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writes: I have been married for 4 1/2 years now. For the past 3 years I noticed that my husband started complaining about every little thing in the house. Eg if I put my laptop on the table and my daughter spills water in it he would scream at me in front of our 2 kids and call me Fucking stupid or an asshole! I mean really shout. Am writing this because today my 4 year old daughter came to me after my husband screamed at me and said, "I don't like papa, because he shouts at you" he is not good mama. This broke my heart and I could feel the hate rage growing in me on this man. To make it worse he shouts at me even in front of my friends or his mom. His mom once sat down with him and told him that's not a way to speak to a lady snd he answered not if she is stupid and acts like a kid. I feel disrespected in this marriage and every time we have sex I don't even think of him because it turns me off if I do. The only picture I get in my head during sex is of this angry guy shouting at me and making me feel like crying. He never appreciate me. He is 48 and am 26 years old. We have two kids together and that's the only thing keeping me staying here and try to work it out. When he comes back from work it's always, why is this here, why is the kitchen dirty, why didn't you make fresh bread, why haven't you done shoppings yet? Why why why whys! I am so tired and terrified every time he calls my name in the house because I know it means he wants to complain. I feel like I live with my father than my husband. It's a complete turn off and I feel myself slipping away everyday. I even once took my passport after he screamed at me and packed to leave but he told me I can't take the kids. By the way he apologises later every-time this happens and he would hold me and tell me he still loves me. I don't buy this crap. The only reason I stay is for the kids. How long is this gonna last and what should I do? Yes I have tried speaking to him about how unhappy this makes me feel and be tells me I need to grow up am so irresponsible he is just helping me. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2013): My parents have a big age gap too. My dad is 16 years older than my mum. They were married for 25 years ( together for 28 years in total), but that was a big mistake!!. They apparently stayed together for the sake of me and my brother, but they shouldn't have done that. They had lots of arguments, and they were violent towards each other. My mum used to throw toys at my dad, and she picked an iron up once, as if she was going to throw it at him ( she didn't ). My dad also hit my mum, and smashed a plate on her head once!. It's lucky that neither of them got killed!!. They also slept in separate bedrooms towards the end of the marriage.
Please don't make the mistake of staying with your husband. Do you really want your kids to stay in an environment like that?. Do you want to risk them seeing you both argue, and for things to possibly turn violent?. Don't you think they would have a much happier life with you on your own?. My mum told me that she wanted to leave when me and my brother were very young, and I wish she had.
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reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (12 June 2013):
 He needs professional help. Does he realise he's like it?
If he won't agree to get help, there's no way he will ever improve.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): Do you have family you can stay with. Mum, dad etc... I'm sure if you tell them they would support you in getting away from him. I think recording him would be a good idea but be sure not to egg him on as they could say you pushed him to it and could go in him favour. Good luck. The court favour the mother and if the house is in both your name then you would probably get the house as you have the children.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (12 June 2013):
 YES he certainly is helping you jk101; helping you to leave him in his own misery without you and the children!If you have access to a passport then you will know that the children cannot be taken out of the country without prior consent of the other parent, lest you’d appear to be kidnapping them. If per say you left for a holiday, it maybe viewed differently as you’d be coming back into the country.Meanwhile you have received a message all loud, clear and innocent from the mouths of babes; “I don’t like Papa…” I’d encourage you to hold onto those words and let them be the only words that ‘shout at you’ too motivate you away from this abusive wrenched so called husband! He is certainly wicked and a disgrace even to his Mother who stood up for you by saying; that's not a way to speak to a lady… I believe him to be a poor example to your children in how anyone should be treated and spoken to. They would grow up thinking this is acceptable behaviour, to be tolerated as something normal when it is far from it!Take Care – CAA
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): you ask how long you will have to live like this? well, since you are insisting on staying with your husband for the sake of your kids, the answer is that you will have to live like this until all of your kids are grown up and don't need you to stay with their father for their sake anymore. How long will that take? 15 years? But if you have another kid along the way then of course that will re-start the clock all over again. however, realize that no one is making you stay, only YOU are. You are free to leave (with your kids) anytime.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): "We have two kids together and that's the only thing keeping me staying here and try to work it out"
So for three-quarters of your marriage he has been abusive. The first quarter it's likely he just was just still hiding his real self. So, what is there to work out? This is the default.
"How long is this gonna last and what should I do? "
This will last forever if you let it. He will never change. You should not stay for the kids, they will be much better off if they are not living in the same house as this guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for you advice. Yes his father was very very abusive. He even told me himself that he wish his mom had left him because she was so unhappy(he passed away 4years ago) When his mom spoke to him she told him she was afraid that he behaves like his father. I also pointed this out to him. I have asked him for a divorce twice and he tells me if I want a divorce I can't take the kids with me. I can't survive without them, they are my everything. I have no money and I just started up a new business which cannot even pay my bills yet. I plan to record his tantrums and use them as evidence that he is not fit to raise the kids. Thank you all!
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (12 June 2013):
 Leave for yourself and your children. You are there mother and you have every right to take them away from an abusive husband. He tortures you like this because he knows he can. Because he thinks he has you in his grasps. He has no respect for his mother, the woman who birthed him! There is no doubt that he will never stop treating you like this. It is difficult and rare for a man like that to truly change.
I pray that you leave him and be happy elsewhere. A bitter household is no place to raise a child. Continue staying with him and it is likely they will grow resentful and harsh toward everyone in their lives even if they do not mean to be.
Do not feel like you owe him anything. You weep and you feel weak against him because that is how abusive people work. That is how they want you to feel so that you will seek their approval. Do whatever you can to leave him and don't regret.
I hope that helps.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (11 June 2013):
 So this old creep is torturing you... and you ask, primarily, "how long do I have to endure this "for the kids' sake?"
Well... good luck... because the answer is.... you REALLY don't have to endure his abuse for more than a few minutes!!! Your kids will do just fine if you walk away from this miserable character... and make a FAR BETTER life for you and your kids WITHOUT HIM IN IT!!!!!
Good luck...
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): You are not doing your children any favor by staying with him. Talk to an attorney and know your rights & get away from him. Don't allow anyone to treat you that way, it won't be long until he is screaming at your children & name calling them. He is the one who needs to grow up & and needs to learn to treat the mother of his children with respect, and control his anger.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): How long will you have to live like this? Until you gather the courage to leave, or they have to wheel you out in a straight-jacket. He is abusive and dangerous; and upsetting the children. It is affecting them and will cause trauma that will last them a life-time. They'll end up in therapy; if you don't end up in an early grave. Verbal abuse will hurt you both physically and emotionally.Your health will start to deteriorate and your mental health is already showing wear. Who will take care of your children if you end up hospitalized?Him?He is the product of the same. His father most likely abused his mother the very same way. If you have sons, they will be just like him. You don't want that.Go home to your parents if you can't financially support yourself. Find a shelter for battered women, and start filing for a divorce.He is sick and he will not get better until he hits rock bottom. The only thing holding you there is your fear of him, and what you are afraid he may do. He has psychologically conditioned you to be paralyzed with fear. You can't even react on your normal human and maternal instincts.If you file for protection, he cannot challenge you for the custody of your children. Even a four year-old knows he is a terrible man. What is it going to take?You have sought advice and here it is. Leave him now!If you don't, the children will start to act out and have night terrors. His abuse is causing profound damage that will take you a life-time to get over.Next time he has a tantrum, you must contact the local authorities and seek protection. Call your nearest family member to come and remove you and the children from the house; while the police are still there. File a report for domestic abuse and contact a divorce attorney. These situations have a tragic ending; if the abused victim doesn't take action to protect themselves. This is going to escalate to violence. Men with his temperament rarely remain verbal. It's just a matter of time before they become physically violent. He screams at you in front of your children! That is as bad as raising his fist.This type of post will draw a lot of attention from the agony aunts. I hope someone can convince you that you have to leave that environment for the sake of your children, as well as yourself. I hope there is an agony aunt in your country who will see your post and direct you to specific organizations or shelters that are available to help woman in your situation. You need to hear it from other women. It will empower you and release you from your fear.
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