if my mom is getting her a gift, shouldn't she be getting me a gift? It's not about that though. I just feel so mad, hurt, sad, upset, and unimportant. Me and my sisters all know that my mom could go if she really wanted to go. She's known about it for a while now, and it seems to me like she took the week before my c-section off intentionally so she'd have an excuse to miss it. I also feel bad because I know that people are going to wonder why my mom isn't there, like my husband's family will ask me, and I think that I will get emotional and cry if they ask me, and I have to tell them..I'd really just like to know if I am overreacting or do I have the right to be hurt by this? And you may want to know from me why she would intentionally miss it, but honestly I don't know. I am struggeling to understand myself. When I try to think of a reason, the only thing I can come up with is that my step dad doesn't want her to go because his kids don't talk to him (he's a big alcoholic and a liar, bad person) and maybe he doesn't want us to be close. He used to say when they first met (right in front of me) "you love your daughter more than me" and my mom would always say "no I don't, I love you more" And when he moved in with my mom, I moved out and my mom started crying b/c I was leaving the house and my step dad got angry that she was crying so she told him that they were "tears of joy".
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female
reader, pixeydust +, writes (29 April 2008):
 You completely have the right to feel the way that you do. She should be more supportive of you, now more than ever. This is when you need her the most and she isn't there for you, but she is there for your sister and your brother. Apparently there is a bit of jealousy here, but I understand why, I would be as well so I am not faulting you for it and obviously your mother is a bit self-absorbed as well. It may be that she gets to see you all the time, you mentioned that she get plane tickets to see your sister, so apparently she lives pretty far away, which also means she doesn't get to see her as much. So she wants to be there for her when she has the baby, but that doesn't take away the fact that she needs to be there for you as well. If I were there I'd knock her upside the head and ask her what the hell she was thinking or at least sit down and have a long discussion with her. She needs to be there for ALL of her kids, not for just one or two of them....but for all three of you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): I think the way you feel is mainly hormone related although I have to say your mom sounds like a bit of a waste of space.
I dont know if you have had a c-section before but only 1 person will be allowed into theatre with you anyway, I assume that will be babys dad, so she doesnt need to be there spot on 10:30am.
I think it may be worth telling your mom that you would like her to come in earlier, also 4:30 is roughly hospital feeding time, make that an excuse.
Perhaps she needs to hear that you really would like her there sooner, maybe she feels equally pushed out as everyone else will be there.
As for the way you feel generally, you need to relax, especially now. Dont worry about presents and whether your stepdad is an ass, your sisters baby, your moms gambling etc its just not needed. At this time the most important thing is you and your baby. If your mom doesnt turn up - really its her loss, knowone in their right mind would opt to stay away from their daughter and beautiful newborn baby....it really will be her loss. And if anyone asks, tell them the truth - YOU shouldnt be embarrassed but SHE should!
I hope all goes well, I remember it like yesterday...am all broody now lol!
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A
male
reader, Paladin +, writes (9 March 2008):
 You didn't mention the babies father but I will assume he will be there. The point is you can not in any way control what someone else does. You appear to be a bright person and of course under the circumstances somewhat emotional. I do not suggest any confrontation with you mother even though I agree she should be there. This should be a happy time and with that in mind you might be better off that she will not be there. Next Friday will be the first day of you new borns life and I would hope you would preoccupy yourself with only the greatest of thoughts. You have your own family life focus on that and I think you would be better off. Regardless of how hard you try you will never change your mother but you certainly can have a profound affect on your children and their happiness. I hope you have a wonderful day next Friday.
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A
female
reader, velvetluv21 +, writes (9 March 2008):
I feel compelled to respond in some way because I just had a baby last Monday and my mom was there for me the whole time and I couldn't have imagined it without her. I think sometimes we forget that moms are people too and they have their own issues. It's really sad to say but it seems like she has an extreamly low self esteem and has a huge want to be accepted by anyone who shouldn't even have her time of day. It might be the best to say to her that you can't speak to her until she straightens out her life. No mother who doesn't have some emotional issues would ever choose anyone else over their own kids. This has nothing to do with you. You are just in the most unfortunate position of being the most affected. I don't know what the best thing for you to do now but she needs to know how you feel and maybe suggest some type of counceling. Good luck!
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