A
female
age
41-50,
*hatterbox123
writes:My sister just rang and told me she found another man in bed with my mother. We speculated mum was cheating on dad for a while, she swore on our lives and our childrens lives that she has and never would cheat on my dad...and now this has happend...my dad is going to be heart broken when he finds out, I think it will actually kill him, he loves her. I at the moment of hearing this news am shocked, angry and emotional, and feel betrayed myself, how do we get over this? Im 30 years old and hurting!! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 June 2011):
I would also add to the others, that you may benefit from some counselling of your own. If you are angry and feeling this way, others around you might see it and it might cause them more distress (e.g. if you have close friends, a boyfriend, children etc).
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): Hi honey, I reall feel you should try and go somewhere quietly and if you need to do it in the house with your Dad there, get him settled in bed or in the lounge with a hot drink and say you're just calling someone a friend etc and look up the local church, or free counselling services in your area, ask for a house visit. Make the purpose of the visit to help your Dad deal with this effectively and they will soon have him thinking about better things than feeling desperate. Good luck - don't give up until you find a caring person who will come to the house.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011): YOU be strong for them all. You can do it. Trust me, you can!
your mother is only looking out for herself. She has betrayed all of you ,not only your father.
Your mother has behaved despicably and the quicker u distance yourself from her, the better.
As for your kids, try not to have them around your mother. She is no role model for them.
One day at a time and slowly heal. It has been done before and you all can get over your mothers betrayal.
You all will have to make a decision whether your mother remain in your lives at all. A hard decision but an absolutely vital decision.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, chatterbox123 +, writes (14 June 2011):
chatterbox123 is verified as being by the original poster of the question dad had a silly row with my brother, thinking he was sticking up for my mother because she not been getting on with him lately...it all back fired, mum,kicked him out, Hes been staying with me for a month now. so for three weeks dads thinking its all to do with my brother, then my younger sister went home to visit her and caught her asleep in her marital bed with another man!! Mum has now told dad over the phone and he's a mess. Ive had to watch my dad cry and break down in front of me, its heart breaking. She just said that she'd fallen out of love with him a long time ago. The whole family is devastated, we cant understand that if she felt that way, then why did she string dad along. A month she says they have been separated, yet she told dad she's been seeing this guy for three weeks!! I feel nothing but hate for her at the moment, and my dad just "wants to fall asleep forever"...I cant deal with this its too much, Ive hardley slept since it came out, dads smoking and drinking more...what do I do..please help!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): Why is it that innocent people always get hurt?
Your mother proved her true character and well that's that. Right now your dad should be priority. Speak to him, take baby steps with him as he processes what his wife has done. Booth u and your sister should give him unconditional support. As for the cheater, maybe distance yourself from her as you all deal with her betrayal. One thing for certain: your mother is ungrateful and selfish.
What your dad needs to realise is that he is still very ytoung and he can make a life without her.
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): Oh dear, you poor thing and I'm so sorry for him. How was it she told him on the phone, are they separated. Anyway,
Try and hold positive thoughts for your father and consider praying for him and for his strength - as he will need that.
Good thoughts for people do work, imagine that he mights see a very positive silver lining in this despite his initial pain.
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A
female
reader, chatterbox123 +, writes (11 June 2011):
chatterbox123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell dad now knows, mum took the cowards way and told him over the phone. she didnt tell him that she was caught out though. everythings a mess, dads distraught and is constantly crying...rather hard for me to see as he is normally strong. I love my dad, but watching my Dad upset is upsetting me too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): Clearly your mother has some explaining to do to all of you at some point in her life for how she has been destructive in her manner of handling her feelings.
For now just try and be there for your father, you don't have to decide to take sides right now or even worry about your Dad, even though it hurts it is not your total responsibility.
I agree with you - shame on your mother for not dealing with this in a much more thoughtful manner.
Perhaps when you are ready you could help her decide how to tell him for the sake of peace. I do feel just awful for you, but perhaps at 50 - he can have a great next 20 years of good health and a gorgeous gentle soul will win his heart - it is possible I know other 50 somethings who manage to have a fresh start after relationships with previously 'scatty' mates.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (8 June 2011):
Your mother's affair is a result of a breakdown in her relationship with your father, and they both need to take responsibility for that. I know you are angry and upset with her and her actions, which is fair enough as this was not the only choice available to her. I hope though that you can also see her suffering and desparation, or whatever it is that has lead to this behaviour, for her to decide that this is the choice that she needed to make against all the other choices available to her. If this is not something she has shared with you, you might find some peace by finding out this side of the story, if she is able to even talk about it with you. I don't blame your father for this by the way, it is a joint responsibility that their relationship has reached this point, and they both need to look at how things have reached this outcome. It is not the things that happen to us, but how we respond to those things, that define us.
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A
female
reader, chatterbox123 +, writes (8 June 2011):
chatterbox123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for responses, at the moment, I dont have it in my heart to forgive her. She tried ringing me earlier , then text me in the end, because I couldnt face hearing her voice. We had a text row, her saying that we have to realise that she is an adult and deserves happiness, after not loving my dad for a long time. I got angry and told her what I thought. I believe that this has been going on for a while, and she needed anything to get out of her marriage. She hasn't even told my dad, which we have all told her she MUST do. My only hope is that my dad can get through this. He deserves better, men like him are hard to find. Its his 50th birthday this month and all plans to give him a great birthday have gone out the window. I'm praying this nightmare doesn't hurt him more, he has a weak heart as it is. He always used to joke that she would be the death of him, I that will not be the case
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): Without knowing a bit more about the relationshgip between your parents it's hard to know what is the right thing to say, other than I'm so sorry this has happened and that I am sure with some time you will be able to move on from this emotionally a lot better than you can imagine right now. Whatever happens do not let it destroy you or your feelings about family in your own life.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 June 2011):
To be honest, there seems to be more than just cheating that is wrong here. Overall, your mother strikes me as a woman who simply is after her own end, whether it's when your father stands up for her, or whether she's cheating. I don't believe for one second that she has your interests or anyone else's at heart. This is the sign of someone who is past that, and is only interested in herself.
Now, that can be good and bad news. Admittedly, it leaves a mess for you, your sister and your father. But that can be fixed over time so long as you stand by your father and let him know that you are there for him. You'd be surprised at how strong people can be when they have support behind them.
As for your mother - well, she swore on your lives, your children's lives and has clearly been at it before. Whether you forgive her or not is up to you. I'm not sure I'd trust someone like that though.
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A
female
reader, ClearSorted  +, writes (7 June 2011):
I empathise with your situation. Even it has my blood boiling. If your dad is egoist/ has bad health better not tell him. If you tell he'll get over this, tell him. Its pathetic why people cheat and lie so much. All I can say is be cool and be your best calm. Because anger will fuse off your thinking power. Take care of yourself and your dad.
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A
female
reader, chatterbox123 +, writes (7 June 2011):
chatterbox123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat hurts the most is that, they didnt even row this time, my dad had a felling out with my brother over the way he spoke to my mother in an argument...she kicked him out, when he was defending her. My other sister has spoken to her, and apparently she hasnt loved my dad for a long time. Everyone is angry and upset. My dad was only saying yesterday" when me and your mum are talking again..., " I still love your mum".... It hurts that she's doing this, and us kids are going to have to pick up the pieces like we do every time. Last time we all speculated she was having an affair, dad found out and was so depressed, she in fact was the one who took him back..saying she missed him, she loves him...blah, blah, blah. and he was like putty in her hands, doing everything, so she doesnt even have to lift a finger around the house. My poor dad, this is going to kill him, she has humiliated him and lied to the whole family... I actually HATE her for doing this to him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): Nothing is unforgivable, but it can be very hard to understand.
Read some books on affairs, self esteem, and marriage problems, it will help you.
Try to understand, and work to forgive. It will help you more than anything else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): Hi, 30 years old and hurting.
Although what your mother did was hurtful to you, imagine your dad's feelings.
Right now you have to be supportive. Allow your parents to deal with this themselves. You are a grown woman and know that we all make mistakes, some worst then others. I guess your mother should have divorced your dad long ago and then take care of her business; but I guess she did not want to break up the family did not want to look bad. Try not to take this personally, this has nothing to do with you (i'm not saying it does not impact on you and family, it does) i'm just trying to emphasis that this is really your parent's situation. Let them deal with it. All the best!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): You unpack this slowly. Also u need to tell your mum that her betrayal is unforgivable esp since she made all those empty promises. Now her children will look at her critically and judge her. And why not!
As for your dad. Just be honest with him no matter how hurt he will be. Help him through this one day at a time.
Don't let your mother to manipulate you and your sister into hiding her cheating from your father.
Well your mother that her game is up. Now for the consequences. do u think your mother will end her affair or want to go on with her lover? Or will she cry crocodile tears and pretend she is sorry?
LoveGirl
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