A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I would appreciate any advice.. My Mum was diagnosed with rectal cancer last week and has to undergo chemo and radiation therapy combined before an operation in January. She may have to have chemo afterwards too. This has all come as a massive shock as Mum was a fit and healthy 64 year old - or appeared to be. I have a terrible dilemma in that I was supposed to be emigrating to Oz next month (though possibly making a couple of trips back to the UK next year) to be with my boyfriend (who is 33) who has waited a year out there for me to get stuff organised and get out there. Our relationship has been under a terrible strain and I have only been able to see him once for 3 weeks in the past 12 months due to studying (I have been finishing a degree as a mature student). When I told him the news he said he didn't think he could wait any longer that "he didn't want another month like the last one" and he got quite angry about it all and that he does not want to be in the way of yet another conflict in my life (when we first met 3 years ago I was finalising my divorce). He also told me during the same conversation that he had gone out on Saturday night and enjoyed himself for the first time in ages, that he had had to use 'self restraint' (?) and that he felt if he started to go out every Saturday night he would end up meeting someone else. He was basically saying he can't wait any longer and I felt threatened - which was horrible. I felt so terribly upset by all this - like I'm being kicked when I'm right down anyway. I feel I am stuck because I want to be supportive to my Mum during this time but I don't want to lose my boyfriend. I love him and we have worked so hard to get Oz lined up and hope to live our dream together. I feel either way I will lose someone or something. I suggested that I come out there for 4 weeks just prior to Xmas and he said he felt that was crazy and would not achieve anything and that he can't have me coming in and out of his life it hurts and that his life is going nowhere. I asked him about whether he would consider coming back to the UK for Xmas and he complained about the cost of the flight and wasn't sure how he'd pay for it (he is in full time work out there but is frustrated by the lack of progress in his job also). I feel he is not really looking for a solution to help me though he seems calmer since - but I'm beginning to feel rejected. I don't know what to do. I am scared I will lose my dreams but don't want to abandon anyone I love either. Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): hey,
i'm really sorry to hear about the situation you are in, it is extremely tough.
your boyfriend does not seem to have shown much compassion to you in your current awful dilemma! it's a terrible blow to get such news about someone close to you & he sounded to me to be completely selfish & self-centred about the whole thing.
if it were me i might take a break for a while, give him permission to go out and meet other people if that's what he really wants. maybe when he has the freedom to do it he wont feel like it so much... or of course, the risk is maybe he will. either way, it might give you some head space for the moment with regard to the pressure you are feeling under about going out there to appease him so he doesn't have to live a 'restrained' life, and then supporting your mum. you could travel to aus when you feel ready, & more comfortable with leaving and you know how your mum is coping.
you haven't said whether the sole reason you were travelling to aus was to be with your boyf, or whether it was also because there are better employment opportunities down there for you. perhaps you could travel instead with a more independent mindset i.e. if for work, by investigating job options and living arrangements there before leaving the UK, or if for travel, you could book yourself accomodation, trips etc. either way, when you arrive, you will be in a position to 'look after' yourself without relying on him and could arrange to meet up with him on your own time & see what he has to say. travelling solo in australia is extremely easy BTW, & you will meet many ppl along the way. and absolutely buy a return ticket in case you need to return home for any reason, as you will need every cent of your money once you're in oz.
with regard to your mum, cancer & the treatment affects everyone differently, but one thing is certain, it is almost always life changing for the person involved. my own mum had breast cancer 2 year ago & I was the sole family member around at the time who could look after her. the main support i could offer at the time was driving her to her appointments, visiting her in hospital etc. emotionally she became a bit withdrawn prob because physically she felt exhausted & v low from the chemo. but i would certainly recommend your mum to meet up with any support groups in your local area as the ppl there being survivors of cancer themselves will understand exactly how ur mum is feelig & be able to offer her the emotional support she really needs right now. depending on your relationship with your mum, maybe she will want you there for support or maybe she will reach a point where she will be ok with you leaving. either way i would wait for a while so both you and your mum get a clearer picture of her health situation.
i wish you and your mum the very best. xx
A
female
reader, Rose_red_09 +, writes (1 October 2009):
This is really a tough call - I understand that your boyfriend has been driven to distraction with the waiting for you but it's not like you are saying that you want to delay going out there because you want to party....You want to be there for your mum.All I can say is that I nearly lost my lovely mum this year - 2 heart attacks, pancreatitus and water on the lungs. I was so desperate to be with her as I had no idea what was going to happen and I thank God that I have been with her every step of the way. Of course - this was right for me and the right decision for me. She is on the mend now and of course more precious to me than ever.For you - well yo need to speak to your boyfriend - if you have your lives together, what are a few extra months??? I know its not easy - but I always say in life - have no regrets.Good luck to you and your mum.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity  +, writes (1 October 2009):
 This must be a very very tough decision for you. I hope that I'll be able to help you out about, but only you know what the appropriate choice is.
First let's think about your mother. I am assuming that you are on good terms with her and that she was a good mother to you. Is her husband still alive? Does she have other children to support her? There are other people to take care of her most likely, but that's beside the point. She is going through a very tough time in her life, and I'm assuming that she would love to see you. It's good that you have finished your schooling, because that won't be a factor in your decision. Is this life threatening, what she's going through? Will this be your last chance to see her? Do you think she'll hold it against you if you aren't there? These are all questions that you have to ask yourself.
Now. Your boyfriend. I think as harsh as his words might sound, it's good that he is giving you an honest portrayal of how he is feeling at the moment, because that'll give you good insight on his part in the equation. The fact that he is feeling restless is completely normal. He doesn't get to see you often, and let's face it, he's a guy. He can't really wait for you forever. There are a lot of opportunities out there and it's really not fair that he has to wait around and sit in the house. On the other hand, he knew what he was getting into from the beginning of your relationship. What troubles me is that you keep making suggestions as to how you two can meet up, and he keeps making excuses not to. It seems like he is just getting tired of it all. Either you move now, or he stops using 'self restraint'. This isn't fair to you at all, and it leaves you with a very important decision.
What I would do? It doesn't seem like long distance is working for your boyfriend. He isn't really willing to compromise, rather he offers you ultimatums. This might be a clue as to how the future might be with him. Your mother has something rather serious going on with her life. Do you think you could leave it all guilt free to enjoy living with this boyfriend of yours? As hard as it is, I think the best option would be to stay where you are and leave the decision up to your boyfriend. Tell him he has to understand that your mother is going through chemo, and if he doesn't think that he can wait with 'self restraint' on himself, that maybe you two should start finding other people. Don't be destroyed if he picks breaking up, because that just means that you will get to pick up the pieces and find someone a little closer to home. Someone that can help you while you help your mother.
This is a very tough decision, but I think you know which is right more than I do. You are living the situation and you know these two people more than I do. Again, hoped I helped however! Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): I am so sorry that you are going thru all of this, and will pray that your Mother gets better soon.
On the position of your bf.... sorry but if he was really and truely your one and only, surely he would have shown some concern towards you in your situation not moaning about his situation??
From what he is saying to you, sounds like he is playing the field, now do you really want to emigrate and have to put up with him and his nonsense??
Think carefully about your choices...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): sorry but can you please clarify why you think a guy who wont understand why you might want to be with your Mum who has CANCER is worth being with.
Frankly if I had a girlfriend like that Id tell her to go out and knock herself out.
Hes not a gentleman and you deserve a lot lot better.
Look after your Mum she deserves your love and when she is better youll be in a better place to make such a massive move.
I hope this helps.
Elpigaro
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (1 October 2009):
 This is a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. The choice is yours and there is no right answer. You just have to make some sort of decision right or wrong.
There is always a chance that you and your boyfriend won't break up, but you seem doubtful about the prospects if you don't go now.
You could buy a return ticket and come back to see your mum in a few months. That would allow time to see how things are working down under and mean you could get back to see mum.
Don't get trapped in Aus. Always make sure you have your fare home. Too many people find it isn't always to their liking.
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