A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My brain says its wrong but my heart says its right:I'm 19 and my girlfriend is 43. I have only had one girlfriend before her and this relationship is way better. We have been going out 15 months.The last month she was offered a new job in another city and asked if I wanted to move with her. I thought about it for a while and decided that if I was going to move with her I might as well marry her. (Cause it doesn't work out when people move in without commitment) And then yesterday, she told me she was pregnant.I asked her if she wanted to keep the baby and she said yes definately. And then she said that since I had been gentleman about it and since I didn't have much money anyway, she wouldn't make me pay child support or anything. BUT, she'd really perfer to marry me cause then we could start a real family. And this is pretty much the last chance for her cause if I break up with her she'll have a real hard time finding another man before her biological clock runs out.So I was thinking about this and I asked myself if I should marry her and a voice inside me said "yes". I can honestly say that I love this woman and that I would love to be a father. But the my rational voice said "don't be silly" and started pointing out all the things that are wrong with this relationship. And I started worrying about if I wouldn't be able to handle her changing and maybe I'm too young for this I don't know. But I have to choose pretty soon and once I make the decision I can't change it. So which voice should I listen to?
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female
reader, JanetS +, writes (13 March 2009):
If you love each other, age is only a chronological measure of how long you have been on the earth. She may be an emotional 28 or 33 yr old and you maybe an emtional 30 yr. old.Look at behavior for maturity, NOT AGE! Look at Demi Moore, she has a really young husband, Ashton.Pray, go with your heart. I made a mistake 25 yrs ago, and went with my head, not my heart, and have bee unhappily unmarried for 25 yrs.Life is short, if you find love, hold on to it!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): There's no need to make the decision right away. Why don't you keep dating her for a little bit, emotionally support her during her pregnancy, and in a couple of years you can then decide whether you want to marry her. Just because she's pregnant right now you dont' need to rush into anything that you may still have doubts about
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2008): Like you said, you are to young for this.
I dont dispute the fact you love her and want the baby etc, but she is 43, you are 19. I think you should stay in contact and find someone youre own age.
xxx
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A
female
reader, helpjayne  +, writes (13 November 2008):
 Nope, your not a baby you got yourself into this and you can be a good dad, I think it's unfair to say this woman is terrible, your both adults and you both have responsibilities.maybe it's better to listen to your heart instead of your head for once. love don't always make sense.
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female
reader, Teacake +, writes (13 November 2008):
 What would you think if your mother was in love with one of your friends, got pregnant and your friend wanted to marry her and she thought that was a really good idea?
Would you be comfortable having an 18 year old raising your brother or sister and that your mother didn't see anything wrong with that?
Helping with the baby is one thing, getting married to a woman who is sexually involved with a guy who can be her son, is wrong. You will see this when you are 30 or so.
The marriage has no chance of lasting for more than a few months if that. Just don't marry her, but do what you can to help with the baby.
What do your parents think about this? If you are afraid to tell them, then you know this is wrong. This woman is very selfish.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (13 November 2008):
 The truth of the matter is that you are going to be a father whether or not you marry her or move cities, that is simply a fact. You have given us a lot of information about your feelings, but not much else. Where do you live? What do your parents think? What are your career plans? Are you in school? Do you work? What are those "problems" in your relationship?
If you were going out before you were 18, your parents might have a few things to say to this older woman, BTW. Other than the baby, what do you and she have in common? The most important thing in making a relationship work is that you are both heading into the future in the same direction, that you have the same hopes and dreams for the future. Do you both have this kind of meeting of the minds? Emilysanswers was quite right in saying that strangers on the net would not have the answer for you, but I hope that you are asking YOURSELF a lot of questions! Only you can decide what is right after a LOT of tough questions that you need to ask yourself, Hun. Good Luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not a baby, I'm 19. 14 year olds used to to parent, and I can do it too.
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female
reader, helpjayne +, writes (13 November 2008):
you have to ask yourself would you do anything for this woman is she your world do you love her more than life itself?
i think your a typical young guy and you don't like the words forever but it's a little too late to be thinking about backing out now either way your a daddy and your guna have to face it, either way your guna be commited so why don't you get engaged?
i mean it's a not forever thing after the baby is born and you and her are still happy then you can get married.
you don't have to be married to be a good dad but if you love this woman truly love her then theres no reason not to marry her. but i think if you got engaged the rational voice would shut up and so would the marriage voice
xx
hope that helped
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female
reader, Agony-Aunt93 +, writes (13 November 2008):
Right, you have one choice. Ask her to marry you. There are two ways it could go. 1. She thinks you are desperate and says no, that is the end of your relationship.
2. She really likes you and says yes!
If it is number one then tell her this...
"I only wanted to marry you so we could be a real family when the baby arrives..."
If it is still no does she really love you?
Good Luck...
Agony-Aunt93
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A
female
reader, Teacake +, writes (13 November 2008):
What she has done is very wrong to you and to the baby. She is the one in control and will have 2 children to look after. Do you have a job that can support the child?
THe baby needs an adult male to raise him/her. I'm sure you are a very loving and sensitive young man, but this woman is trouble! I can assure you that once the baby is born she is going to make your life hell. She will expect a lot from you and since you are not an adult yet, her expectations will be unreasonable.
Its your life and it is up to you, but this situation will not end up happily ever after. This woman has no business being with a young boy in the first place and to allow herself to have a baby is not at all cool. She obviously has problems and she will only make your life hell.
What do your parents think about all of this? If you haven't told them that means you know something is very wrong. She is old enough to be your mother. I hope you can find someone your own age one day.
Babies need more than what an 18 year old can provide no matter how good a young man you are. Your heart is in the right place but this woman is taking advantage of you and I feel sorry for the baby.
Tell your family what is going on. They are going to be grandparents either which way!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): You got to be their for the child, you got no choice for that unless you want to be a dead beat dad. If you want to be with a woman twice your age? if you really love her, then why not?
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A
male
reader, HotANDcold +, writes (13 November 2008):
 This is a serious issue, it is not a decision you could take base on what you love and what you like, it is a decision you need to take base on your standards. You mentioned she said you treated her as a real gentleman and also something really important I would say is that there is love between you and her. However you still very young I am assuming you still haven’t Finish College which is a whole process in which you honestly get to know a lot of people. This woman is your second girlfriend so you basically don’t have a lot of experience which I assume she does have base on her age.
You said you love her, but have you ever questioned yourself about it, how do you know if is lust or love? Well you probably do or don’t that’s a personal feeling. Once again she is already aging, she could be your mother your 19 and she’s 43 years old. In 20 years you would be 39 years old by that time she would already be 63 years old. Matter or fact you can’t change reality I am not judging your relationship with her I’m just pointing out what you already know.
You don’t have many options but you still have your conscious which is responsible for telling you what is right and what is wrong, don’t mind other people’s opinion one thing is taking their advices in consideration and another thing is letting those advices manipulate your thoughts as if you were a puppet. Therefore analyze your options and go for what you think is the right thing to do, I’m sure she would understand and respect whatever decision you make if she loves you as you said.
Good Luck Dude!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (13 November 2008):
You can't expect a stranger on the internet to make this decision for you.
It's something you have to do for yourself. I'm not quite sure why you can't just move with her and live with her though.... marriage is a huge commitment and living together can be a great way to find out if it would work before you sign your life away.
Good Luck!! xx
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