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male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm 18 and about 4 months ago, I came out to my group of 5 friends as gay and thankfully, everyone was more than OK with it.Then, about a month after me coming out, we started talking, and he explained to me that he got turned on by men and ever since I came out, he's been playing with the idea of being gay. I know that he's already gone through one phase of thinking he might be gay when he was about 14, (he's now 17), is it possible to go through two phases, or is this genuine and he is gay/bi. In the following months, we've mutually masturbated, given each other hand jobs and I've given him a blow job, it even went as far as him penetrating me, but he pulled out at the lest second, which was OK. When it's just me and him, he says comments which I know I am to take in 'that' way. If he's sitting down, and I'm standing up, he says "That's a nice view", looking at my crotch. He's told me in great detail (he's just like that) of the number of penises he's seen, and comments on how good looking he thinks some guys are (just to me though).So I'm confused. He's told me he's not straight, but I'm not sure if he's just being inquisitive and just wants to experiment. Most of the time, I don't know what's going through his mind. He randomly comes out with comments like those above, but the next minute, he's totally off the idea. The biggest problem is that I've developed strong feelings of love towards him, and I'm not sure he feels the same way towards me. I want to talk to him about it, tell him my feelings, but I'm not sure how he's going to cope, and it might ruin our friendship. He's good-looking and has loads or charm and charisma, everyone likes him. There are rumours that another girl likes him, he says he's just going to go with the flow with her, but I'm scared he's going to go for her instead of me. I know I'm being selfish, but I can't help my feelings towards him, and what makes things worse is that this girl, I'm not to keen on her as a person. The whole thing is driving me crazy, I can't stop thinking about him; I go to sleep thinking about him, he's the first thing I think about when I wake up. I want to know what his feelings are, and I want him to know what mine are.Can you please help me!!!
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (10 January 2007):
Just to set the record straight, no pun intended, your friend is definitely either gay or bi. It is true he may be going through a phase, but that phase will only be in determining the extent to which he is gay or bi. He is definitely not only straight, I can assure you that a straight guy will not have done some of the things he has done, so he is definitely in the ballpark.
Whether or not he has genuine feelings for you or is simply using you to learn about this side of him that he has no experience with, is another matter. You have developed strong feelings for him. He might have strong feelings for you too. Or he might be a young 17 year old coming to terms with his sexuality, learning about himself, experimenting to find out the extent to which he likes girls and the extent to which he likes boys. I don't believe there is anything wrong with young people experimenting with their sexuality, but sometimes this experimenting takes the form of one person using another person to learn about themselves. Or two people using eachother to each learn new things. If your friend is using you to learn about himself, and you have feelings for him, you stand to get hurt emotionally.
In this situation, because you are emotionally involved with him, you need to decide what you want, what is best for you. I think your fears are possible, and that it is possible that he could choose this girl instead of you. Your fears about talking to him might also be true, he might not have the same feelings and it might impact on your friendship. Nevertheless my advise is this - be true to yourself and be honest with yourself. There is no point in hiding the truth becuase the truth with come out one way or another. You don't need to make any demands on him that you think he might not be ready or willing to give, but you can tell him how you feel if you give him the freedom to feel what he feels, and be who he wants to be. That might be painful if he does not feel the same way you do, but if it is the truth, facing it will make it easier to accept than to live in denial.
You can choose to say nothing, and wait to see how it might play out, but you might miss your opportunities to tell him how you feel. At least if you tell him how you feel, you can stand proud for who you are and what you feel. Even if you get shot down, at least you gave it a shot yourself. Ultimately, don't follow my advise, just think about it and then decide what you think is best.
Good luck.
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