A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have had an amazing relationship. We clicked right from the start and I have to say that I have never had feelings for anyone else than I have for her. We had a small issue earlier this year where she thought she didn't have feelings for me anymore, yet when she came over to break up with me we ended up having sex for over 4 hours. We got back together the next day when she called me saying that she made a huge mistake by letting me go and that she was simply scared about being hurt again (her last relationship cost her a lot - physically, mentally and financially). After that, we spent a lot of our available time together. A few months ago, she asked my permission to wear the promise ring I had gave her earlier in our relationship on her left ring finger, as she wanted to show the world that I meant that much to her. I gave my permission and she asked for it again because she wanted to make sure that I understood what the gesture would look like (the ring is diamond and looks like an engagement ring). At one point she said that if I was patient with her, one day when if I asked her to marry me, I'd get the answer I want. She also reminded me all the time how special I was, how good I am to her and how I treat her kids as though they were my own. She was about to go on a weekend trip and before she left we kissed and she told me that I was the only person in her life that didn't caused her stress. All seemed perfect. Then after she got home from this trip, I get a text message from her saying things were going too fast and she needed space. She felt we had a pseudo-marriage thing going on and it was too soon for that as far as she was concerned. I was stunned. She said she knew she was hurting me but she said she was feeling overwhelmed and had to ask me for this (she has a lot of drama going on in her life). She wants to scale back to only seeing each other 4-5 times a month, as opposed to the 10-14 days we see each other now. She said she loves me and wants to be with me but this is what she needs now. She asked me to go over to her place last night and as soon as I walked in, she was all over me. Very passionate kisses and then she looked me in the eye and told me she loved me. It was almost as though she feels down deep I will give her what she wants and that made her feel calm and at ease. I don't know what to do. If I give her what she wants, how do I know I will get what I want later? I feel very upset because I don't think she was honest with me before about what she wanted. I spoke with a female friend of mine and she told me that if I love her then I will be patient and give her space. Could I get some objective feedback on what I should do? Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2013): she sounds really unstable. And as a rule of thumb, unstable people make terrible relationship partners, and now you know why.
either that or she's got something up her sleeve and is manipulating you as and when her other situation changes.
A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (13 June 2013):
SensitiveBloke gives sage advice.
Ask yourself - do you really want to be putting up with this crap for the rest of your life?
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (12 June 2013):
 She sounds like a childish emotional drama queen. She will probably always be like this. Is this what you want from a relationship, cos this is what you will be stuck with.
Your choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): I had to ask my bf for some space, because I felt like I just needed room to be me. He told me that if that is what I want, then he will give that to me, but it will change how he sees me and how he sees our relationship. He said if I am not in his life enough, he will have to get what he relies on me for, from others (not sex). He told me he would give me what I wanted, but also told me what the consequences will be FOR HIM. This made me quite frightened of loosing him. It was a bit of a shock and I realized I needed to appreciate and value or relationship again. I never took any space, but rather, valued him a whole lot more.Your gf sounds like she wants a committed relationship, but is also afraid of it. It will take a lot of love and patience and understanding on your part to be with someone like that. If she is afraid of commitment, then the only time she will ever truly commit to you, is after she has lost you, and had to fight hard to get you back.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (12 June 2013):
 I agree with the first post..
Back off from her and do your own thing for a while! She is all about the drama and having control! Speed up, slow down...I want you I dont want you...it's way too confusing!
I think you are scared of losing her, and who knows, it could work out but you need to take control and withdraw a little and not let her know your every move.
Will she threaten to leave you...yep she might (to create more drama)...will she ACTUALLY leave you...nope not a chance!! cos she's got things just the way she wants.
Shake her up a little and leave her wondering...that way she might start behaving herself and making more of an effort to please you rather than you being the 'pleaser' all of the time!!
Good luck and keep us posted!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): She sounds like my ex! I was involved with someone who's life was a bit of a mess. I was her rock, her comfort, whatever. She professed love for me and we talked about marriage and kids, she made all the running. I was happy to be in a relationship with her, she was always looking at the next step.Out of the blue she announced that she no longer had feelings for me. I took her stuff back to her place and cried, she held me and told me that she still loved me and she just needed some space. A week later she moved back in with her ex!We got involved again a few months later and it was the same thing. Plans to move in together, talking about marriage and kids. We even had appointments booked to check out local schools for her kids. After what had happened first time around I snooped on her phone. She was arranging to go away for a weekend to meet up with her ex. The next thing I got this long text from her about how much I meant to her and how she was going to spend her life with me etc. but would it be ok if she went away to see an old friend for the weekend? Needless to say I ended it there and then.Things just don't sound right about your relationship. The hot/cold approach from her, the wanting to see less of you, the wanting space. What do you want out of this relationship? It sounds as if you're there to support this woman and your needs are secondary.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (12 June 2013):
How old is this lady...she sounds like a teenager...
Anyway I think she has insecure tendencies because it seems like when she is away from you, she thinks she needs space and freedom. It isn't a bad thing but her 180 degree behaviour is something to keep in mind.
You say she has drama in her life but honestly everyone has drama in their life so it doesn't give em the right to lead on people and to be hot and cold. It is either she wants to be committed to you or not. It doesn't have to be marriage but a relationship isn't bottle cover to be opened and close whenever you feel like.
I think you are being too nice to her and if you don't take some charge or hold of the situation she will end up hurting you when her emotions get carried away. You have a right to not want what she wants.
This is a woman who clearly doesn't know what she wants....so how can you give her what she wants if she doesn't even know what it is. Having patience doesn't mean giving in to everything. And if you keep having her pull you by a string then you shouldnt expect a decent marriage as well. You sort of have to try moulding her from now and making her think about situations so she can make better decisions. Basically you have to begin taking charge of the situation and guide her.
I feel like if you give her space (which is fine to do) she may repeat these patterns but solitude can help some situations. Whatever you choose, make it so that she becomes a better person because something isn't right and I can't put my finger on it. I wish you luck but I feel like you have a long road ahead of you, so taking things slow might be a good idea.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (12 June 2013):
Wow! I think I love you! You sound very caring and loving towards your girlfriend. I think you guys have a kinda of passion that we would all love in the bedroom......but maybe not the same passion for life beyond the sheets.
You need to take control. This is your life and you need to take control. Take a break. You need it. It is a break to clear your head. What you need to do is make a list of what is important to fulfill your needs in a partner. What are deal breakers? Only you know.
Well wishes.......
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A
female
reader, NOTREADYYET +, writes (12 June 2013):
I am not really someone who should be giving advice but I do know that a true, true, long term relationship cannot reach its full potential with all the turmoil and back and forth things going on. Move on man...find a woman that deserves you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): let me start be saying, I feel for you and you really seem to be such a good, nice and loving guy who deserve better than being bossed around.I agree with aunt "honey pie" and with "anonymous female reader". please don't get me wrong but you need to talk to your girlfriend because to be quite honest it sounds like she is playing games with you, like a teenager girl. A relationship is a share responsibility and requires communication plus give and take. It doesn't work when one person if demanding and controlling while the other has to cope all the time and be patient. She can't keep changing plans on you like this. She knew you will agree and you give her space as she wants, you say as if she felt it deep down. I am not against giving her space but do you know for how long she needs her space? when will the drama she is dealing with end? Talk to her, ask her for how long she wants to see you for only 4 - 5 times a month !! and let her know how you feel about her actions. Is she still wearing the ring? Good luck and all the best, let us know how things go, hopefully well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): Its ok to ask for things and expect to get any answer and be ok with it. BUT IF its done in calm and no drama manner. Your girl-friend doesnt act consistent, that's what worries me.
She is Having some Batles with herself, changing her mind frequently. One thing I know if a woman wants to be with a man she would want to spend her time with him. If she wants to try and not see him , then fine, do your own things and desided if you want to come back, but don't go from hot to cold to warm all the time. It's exhausting, and frankly I don't know if I would put myself through so much drama at all times.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 June 2013):
 From what you describe it seems to me that she has all the control in the relationship and you none, not because you don't want any but because she "rules" the relationship pace (at least) with fear, and you are trying to show her JUST how willing you are to compromise in order to keep her.
Which makes the relationship seem uneven.
I think it's great that you are willing to give her what she wants, but I think YOU need to let her know WHAT you want as well. Not that everything should be tit for tat, but there should be some balance.
A relationship is not about one person getting HER needs met 100% of the time and the other just obliging to it. It ought to be 50/50.
I would sit her down and talk to her about the future. You obviously see the two of you long term, but does she? And what kind of drama is it that she is dealing with that she can barely spend time with you? Aren't you a big part of her life? Or at least, shouldn't you be?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): Hmm, this is tricky but I will give my honest opinion .. If I were in your shoes I would be more than a little unimpressed by her Antics to be quite honest.. I mean she dumps you... You two have nookie...get back together .. She manipulates to get what she want to wear the ring on her left finger, aShe chooses that . She again asks you .. You agree she goes on holidays and then it oo your Asking to much, this is to fast.. Oo come on either she got memory issues or she playing with your emotions ..People who get burned do get hurt however they do not go around leading others by a nose ring as she is doing you.. As they realise what it's like to be hurt and they don't want to do that. They also do not use their past baggage as an excuse for their own terrible misbehaviour .If I were you.. Id give her space but I would also not be keeping all my eggs in one basket .. Not saying go cheat on her, but I would get out and about and show her if she doesn't smarten up she will lose out . As simple as that. Don't always be at her beck and call let her wonder what your up tooHonestly you sound to nice to be played about ..
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