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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My mum told me this morning that if I didn't settle down with someone now then I never will. Im 23, single and at the moment Im happy just focusing on my job. I have lots of friends who I go out with every week and have a really good time but I havent yet met someone who I like. And to be honest I am not bothered. The thought of settling down now scares me. I have been in love in the past and had boyfriends but I am just in a stage at the moment where I dont fancy anyone and I dont care. Is this wrong? Am I too old to be going out every weekend? Do you think I ought to think about settling down? What she said has worried me. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): no no no noooooooooo honey, you are still young, and youre about just starting to enjoy your life, i understand your mother, but this is not gonna help you.she is not that really worry on your love life but she is just scared of whats gonna happen when she gets old and youre still not married yet.she want to see whos gonna be your husband, she want to make it sure that you will be ok with your husband and future family.but hey'no body knows tomm.this is your life,in the end youre still the one who have to decide for your own life. as long you are enjoying your life now just go for it, why not... take care and bless you... good luck... gladyz
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): I am someone who just turned 50 and I have never been married and I have no children....any regrets? Maybe a few, I would not be alive at this age with no regrets, that said I have had a very interesting life and a very lucrative career.....now that I am older my career has slowed down and I have turned to more personal endeavors like creating things and starting my own business (for the second time, I did this once in my early 30's).
I have my family, I have friends who I consider family and I have had several long term romances that did not end in marriage....I almost married out of college at 22, and I am glad I didn't because my fellow would have left me most likely, he married a girl right after dating me and divorced her 5 years later...
I have traveled a lot and I have been able to do things that many of my married frieinds could not do...so basically I have had a very blessed and happy life....
I intend to get married in the next couple of years and I fully believe that I can make that happen and that there is a man out there for me because I believe if you want to be married then you will be at any age.
If you want to have children, you may want to consider getting married by the time you are about 30, as many career women who waited to marry and have kids thinking that they could have it all, found it very difficult if not impossible to conceive a child, so that is something to consider if you want kids, but it may not happen for you just that way.
You don't have to be married or in a relationship to be happy, in fact marriage is truly not for everyone and that does not make them a bad person, it is just that they might be happier being single and feel their contribution to the world does not lie in having children and raising them, but something else.
You have to respect that your mother being from a different generation may be dissappointed in your choices as she wants grandchildren, but that does not mean that you have to live your life to please her, just respect her feelings about it and go on....live your life it is the only one you get.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): Wonderful advice from Juliette, below. Good for you to be happy and satisfied with your career, your job, your friends, your social life. Get out..have fun-you are so wonderfully young and vibrant! I have a 27 year old daughter like you...she's content with her career and in no big rush. She's a mature, very independant, strong girl and her life is meaningful and happy. We all want our kids to flourish as adults, find love, have babies and settle down. Mom wants that for you so in effect...she's projecting her wants-her expectations, onto you. Us Mom's are 'notoriously' famous for that and it's simply because,...we love our kids-and we have that old fashioned notion, that marriage and babies are the end all. So cut Mom some slack, give her a big hug, smile and say..'I'm happy with my life as it is, Mom' and change the subject. Of course, you will eventually find someone..someday. I know many women who have careers into their 30's, settle and have kids. Take your time in the love department. You want to make the most, wisest, best choices for your future. Hang in there and good luck.
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A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (7 January 2007):
 Hi anonymous,
There's no need to hurry up and get married. You say that you're having fun now and that's all that matters. If you rush to get hitched to someone just for the sake of settling down and nothing else, then what would the result be? Probably nothing positive. If you end up marrying the wrong person beause you just want to hurry up and get married then you'll probably end up feeling stuck and miserable.
Listen, live life the way you want. Don't let anyone tell you that you *should* be settling down - at any point in your life! Who knows - you might be happy being single for years to come. And there's nothing wrong with that! I have friends who are in their 30's and are happy being single. Everyone is different, you know?
Try not to let what your mother say bother you. While that way of thinking might be good in her own life, it's obviously not fitting in your's. So I agree with Juliette when she says "it sounds like a bit of a generation gap view on expectations of life."
Like I always say, live life for *you*, not someone else - especially when it comes to your romantic relationships.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, DeeDoc +, writes (7 January 2007):
 THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS: Oh sweetie, your mum probably is fretting due to the fact that you are going out every weekend and she is worried. Like most mothers do. In this case, she has set upon your worried young mind that you are doing something wrong. You are not. You are of age to do what you want and what you are doing is just fine. You are focused on your job and take up with friends on the weekend. No worries. I say touche' to you for not wanting to be bothered with a relationship that you are not ready for. Too many people tend to rush into a relationship because they want the fairy tale relationship right away. A quick fix. It doesn't happen like that in real life. I applaud you for your actions. And as far as your mum goes, she does not know the extent of the impact she has left upon you. Tell her how happy you are just being single at this point. Ask her why does she feel this way. Talk about your plans with her. Both of you, in my opinion, needs one another's assurance. You are doing a fabulous job with your life dear. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): Hi anonymous
First, I think your mum happens to be wrong. When people give you opinions, it always comes from their own experiences. Take some time to think about the things she has told you about her life and see why you think she would say such a thing. You could also try just asking her.
My opinion is that couples who stay successfully, in our generation, tend to get together at a later age when they have done more "independent" things with their life. I don't think there is anything wrong with you being 23, single, focusing on your job and going out every weekend. I think what is normal is being true to yourself. To enjoy life, but also be doing things that involve goals of some kind.
Broadly speaking, this generation is fascinating to study. There is a class of people who find themselves with children, or in marriages at very early ages. I happen to think this is due to circumstances that conflict with their freedom of choice. I'll let people make of that what they will. ;) The other class of people are those who are getting married, and having children, later on in life. From their late 20's, their 30's and their 40s. These kind of people generally have had enough relationships and experiences to know what kind of person would be most suited for them and they have done the things in life that have satisfied that need to feel independent and single so they really are “ready” to take on the pressures of a faithful, monogamous strong marriage and to be strong inspiring parents.
Another point to mention is that marriage and children happened to teenagers and people in their early 20's in generations before you because there was no reliable form of contraception. Generally you had to marry the person you had sex with. This was especially true because women were not able to financially support themselves; they were dependant on the father of her children. You women no longer have this dependency to a man, you have more freedoms – similarly, men too don’t have to marry the women he has sex with.
The world has changed a lot, hasn't it? I don't think you should think about settling down, not if you don't want to. Nor should you worry. Whilst your mum will always be someone you can learn from through her experience and knowledge, you are now also at that stage where you are an adult and you are finding things out about the world that perhaps she does not know. Your development has reached a stage where you no longer believe everything your parents say is true, you in fact will end up correcting her as she becomes elderly!
I think if you have a good relationship with your mum it would be interesting to talk about how her life was when she was your age and she also would benefit from hearing how life is for you now. Perhaps if she understood you a little better she may change her opinion about wishing you to settle down so soon?
All the best :)
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A
female
reader, Juliette  +, writes (7 January 2007):
 It sounds like a bit of a generation gap view on expectations of life. I think you 'settle down' if you have a desire to be a mother and wife, but not everyone sees that as their lot in life these days. Anyway, who says you have to settle down even if you are married?
In my view you should just get on with your life and see what comes along, if it is your job that does it for you just now then there is no problem with that. Besides, poeple cannot just decide to settle down and suddenly come up with a suitable person to do that with. Some may meet that person at age 14 (as many old timers will tell you when they married their childhood sweetheart) whilst others are still waiting to settle down when they are 70+.
I think your mother has worried you for no reason. I am 53 so maybe older than your mother and settling down is something my mother used to say to my sister who is 15 years older than me, and even then my sister had reached 30 so was definately (or maybe defiantly!) on the shelf.
Live your own life, and as long as you are not hurting other people, you are doing OK.
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